Dear Tessa,

I work with people on this issue a lot.  Basically, you’re not loving and appreciating enough about yourself.  You’ve given all of your power over to your boyfriend and have neglected your own self-worth – your own value.  It is possible you are dealing with co-dependency issues.  Research Co-Dependency on YouTube and you’ll know pretty quick if you are.

Regardless of whether or not your ex-boyfriend is a narcissist, which I am not assuming nor should you without greater knowledge of what that entails, you’re obsessing indicates a behavioral pattern within yourself that is the issue.  You see if you loved yourself properly, and valued who you are and your sense of self-worth then if he moved on you would realize that’s OK after a reasonable grief period.  You would realize you are enough regardless of his choices and have an attitude that you will be able to find someone else when you choose to.  With all of your focus on what’s done and gone, you’ve lost attention to the present moment.  To paraphrase Eckhart Tolle, your primary purpose in life is to recognize your own presence of what you’re doing in the immediate moment at all times.

If you take time to focus upon what you want for yourself in life rather than what you desire from someone else as a means of fulfilling yourself, then you will begin to find value in yourself – worthiness in you.  In a world that’s riddled with distractions designed to take our focus and attention away from ourselves, there’s nothing more important than taking time to realize who you are, what you want, what you stand for, and what you’re going to do about all of that; and without expecting someone else to do any of that work for you.

It’s time to do the inner work, Dear.  No one else can fill the void in your heart, but you.  If you try to expect someone else to fill it you are likely to find yourself in the same mess repeatedly.

Big hugs, and blessings to you!