fbpx
Menu

Icy

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #109731
    Icy
    Participant

    Maria, thank you for your encouraging story. I too wonder if my meds aren’t holding me back. As I’ve said, anytime I’ve really tried to get off them, even weaning away properly, the fall out can get pretty bad, so, of course, my husband thinks that getting of them is a bad idea. He likens it to a bipolar person feeling great and thinking they do not need medicine anymore, yet, they feel so great BECAUSE of the medicine. I understand that and sometime wonder if that is what the drug companies want since you get scared to go off it so then you always stay dependent. I try not to think of conspiracy theories though, lol.

    I mean, I don’t really depressed like I used to. I do feel very out of wack at times with my emotions as I’ve said…as in..one hour I can be all lovey and the next it can go to yuck, I dont like you much. It’s such an odd feeling and it’s draining.

    I agree with the exercise. I have such a hard time waking up early as it is but I know that it is the only time I can get in some exercise, so I need to really push myself there. I think starting a good, solid habit of exercise would be better to do first and then try possibly weaning off of medication. Starting a new healthy habit plus weaning off meds would not be a good combo. I am starting to eat better and taking vitamins and do notice myself eating less, so that is a plus!

    As far as the job goes, my husband would love to be able to make his second job his only job, however, it is just not enough money to live on alone. He is hoping that it could turn into that and that is one of the reasons why he is really giving it his all, even thought it is really hurting our time together.

    #109507
    Icy
    Participant

    You give me hope Anita. My doctor told me that I’ll probably be on the meds forever. At first I was ok with it, I felt like..ok..if I need them then..ok I guess. Now I don’t feel so enthusiastic. I know I was depressed in the past but now it isn’t so much about feeling hopeless and is more so, the raging different emotions. I haven’t been officially diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder but after taking many online tests and just reading the description..it is me, 100%. I’m now thinking that I don’t need the meds that I’m on so much as I need to learn to control my vicious mood swings and stop the black/white, end all be all thinking. I don’t know how to do that currently. I have a bad fight or flight reaction also and as soon as things start to go south, I feel the urge to jump ship and run away from it/hide from it. I was off the meds for about a year or so a long time ago and boy did I relapse hard after that and since then I’ve been too afraid to try and wean off of them again. I can be a true terror of an emotional nightmare with my meds at times…god..what would it be like with out them?!

    I hope that one day I can get off the meds. I don’t like being dependent on them but with my experience of being off them, sometimes I wonder if it may be better as I said.

    #109473
    Icy
    Participant

    Hi anita. I hope you are doing well. 🙂 Thanks for the birthday wishes! I’m sure I sound like a wreck with my past posts lol. Sometimes I feel like one too. xD Addressing the larger picture is good. I know there is a lot that I cannot see since I’m so close to it and since I have emotional and past depression/anxiety/trust issues..I can miss a lot even though the answers and reasons may be right in front of my face.

    Yes, I’m still on the same medicine, with the 5-htp. It seems like it is keeping me stable most of the time. My emotions are out of wack though at times. I get frustrated with myself since one hour I’m all..oh I love you so much and the it can be..ya not sure if this is going to work with us. It’s always a battle to get the right medicine and make sure it continues working. 🙂

    And yes, we each have our our acct and a joint. We each get a little bit each month to use as we would like to. The money he is getting from his second job however, he has going into his own account.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Icy.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Icy.
    #109074
    Icy
    Participant

    Hi weepingdragon. I’m sorry you are going through an awful time in your life and seem to have been for a while now.

    First off, I apologize, I have not read the entire thread as I am at work atm, but I just had to reply so I may say something or ask something you have already covered. 🙂

    Regarding you feeling like you are inferior to others and feeling like you are unlovable, even though some human monsters out there have love, I think that feeling in itself is holding you back.

    You are not unlovable, but sometimes when we think so strongly about something, about ourselves, it can seem like it becomes the only truth. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. You feel so unworthy and so much hate for yourself that in your interactions with others, this is what you are projecting, whether you realize it or not. People can tell a lot about you at times just by how you phrase things or you body language. Loving yourself and having some self confidence won’t solve everything, but it can help some things.

    I have a friend similar to you, but she actually tells people how unlovable she is and is often complaining of her awful lot in life (thought she has been very blessed). Honestly, people don’t want to hear that. If they hear you yourself saying those things, then they will just believe it too and not give you a chance. You are worth it, but no one can force you to believe it…only you can make yourself realize it. From what I have read though, you are not actively telling everyone and anyone your plight, so that is a good start.

    Also, where are you looking for potential friends or girlfriends? Do you have hobbies? What really lights you up and makes you lose track of time? When you find what you like to do, see if you can find a group, forum, class, or even a store where the hobbies you enjoy are at and where it’s talked about. I know it’s hard to talk to people, I’m a big introvert, so doing this online may be a good first step. Talk (type) to these people that like the same things as you do. You never know who you may find. Sometimes you find friends and girlfriends/boyfriends when you really aren’t looking at all. I myself found several good online friends just by liking some posts on fanficion sites and posting reviews.

    At least if you go where there are other people that like the same thing(s), that first hurdle of awkwardness of not knowing what to talk about is gone. You already have that ice breaker and if you like/are passionate about the same things, you already have that “hook” to snag other people to talk to. 🙂

    You are worth it, you just have to realize it and yes, it’s easier to say than do sometimes. But you are alive right now and you do have the ability to meet/talk to people. We all have limited time on this earth, use it while you can and don’t have expectations about interactions, just go with an open mind. If they want to chat, great, but if that don’t that’s ok too, there are a ton of people and friends out there for you…you just haven’t met them yet.

    Also, you seem to think that these couples and people you see all smiles in relationship and even those bad people that have people that love them, you assume they are happy. Just remember, a smile can hide a lot and you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. No one is perfect and living a blissful, no troubles, no fears, no problems life, though it may look like it from the outside.

    You say you’d like at least to have someone mistreat you so at least you have someone interested in you. Trust me, you do not want that…ever. You think how you feel is bad now? Think of how bad you’ll feel if you have an abuser telling you the same things you feel about yourself over and over, it would be double the agony and hate you feel for yourself now. I have depression, anxiety, OCD, and borderline personality disorder and yes it’s hard as heck to just be sometimes, but having someone hurt you just to feel loved is not the right way to go. You won’t feel loved and you won’t feel “at least I have this” when they are hitting you or calling you names. You are worth more than that, don’t make yourself a victim of someone else’s sickness.

    Hugs and well wishes.

    #100588
    Icy
    Participant

    No problem Vany. I just want to give ya a big hug! It’s rough. I’ve got a certain coworker myself that seems to get away with doing very little and was even demoted due to her performance. Yet, in this new position, which is equal to mine, she continues to do very little and when the supervisors get tired of it they take that duty away from her and give it to me. It doesn’t matter if I lay the facts out about my job and her doing less than half of hers. It is frustrating so much when you feel you aren’t heard.

    I so agree again with the assertiveness but sometimes, as I said before, it doesn’t help at all when the coworkers and supervisors just don’t listen and don’t respect you enough to consider your issues with “getting dumped on.”

    #100584
    Icy
    Participant

    I’ve tried to post a few times and for some reason my post isn’t getting through. So I’ll try this again. I know how you feel Vany. I deal with this kind of thing on a daily basis. I don’t believe because you are receptionist it means that you should be taken advantage of and thrown work that is not yours and treated unfairly. I have a blog that talks about this exact issues because it affects so many people that work in the receptionist/admin jobs. Fee free to stop by if you’d like at aforassistant.com

    I’m sorry you are going through this. It is a horrible feeling when you feel like your supervisors aren’t listening and/or not treating you right. I’ve dealt with this a lot, especially recently. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter how many times you try and stand up for yourself or take it to a higher supervisor…it just falls on deaf ears. At that time I think it is time to find another place of employment. I know that is easier said than done though.

    #93937
    Icy
    Participant

    I just wanted to pop on here and say “thank you” to the original poster, Dina, and to all the others that have replied.

    This post has helped me a lot. I have the same issues and seem to be suck in a state of negativity and unhappiness even though I am very fortunate. Like you Dina, I think mine stems from my childhood as well. I have a major issue with wanting to just run away from issues and give up because it seems like it would ‘solve all my problems’ but in reality I know it will not.

    My parents are married still but growing up they argued (and still do) very much. I always saw my dad yelling and ignoring and manipulating my mom and then my mom threatening to leave him. I grew up knowing that it was not normal but still in the back of my mind I keep thinking my husband will eventually act the same, he hasn’t in 10 years, but I think he will and it keeps me from fully trusting him. On top of that I have depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and jealousy issues. It makes for a bad combination but though the years my husband never once said he wanted to leave me and he was there for me through all of the horrible accusations and trust/jealousy issues. And even then, I still think that I should leave him almost every time we had a big argument. I do not know how to overcome this “flight response” issue. I know deep down I love him but my brain keeps telling me that I shouldn’t trust him and I should keep pushing and pushing until he breaks so then my brain can say “Ha, I told you so!” i don’t trust myself either which is bad since I think something along the lines of “I can’t trust what I feel due to my depression and negativity, but what if he is really been manipulating me this whole time, I can’t trust him either so what to do?” He asks me, “Have I ever lied to you?” No. “Have I ever threatened or hinted at leaving like you do to me?” No. “After all this time you still don’t trust me and believe that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you?” No. And this all breaks my heart so badly as I type this. 🙁

    I’m very glad you talked with a therapist and you posting what they told you really helped me as well. Thank you so much for posting this again. You aren’t alone in this. I just wish I had some helpful advice to give but I haven’t figured it out myself yet. 🙂

    #88865
    Icy
    Participant

    As far as tattoo hurting, I found that none of mine hurt, but I only have three…one on each shoulder blade and one on the inner ankle. However, I would suggest thinking long and hard about getting any type of matching tattoo or a tattoo that reminds you of your girlfriend. You never know what may happen in the future and tattoos obviously are more or less permanent. It could cause you a lot of grief in the future if something were to happen with your relationship and you have to look at that tattoo all the time. I was pretty young and had a small matching scar done with my then fiance and boy do I regret it now. I don’t think of it a lot but when i see the scar it just makes me think of how silly and young I was and how mean and cruel he turned out to be.

    Personally, I always require one year minimum to think about getting any tattoos. And as a rule, I will not get any real person’s name or a tattoo that reminds me of a person. It may be a negative thought but I feel that real people can sometimes turn out to be not so good or end up stabbing you in the back so it’s best if I don’t put a permanent reminder on my body just in case.

    Good luck with whatever you decide though. 🙂

    #85613
    Icy
    Participant

    My best job I’ve ever had was my student job in college. It was working at the college in one of the offices for one of the faculty departments. I loved it because the professors and other admin staff were all nice and helpful and really cared about students. I loved working there not because the pay was great, it was minimum wage, but it was the people I remember. Just a great bunch of people to work with and if you had any issues with anything they encouraged you to bring it up and then they tried to help. I worked at that job for about 2 years then I graduated and had to give it up. I do miss it and the people even though it was years and years ago. It started me on my path to what I loved doing at the time, working as an admin assistant. Though now I loath working where to do now, I still am glad for the experience of the past even though it’s time to move onto a different field now.

    #82157
    Icy
    Participant

    I was just thinking about standing up for myself today. I too am having a hard time at work and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t like confrontation and it makes it worse that the person I have an issue with is my boss. I’ve been working with this person for years but it just seems they keep getting worse. I’m in a two person office and my boss will listen to very loud music during the day, take up the entire kitchen area and leave messes everywhere, and constantly leaves my office door open when I want it closed…he has no respect for me or my office area and is so inconsiderate it is unbelievable.

    You are not alone and I wish I had some advice for you. I would like to see what others say as well. I’ve mentioned a few things to my boss a while ago and it will be ok for a couple days and then it will just go back to how it was. I’ve applied for other jobs and I get no where even though I have lots of experience and a degree. I’m afraid I’m just going to blow up because I’m so aggravated one day but I don’t want to go off in a yelling rage, I want to be professional even though my boss is not. Plus when I’ve brought up things before this boss just acts like its no big deal and tries to laugh it off. It’s very discouraging.

    We have to find a way that we can just relax and realize nothing bad will happen to us if we respectfully stand up for ourselves…the world won’t end…you won’t get punched in the face…it will be ok. It is easy to say but hard to do unfortunately.

    Maybe Anita can weight in on this…she has some fantastic advice.

    #80768
    Icy
    Participant

    I’ve had anxiety, depression and ocd for about 12 years now and have been on different meds for all the issues. I hope you did not just quit cold turkey as that can be dangerous for your mental health. I’ve tried this a few times and it was a true nightmare. I used to be on zoloft and then got better and weaned off of it with a doctor’s help after a few yrs of taking it. Then the depression came back pretty bad so I was put on lexapro, which didn’t set well with me so I was put on a very high dose of wellbutrin and that made me have severe paranoid thoughts. Finally I got a different doctor and was put on a lesser dose of wellbutrin xl and celexa and that was my magic happiness combo lol. I’m not on just wellbutrin and am taking the supplement 5-HTP, which is similar to celexa, since I didn’t like the side effects after a while with celexa.

    You aren’t alone is what I’m trying to say. It’s a very hard road without the meds. Sometimes I wish I would not have been put on them, yet I don’t know what would have become of me if I wasn’t. The meds they have now are so strong and really mess with you. When I was weening off celexa I thought I was going to go insane. I hating everyone and everything but I was desperate to get away from taking that pill. I scoured online sources looking for any encouragement for others that went through the same thing. Finally I found some random board with someone’s quote to another person suffering post. The quote that I remember said something like “when you feel like your at the end of your rope and you just cant go on like this anymore without your meds…that is when you know you’ve made it and it will start to get better.” At first I didn’t believe that but then I started noticing little by little things got better and I felt better. What that person said ended up being true for me, you feel like you hit rock bottom before it starts to get better. It apparently takes a lot for your body to stop being dependent on those meds. Just hang on, you can do it even though it may not feel like it right now.

    Sometimes though, if you feel like hurting yourself or others and it’s Really getting bad, you may have to get back on the meds again, and there is No Shame in that at all. I was finally told by my doctor that I may need to be on my meds forever. I do not like that prospect, yet I don’t like being an emotional, hateful person either. 🙂 I wish you luck and hugs.

    #79884
    Icy
    Participant

    I think things are starting to look a little better. I got an offer for a phone interview for a company that seems promising. The very few reviews on working there seems very positive, but it is a relatively new company. I’m very fearful yet excited about the upcoming phone interview. It’s so confusing. I know in my heart that things aren’t going to change/get better at my current position. Every time I think ‘it’s not too bad here’ something always happens that makes me think about leaving again. I’m very fearful because, what if they offer me a job eventually? I’m terrified because I’ve been at my current position for so long and I know it’s a steady job and if I take a new job at a newer company, what if something happens and I don’t have a job in the future? Sometimes I just wish I could predict the future so I know for sure what is the “right choice.” The last few days I’ve been asking the universe for help; for a sign of some sort on what I am supposed to do. And then today I get that offer for a phone interview with a seemly very positive company that values their employees and customers. I realize that getting a phone interview doesn’t mean anything but it still scares me…change is so scary. It is almost like I’m in this little ball of my job and though I know they don’t have my back and I know they won’t change, I feel like…well..at least I know how they are and that it is still a very stable job. At a new company I just don’t know how it would be…I mean..what if I wouldn’t like the work or what if the managers/coworkers at the new place are worse.

    #79739
    Icy
    Participant

    I never fully thought like this before. Thanks again anita.

    #79651
    Icy
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. I spoke with two of the mangers a while ago and explained to them all the extra work I was getting and that I needed a raise and gave them examples of what I was doing above and beyond. It took a few months for them to even get back with me about it but they eventually agreed to a 30 cent raise. Ya, that’s it. I was basically told that other people have been given more work and they don’t get paid anymore and that I was being given this raise because the high ups liked my manager and it wasn’t because I was doing more work. It was like a slap in the face. From the vibe I’m getting it is either deal with it because they will not disincline those that need it and if I don’t like it I can leave. They have no appreciation for employees that work their hardest. I think they feel that “they can always get someone else.” To me it’s a very bad attitude for a company to have yet I assume it happens a lot and I know I’m not the only person that feels this way. A person in a different department eventually left because they were just tired of the games and unappreciation. I feel that if I straight up tell them “no” then I will get fired. I know some people reading this may think that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I too have a mortgage and bills to pay and it’s discouraging that I’ve been applying to other places and have got nothing in the past year or so.

    Thank you for reading and advice.

    #52215
    Icy
    Participant

    Thank you Steve and Al for your replies.

    I have decided to stop Celexa since my husband and have been trying to get pregnant for a little over a year now and Celexa has completely destroyed my libido…which doesn’t help when you are trying to have a child lol. 🙂

    I still take Wellbutrin but my doctor suggested I first try and wean off Celexa since it is the one that can cause birth defects later in pregnancies plus the libido issue was/is a very big deal to me. It’s really hard to have no desire at all for a couple years. I used to take a high dose of Wellbutrin and it was causing severe paranoia. When I went to a different doctor, she lowered my dose and added the Celexa to help balance me out so that I wouldn’t have the paranoia and I also had obsessive thoughts so the Celexa was given for that as well.

    I agree with you Steve, sometime it does make you wonder if it is all in the drug companies’ plans because I feel the same way, the getting off the meds sure seems worse than what it was trying to treat. I would recommend Celexa since it helped me greatly and I felt like me again! I just feel that since situations in my life have gotten much better than when I was prescribed it I wanted to see if I can get off it so I can put some “fun” back in my relationship.

    Al, thanks for your post also. I know I cannot control things but in reading your post I realize that I am not accepting that fact and I am trying to control everything. I notice that I have a bad tendency to try and control almost all aspects of my life and it’s hard for me to realize that it really isn’t in my hands to begin with. This is something I do need to work on. I liked how you put that thinking that we control life is an illusion, I never thought of it that way before.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)