Hi –

I think you are right! The problem is, I chose the path of security long ago. I should have followed my heart, but I went for the money and security. Of course I was a single mom making $8 an hour. I desperately needed money. I used to work for a law firm, and I really enjoyed it. One boss said, “I think you really like this job,” and another “I think you write better than I do.” I took the LSAT. I could have gotten in. But I was afraid to take out student loans, and I didn’t see how I could go to law school full time with two children under 5. So I became a teacher. I know that doesn’t pay much, but it was something, and I could be home when my kids were home. Anyway – it was always a deep regret that I didn’t go to law school. And now it really is too late, and I’m not sure I’m up to that intensity now anyway. But I really am glad I’m not teaching any more. I hated it! I was a good teacher in many ways, but it just brought me no joy. I did want to give counseling a try. But, I have to admit, it didn’t seem to come naturally to me. I am stimulated by logical, interesting conversation, and a lot of clients aren’t able to do that. Plus, I’m not there to be stimulated; I  was there to help. I thought I would enjoy helping people with their problems, but to be honest, it got old quickly. (By the way, the reason I failed my internship is that in a teenage girls’ small group session I said that if their parents fell short in giving them what they needed, they deserved better. That’s it ( I think, they didn’t actually tell me why). I’m not sure if that is a career-ending sentence or not. I told someone else that,  and they said it changed their life. Lots of people feel guilty for the way their parents treated them. I guess it just wasn’t the appropriate time and place to suggest that. Still, that was it – no closure, no comments. Just thought I’d through that in there. ) So – yea – I am now in a place where I could do something that utilizes my best talents. BUT . . . I am tired. I am older. I want to say that doesn’t matter, but it kind of does. I did paint more earnestly today. I have some talent. I’ve started writing a couple of books. I could continue. I am a little afraid of failure. And I am super lonely, so sometimes the motivation to do anything is not there. It’s tough to go day after day with minimal social interaction. But every time I’ve tried to go out and meet people, it hasn’t worked. I do feel better not having to pretend to enjoy teaching. That was soul crushing. I think the art is good. And the writing. I’ll really try and put some time into those.  Still, I don’t think I should feel like I need these things to justify my value as a human being.

Another complicating factor is my lost faith. In the Mormon church, the purpose of life is very clear: to become as good of a person as you can so you are prepared to live with God after this life. So that was my driving purpose for the first 45 years of my life. That purpose kind of makes all earthly pursuits not so important. What was important was that I was kind, honest, faithful, etc. When I learned that my religion was based on one man’s lie, I lost that purpose. So I started judging myself more on the world’s standards. I go back and forth, though. Maybe my purpose should still be to become the best person I can. That seems more attainable! I think of my little dogs, and they are such great creatures because they are so loyal and loving. Would I be my best self if I just focused on being loyal and loving? And then, since I am so cut off from other people, can I really live a great life in solitude?

Maybe you could share your vision of the purpose of life.

Thanks for listening.

Oh man! I answered those questions, but I guess it didn’t save my response. Tomorrow . . .

Perfect life: You are at peace with who you are as a person; you have at least one deep, meaningful relationship where you can be your full, true self; you have a job in which you are able to use your best talents and which you find interesting and rewarding both intrinsically and extrinsically (pay); you have a healthy body; you are able to experience the beauty of the world on a regular basis.

Crappy life: You don’t like yourself; you have no real, fulfilling relationships; you are stuck in a job which you hate and which you feel doesn’t utilize your richest talents; you don’t have enough money to support a half-way decent life style; your body doesn’t work correctly (this alone does not make a crappy life); you life in a place that is not beautiful.

I am: a personality that was created as a result of chance and my genetic background. I am unique and beautiful, as is every creature born into the world. I will find the most happiness by discovering my own unique gifts, developing them, and finding a way to share them with the world. Gifts are provided at birth to everyone. But nature can make the living of this life difficult. There are threats and pitfalls all around us. So we have to develop strength and wisdom in order to protect ourselves and our gifts and survive in this brutal although beautiful world.