Hi struggling,

I’m glad to hear you talked to him about it. I’m also glad to hear that you’re seeking your own counseling. I encourage you to be as supportive of him as possible while setting your own boundaries. When he is sarcastic and it hurts your feelings, let him know, in the moment if possible, that you feel hurt by his words. Communication is the only possible solution for your problems, so continue to communicate with him and encourage him to communicate back. Continue to suggest counseling, I suspect it could help you guys a lot.

Good luck!

Hi Miney10,

I’m sorry 🙁 Breakups are never easy. It sounds like he wasn’t feeling it and ended it, and it doesn’t make it any less painful when it just didn’t work out between two people.

But it sounds to me like you are coping. It’s going to hurt, and it might hurt for a while. And that’s okay. It’s normal to grieve. It’s normal to be sad. It’s normal to think to the future and hope that he comes crawling back! But you can’t live in those spaces. You can be sad, grieve, day dream…but you have to go on living your life. Call over your friends for pizza and Ben&Jerry’s and a good chick flick or two. Be sad with them. Or go out dancing. And be sad there too if you have to. Take a hike in a beautiful place. Cry at the sunset. Whatever it is that will help you feel better, do it!

Don’t shame yourself for how you’re grieving and what you’re feeling. Just feel, and breathe, and live, and one day you’ll start to move on. It gets easier with time. And if time is passing and it’s not getting easier, talking to a professional will always help.

From someone who has had their heart broken–I know what you’re going through. You’re going to be okay, I promise.

Hi Lucy,

I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this rough patch with your boyfriend–I can’t imagine how bad it felt to read those messages on his phone.

I think there are two “transgressions” here: 1. You snooped in your boyfriend’s phone and broke his trust; and 2. Your boyfriend has sent questionable messages to a girl with whom he has a relationship that you’re not entirely comfortable with–and he knows it, and he broke your trust in this way.

You have both made these mistakes, and that is not going away; it’s not going to change. You two have to sit down together to figure out how to work through this. This might sound cheesy, but I suggest agreeing on a time together to have the conversation and agreeing upon an amount of time to talk about it. So, maybe you first talk about the snooping–its underlying causes (what were you feeling–truly–when you did it), his reaction to it (i.e. why did he get so mad–truly, why did he have his reaction?)–for 30 minutes, then you turn to his relationship with Heather and your feelings about it (i.e. you say, “I feel like you would leave me for her if she moved here. I feel like these text messages show that you have some feelings for her that you’re not admitting…” or whatever it is you feel) for 30 minutes. If this is too “formal,” then some sort of acknowledgement that you need to talk about both the snooping and the texts so that your needs aren’t just brushed aside…you’re not going to forget what you read.

I also think you need to have some honest moments with yourself and share that honesty with him.  You both deserve to be with people you love and who love you 100%, no questions asked, who you’re totally comfortable and confident with. Right now, there is this other person looming large in the relationship, and you two have to figure out why–the true why, the why that comes when you ask yourself “why” like five or six times, digging deeper each time. You cannot be ruled by the fear you might have of the answer that you find when you get to the heart of it.

I’m not sure of your situation, but if the two of you are serious about getting through this together, then this might be the perfect opportunity to strengthen your relationship with the help of a relationship counselor.

I hope this helped somewhat. You sound like you understand that communication is going to be key, so have courage in the face of what you find 🙂 Good luck!