Ninja,
I hope you don’t mind me sticking my nose into this old post, but I thought I’d add my two cents. (I only just discovered this forum after all)

I don’t think it should matter, and I don’t think numbers should be revealed unless you are such good friends that nothing would shake that. I think in your case you’re dealing with some insecurities because you’re afraid she’s comparing your performance to all those other guys. Trust me, she’s not thinking that way, other then you must be good at keeping her happy in that department. I don’t think you having no experience prior to marriage is a bad thing. My brother was the same way. I think the insecurity is/was yours.

Now I was raised pretty strict and didn’t give it up until I was over 21. I honestly thought I’d be able to hold out for marriage but that didn’t happen. Then the floodgates opened. Not proud, but I will tell you that once I was with the man I married I never once thought about straying. NOT ONCE. So it doesn’t matter how many partners if you’re committed to your marriage. It’s a non issue. Same thing when I was with my long term boyfriend after my divorce. Never considered anyone else.

Now since I’ve been single over the past year I won’t even go into how much fun I’ve had, but no one knows the number but me. I stay safe, I stay clean, I get checked, and I ask about that before the deed is done. If and when I decide to get serious again it will go back to being a non-issue.

That being said, I don’t think your wife’s number is horrible. Have you seen the move “What’s your number” (It’s a chick flick, so not shocked if you’ve never heard of it) but essentially a movie about this woman who read in a magazine that the number of men an average woman slept with was 20 before she got married. She was panicked because she was at #19 with no hubby in sight. I guess it all comes down to personal comfort level.

Considering the way people are today the world is vastly different now then it was 20 years ago when we were in our 20’s. I think I was more conservative then. In some ways I feel like Benjamin Buttons, growing younger as I grow older. Strange.

Dear Estella,

I’ve been there. Ultimately if you want a relationship with him you have to let him go. Sounds like the opposite, but trust me on this, if he is interested he will come around. If he’s not, then you’re better off without him continuing to lead you on. Sex bonds a woman but not so much for a man. However, they thrive on the pursuit. So give him something to pursue. YOU! The only way he can do that is for you to let him by disappearing. A little secret about men. If you text first then he knows your on the hook and he’ll look for someone else to pursue to fill that need of the thrill of the chase. Why do you think men still go hunting nowadays when there is plenty of food in the corner grocery store? They NEED to hunt. We’re women, we need to know they are going to stick around – but that is also a primal need – to make sure if you get pregnant he’ll be there. Ultimately humans are still cave people at our core. If you understand that, you know where your fear of him leaving is coming from.

Blessings & Love,
Jessi

Dear Megan,

Oh my dear, the pain you’re going through now is real and only time will help. In this case it might be best to leave him be and move on with your life, as difficult as I know this is. Take your time getting over him before trying again, but don’t wait too long. With that being said, I do have some advice for you, if you’re open.

What you’ve described as caring a man is going to see as smothering, especially early in a relationship. That turns a man off faster then pouring water on a fire. Men like to pursue. They like to be the one taking care of their woman. It gives him genuine pleasure and happiness to do this. It also keeps him interested in you when you have a life outside of him. So for your next relationship don’t be the one texting him all the time. Let him text you first. Make a game of it with yourself. See how long you can hold out before you text him and see if he texts you first. TRUST me, he will. Sometimes it can take a day or so, but if he’s interested he WILL. Your kindness to him is letting him chase you. It makes him feel like a man, and he will love you for it.

Don’t give up hope, just realize that men and women are different and with that understanding you can change your approach and find happiness. Above all though, find things that you enjoy doing by yourself that you don’t need a man for. Don’t wait for him. Love yourself and the right man will come into your life.

Blessings & Love,
Jessi

Dearest X,

First of all I want to say that I completely understand where you’re coming from and I too have made the same mistakes. I’m going to tell you something that might be hard to take, but hear me out. From everything you’ve described I can tell you exactly where it all went wrong. When you got jealous of the other girls instead of trusting him. You were insecure and started nagging him about them. Men hate that. So what if they were texting him, he was WITH you. Just ask him politely to pay attention to you, or even better start showing some skin, and he’ll drop the phone fast. It might have been his first relationship, but he was honest from the start and while you were too, what you taught him was that women are ultimately insecure. I’m going to tell you a secret about men and how to deal with them. You can choose to take my advice or not, but trust me, this works. There are just a few things you need to know first.

All men are selfish, and so are women. It’s human nature. It’s also the male nature to pursue. Now you need to ask yourself if you really want him back. Then you need to come to terms with the fact that it could really be over, even if it hasn’t’ been said yet. That isn’t easy to do, because you keep thinking about him and all the good times you had together. You NEED to do this and be OKAY before you can do what you need to do next. You need to disappear.

Here is the secret. You need to STOP TEXTING OR CALLING HIM!! Wait. Wait. Wait some more. If he truly has feelings for you, he WILL eventually text or call you. It may take a few days, it may take a couple of weeks but you MUST BE STRONG my dear. If he doesn’t, then it truly is over, but if he does, then you have a chance. Don’t let him know you are excited to hear from him. Tell him you’ve been busy and had hardly noticed you hadn’t heard from him. Make HIM jealous. He’ll start wondering what you’ve been up to. It will drive him crazy. If he asks to see you, say you’d love to but then be busy. Don’t blow him off, just have something else going on when he wants to come over. (Don’t tell him you’re just washing your hair and painting your nails – it’s not his business WHAT you’re doing, just that you’re busy) Make him sweat. He will imagine all sorts of things. So what, that’s not your problem. Remember all the reasons you got mad at him.

Don’t make him sweat it out too long though, give him options. Yes, you’re busy Friday night, but you could meet for coffee on Sunday (or something like that). Then be the sweet, loving, funny person he fell for and completely forget about talking about any of the things your argued about. Don’t bring up the past. Leave it. He’s not with those girls, he’s with you. But you’re a busy woman now that you’re not in school. So don’t stay longer then an hour. Have somewhere to be. TRUST ME! He will realize you’re not sitting on the shelf where he left you waiting for him to get back to you. And don’t be. You’re a young, beautiful, vibrant, intelligent woman who can have any man she wants. (Tell yourself this. Say it again. Again!) Because you believe it, so will he and he’ll want that woman back. He won’t want some other man getting the awesome woman that is you!

What will you get out of this? You’ll either get him back or you won’t, but ultimately you’ll feel better about YOU. And truly, that is the only way you will be happy.

Blessings & Love
Jessi

James,
I disagree that it’s over and I think your marriage is worth saving, for both of you. As I said before, today’s world gives up too easily and seems to forget that while being selfless is hard ultimately it can make you happier because you are seeing her needs met. That is how men are made up. It’s what makes them happiest. But I also think that, as one of the other posters said, the trust is broken. I think that may be where some of your sadness is coming from. You can’t completely trust that she is going to be there for you no matter what happens, so after a particularly good day you may fear it isn’t enough and it brings on the sadness/depression. I stand by what I said before about listening to motivators. It’s impossible to feel bad listening to them, but you must do it daily for at least 30 minutes for it to really start changing your thinking. From what you said about your wife being surprised about your efforts, she never really wanted to leave, like me she thought that you didn’t care.

The frank conversation you need to have with her is this: Honey, I love you and our girls and I don’t want a separation. I know that you love me too although you may not be “in love” with me right now. That’s okay. But you and our family are extremely important to me and I will do everything in my power to make you and our girls happy. I know I’m not perfect but I’m trying to be a better man. I really do appreciate you and how patient you’ve been with me over the past years. Even if you don’t fall “in love” with me again,know that I will always love you, even if that means letting you go.

Don’t be too quick to listen to those who say it’s all over. She hasn’t left yet, there is still hope. And the fact that you’re trying and want this to work means there is still hope. You’re never going to go back to the kind of relationship or marriage that you had before all of this, but a different one. You are different people now. You are not the same as when you first met or married. People and relationships change and evolve over time. It doesn’t mean you can’t reconnect. She’s still there after a year, and she had a great time on her birthday with YOU. Think about that. Appreciate that.

Ultimately being unselfish IS being selfish because it means your happiness too. That is what people seem to forget. Would you be truly happy or would she if you were no longer together? It doesn’t sound like it to me. Especially considering her response to your question about separation. She doesn’t really want to leave.

For yourself, you are a good man. I think that you may be feeling a sense of failure as a husband because of how your wife was feeling a year ago and it has contributed to your overall unhappiness. Don’t make me kick you in the pants! You’re still there, you’re still trying and she sees and appreciates that. You are NOT a failure. You DIDN’T give up. You are much STRONGER then you know.

I’m still pulling for you!
Jessi

Hi Samuel,

First things first, you’re still young and in the prime of your life. This is not the time to find a girl to settle down with, this is the time to discover who you are and enjoy making friends. Don’t freak because you’re not in a relationship right now.

That being said, there is a lot to be said for treating a girl you like with respect and showing her in ways that other men don’t, but you DO have to ask her out. That loser she’s dating now had the balls to do that. Probably because he didn’t give a shit if she said yes or not because he’s got 3 others lined up if she said no. You’re not like that, so you know you are the best choice she has, but she can’t choose you if you don’t ask!!!

Practice asking a girl out that you kind of like but aren’t dying to date. The more times you practice this when the right woman comes along you’ll be ready. How do you think champions win? Because they PRACTICE!!!!

You’re a sweetie, don’t ever lose that, but you gotta build an edge. You’re a man. Remember that and go get her Tiger!

Jessy