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howtoloveme

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #182205
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Dear Anita, Yes I am also referring to not getting enough support while being sick. I just couldn’t express myself very well and never got chance to vent out my frustration, anger, guilt etc. that came with testicular cancer. I still struggle to express these emotions as I struggle to cry. If I had expressed my emotions better and had told them what I feel, why I feel like that etc. than that could have been much better and I probably could have got more support. But I can’t go back and change anything of it now.

    I am not focusing on the past now as i need to really move on. This is what I did yesterday: I released all pent up anger that was building up in my body. This anger is towards myself and my parents. There is particular meditation from Louise Hay to release anger which I find very useful. I am going to continue using that one to keep releasing all anger towards myself, my whole situation etc. I am hoping that I will be able to cry a lot soon and release all my held up emotions.

    #182037
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Dear Anita, yes it’s very hard for me. I don’t think my parents understood how bad I was feeling emotionally. But this is due to barriers in our culture too as we can’t talk much about taboo subjects very openly. Hence I could never explain them that I am blaming myself for my testicular cancer due to masturbation. Letting it go and not feeling very guilty about this whole experience has been very difficult for me. Due to all this I am not surprised that my emotions are not in control. Also as a child my schooling was pretty difficult. So I do have lack of self esteem/confidence to begin with.

    Can I please request you to remove my name from initial replies.

    #181863
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Yes it seems that I will need medication and meditation both. I am thinking about Reiki as it is something that I believe it can help. Let me know if you come across anything too. Basically want to get rid of this excessive guilt and self punish type of feelings which is causing issues to me.

    #181859
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Dear Anita, yes thank you for replying and taking time to reply to me. I have this personality where I expect bit too much from myself, easily critisize myself, come to conclusion that it’s my mistake even when there is really no evidence to support it, expect some degree of perfection from myself, bit stubborn, hardly loved my own self and so on. As a result of these traits it makes me ideal candidate to suffer from mental issues if there is any setback as it becomes very difficult to let it go. Once I start feeling guilty there is just no way for me to feel better about myself as guilt only attracts more guilt and negative feelings. When I suffered from testicular cancer I just couldn’t let it go. It was very difficult for me to let it go and forget about it. To add to this I hardly received any support from my family.

    I am already on two medications right now to feel better but I am determined to make progress using other methods. I am already practicing Louise Hay meditation as I find it helpful. I just feel that I need to cry and also release all built up guilt. So I was wondering if anyone has tried Reiki or something else? I am happy to try anything.

    Edit: Also note as I am realizing more about myself I am trying to make changes. I am adding some level of compassion and self love and trying to not expect too much. But it’s going to take time.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by howtoloveme.
    #180187
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Dear Anita, I need to also mention that I have made lot of sacrifices and put up with lot of hard work to get ahead. But as you can see it has taken big toll on my mental health due to challenges i have faced including testicular cancer. I really had hard time coming to terms about it. As i kind of expect things to go perfectly and too much from myself its pretty easy for me to be harsh on myself. I tend to forget that I am a human being and need to be very kind to my ownself. Though I have achieved number of things in my life I feel I have not been in touch with things going within myself emotionally. Please understand that I am slowly trying to change things as its not going to happen quickly.

    #180165
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Dear Anita, starting to realize that I have not listened to my own self but everything else. I mean to say that I haven’t looked after myself very well on emotional level. I have prioritized other things and other people over my own self. But as I am realising things that needs to be changed I am gradually and kindly making changes. I am doing affirmations, practicing self love and trying to be kind to myself. Most importantly I am telling myself that I deserve a better healthy and happy life. This can be overwhelming but I am not in a rush to make sudden change as it’s a gradual and long process.

    Negative experience from the past has caused me to harp myself with constant self hate and and unforgiving thoughts due to extreme guilt. This has disrupted me on emotional level. But this will change as I am looking to change my life. I am realising that the most important thing in my life is my happiness.

    Please help me in loving myself. Please help me so I can learn more kindness towards my ownself.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by howtoloveme.
    #179259
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Dear Anita as I realise as I am trying to make changes in my thinking and beliefs. I know it will take time but it can be done. I am realising that not being gentle to my own self in difficult times has created more issues for me. But it’s not too late to change things and look at things from different perspective. I am engaging in meditation and I find things from Louise Hay very useful. Sometimes I can’t help myself but feel negative about myself. I am confident that I will be able to change these negative though patterns in coming months. thank you very much..

    #179143
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Thank you both again.

    Anita you wrote “Would you  like to elaborate on why your family was of no support to you when you were sick, at 25, going through such a difficult time?”

    Being from conservative culture these things are not discussed openly even with parents sometimes. It has been difficult for me to open up about these things with them. We were geographically very far too. Also all they understand is about depression and not really about how isolated, tormented, anxious and fearful I felt during difficult traumatic times. I guess they did whatever they could do best for me in their best ability. This trauma and negative event has left lasting impression on my mind and my mental health. Having said this I have already seen psychologist and also psychiatrist to overcome these issues. Currently I am on couple of medications under professional guidance. Even I have done some research around testicular cancer and it’s causes and been unable to find any concrete evidence to say that my way of masturbating has caused this. But somehow my brain had just decided to feel guilty, bad, depressed, anxious etc about myself as I can expect too much from myself at times. Perhaps it’s due to not having great self esteem and being harsh on myself etc. from beginning due to my difficult schooling. As I had mentioned before somewhere down there I believed that self love and being gentle with own-self is for soft people. I have never even smoked and still got cancer was also one of the mental thought pattern during those times. All in all it was very difficult time for me mentally than physically. I still can’t drink coffee as it gives me anxiety. But as I said I am “trying” to look after myself with some kindness and self love. I am just trying and I am not sure where it will lead. Also trying to develop a thought that someone is above me and helping me to get through this. But first step I believe is to be bit more gentle/kind and increase self esteem which I believe has always been low.

    I hope this all makes sense to you. thank you

    #179033
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and Defined Sight. As you can imagine this is first time in my life I am starting to look after myself mentally closely.

    Anita you wrote “can you elaborate on how you tell yourself that you caused  the  cancer you had (at what age?)”

    I have to say few things here which are bit personal. However, here it goes. I suffered from testicular cancer when I was 25. I didn’t have any social or family support when this happened as I was away from them for my studies. When this happened I was obviously under lot of stress, trauma, grief, guilt etc. Somehow and somewhere my mind believes that this was caused by me due to my masturbation habits. I can message you personally more. I would appreciate your help really. Now already having low self esteem, low self confidence, expecting too much from myself etc. didn’t help in such situation. I started believing that I am guilty and needs to be punished. This caused me anxiety and depression issues which I am still going through. It was very difficult for me to let it go as I kept thinking about it day and night.

    #178811
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Thanks Defined Sight. You said “Believing in a power bigger than me is humbling, yet empowering.”

    You see though I am religious person who believes in god to some extend, I never really accepted that there is something bigger than me who is looking after me. My mind somehow just refuses to believe that someone is there who is looking after me and I am being cared for. I am trying to think other way around and starting to believe that there is something out there who wants me to succeed and wants to care for me.

    #178805
    howtoloveme
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You wrote “When you need to punish yourself, hating yourself, that means you are angry at yourself, believing you deserve pain, that you are a bad person, isn’t it so?”

    Yes I agree to some extend I do believe that I need to punish myself. My sub conscious mind has endured lot of trauma as I believed that I caused cancer to myself. I don’t smoke cigarette and live pretty health lifestyle but still cancer was caused. And somewhere deep down there I believe that I caused this still. Hence there is this guilt, need to punish type feeling that is hampering my progress.

    Please help me to challenge these stupid beliefs so I can change myself and become more loving and kind person towards my ownself. I always believed that “self love”, “being kind to own-self” etc. is bit of feminist type thing and for soft people.

    But considering mental trauma that I have gone through and considering my mental health I believe it’s time to embrace these concepts. I don’t know how it will happen but I am trying. Please let me know your thoughts on this. Feel free to let me know your ideas as I am really glad to discuss.

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)