I won’t lie – I guess I won’t be able to ever fully understand it, as I’ve always been a person who lets my heart do the talking. I thought ‘head people’ were very much fictitious, because I cannot ever imagine making a sacrifice that big in my life. But I guess that’s naive of me – I can only speak for myself, as I only know how to experience life through my own eyes. My upbringing has shaped me the way I’m sure his upbringing has shaped him.

I think the issue here is that our relationship played out away from his home country, so I rarely ever got to see him interact in that setting. I spent a month there a couple of years back, and it was enough for me to see how much influence not only his immediate family has, but his extended – in particular his mother’s siblings. They all seem to work in sync with each other in order to influence and get their own way. They’re all very much in each other’s business, play the guilt card on a daily basis, and gossip about one another behind their backs.

Because I got to know my ex away from this, I didn’t see him in this dynamic. It’s only once I was there that I saw how it worked and how stressful it must be. When we were together, he’d Skype with his mum all the time, particularly towards the end of our relationship. And he’d always be down and moody when he finished talking to her, which was in contrast to the way he would be when me and him would finish Skyping with my family.

I am glad I got to visit as I got to see how it all worked and I can imagine how it all played out. The thing that pains me is how manipulative and two-faced his mother was. I thought she liked me, although I had proof that perhaps there was something not quite right there. She bare faced lied to me, which also hurts.

So while I do understand what you’re saying – how he’s numbing himself, and trying to convince himself that he’s done the right thing, I, as a heart person, find it so extremely difficult to believe someone can do something like that, let alone function relatively normally after doing so. If I were in his situation I’m sure I would have gone even more to pieces than I did when we broke up. Although my therapist explains this by saying that back him he had a lot to keep himself busy with – his decision, for one. The task of getting back on track with the career chosen for him, wedding preparations, the praise from everyone etc. But surely this will all end at some point? How do you then manage to live a life that was chosen for you without falling apart?

Is he just stronger than me? Or is it just another way of thinking?

Anita,

You really have a gift for seeing through situations – even at the time it did feel a bit like he felt he was “doing the right thing” so to speak, and quickly launching himself head first into the whole thing as a way to ‘get rid’ of any ‘negative’ feelings he may have been feeling – feelings associated with his love towards me. So thank you for talking me through this, it’s been really helpful and it makes a lot of sense.

What I meant by my last line was this: his email was technically a response to an email I sent to him 10 days previously in which I said I felt that there was more than what met the eye to what was going on. I, at the time, didn’t think his parents were arranging his marriage, but I did feel they were pressuring him into doing things he didn’t want to do – stay in his home country, do a career he didn’t want to do etc. So I said this in the email and added that I felt the ex was an escape route – a way for him to avoid facing up to what was going on. I also added that he hadn’t faced up to something that happened in his past (unrelated to the ex) – it was slightly irrelevant to the rest of the email, but also relevant, as I felt it was contributing to what was going on.

I said that if I was right in my way of thinking, to get in touch so we could sort things out. I also added, though, if I was completely off the mark, to leave me alone so that I could get on with my life. In other words, I didn’t want a response from him because his silence would have told me all that I needed to know, and I genuinely meant that. Had he not replied I would have taken it to mean he was doing what he wanted to do and that was the end of it.

Hence why I was extra upset that he felt the need to send that to me – in my eyes, no response would have been better, as I already told him I’d interpret that to meaning that I was wrong or that he was okay doing what he was doing at the time.

Does that make more sense?

Anita,

Thank you. It’s amazing how you seem to see it all very clearly – as clearly as everyone here (my family, friends etc). My dad, in fact, named the therapist a ‘witch doctor’ as he said from the start that he believed the therapist was paid by the family to parrot to my ex what they wanted him to believe/hear. I.e. that he didn’t really love me, that he was only with me out of guilt, that it was nothing but infatuation perhaps. Now thinking about it, it feels like perhaps they started pressuring him into seeing his ex as marriage material when he got home, he clearly was trying to say he loved me and wanted to be with me, but with all the pressure started feeling ‘confused’ which is when the ever so helpful mother would have suggested he sees a therapist in order to get a professional point of view.

Funny how this ‘professional’ therapist also ‘recommended’ he spend some time with his ex as it would do him good – I’m no therapist, but I know enough about therapy and psychology to know that if someone had effectively been ‘faking’ a relationship for three years, I would advise for him to be alone for some time, to get his head together first, live alone etc. Not spend time with the ex when he’d just broken someone else’s heart.

I also wonder if the therapist was an astrologer. In his culture, an astrologer is consulted in order to see if two people are matched before they get married. It wouldn’t surprise me if the ‘therapist’ wasn’t even a pretend therapist – if he was an astrologer or religious guru type person. I’ve actually heard about this before – parents from his culture consulting religious gurus when their children go ‘haywire’ – i.e. when their children want to do something against their wishes. They told me it was a therapist because that’s a ‘language’ I could understand so to speak.

Thank you Anita. This has certainly helped me get a bit of clarity from someone who is totally objective to the whole thing. Like you said, it doesn’t deal with my ‘tree’ but I think I’ll read your reply back to myself whenever I’m having one of my moments of doubt.

I’d rather not share the whole thing as I can’t bring myself to look at it, but he started out by saying that I didn’t deserve what he had put me through for the weeks leading up to the email, and that my family didn’t deserve it either.

Then he went into the fact he’d seen a therapist for ‘three detailed’ sessions, during which the therapist came to the conclusion (which he agreed with) that he was only in a relationship with me to prove to himself he could love someone other than his ex. And that because of what my dad had done in the past (i.e. left the family) he didn’t want to do the same thing to me, too, so he stayed with me out of guilt.

He also added a few other things, that I can’t really detail here as they are in reference to something I had brought up in the email I had sent to him about a traumatic part of his childhood.

He then ended the email saying I was a gem of a person, that I’d always tried to show him the ‘right path’ and that he believes I’m strong enough to do whatever I put my mind to.

That’s as much as i remember. What I do distinctly remember is how the tone of the middle paragraph was quite different to the opening and closing paragraphs.

Anita,

This is very frustrating – I wrote you a long reply and it’s now disappeared 🙁 But I wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful response to what I had posted. I have lurked on these boards for a while and I was always encouraged by the balanced, positive replies that people give here, which is what gave me the courage to share my story.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on what he may have been thinking when he sent me that email – it’s certainly a perspective I hadn’t considered fully, but that makes sense. Him and I broke up briefly during our first year together, and when we got back together two weeks later he told me that him and his mother had argued because she’d told him that it was for the best that we had broken up – the reasons being because I wasn’t from their country, I’d never live there, i couldn’t speak the language and wouldn’t be able to teach our kids their culture. I now feel this was her making her real feelings known at a time when she wouldn’t seem like the bad guy and I don’t think she expected we’d get back together. With this in mind, when everything imploded this time last year I am sure she would have said she made her real feelings known back then and may have asked him to justify why he got back together with me when he knew how the family really felt – hence, he may have replied by saying because of my background he felt guilty to breakup with me, which couldn’t be further from the truth, especially at that point – he wanted us to get back together just as badly as I did when we broke up the first time.

So, thanks – it certainly helped to read your reply and made sense. People tell themselves all sorts of things to make themselves feel better, especially when they feel they cannot change a situation. My friends and family believe he intentionally set out to hurt me with that email to keep me away. He knows i’m a spirited person, and had I really known what was going on there is every likelihood I would have been on the first plane out to find out why they were doing this. But if you tell someone you’ve never really loved them, you give that person every reason to turn their back and walk away. I’m just surprised that he didn’t realise the impact those words would have on me – they didn’t anger me, they almost destroyed me.

I am currently in therapy and trying to explore the reasons why I feel so unlovable. I just find it so sad that even with every single person I know saying to me that they firmly believe his family are the main reason behind the breakup, I find it easier to believe I was with someone who never truly loved me. When I was with him, I never doubted that love. Sure, I had insecurities, but I never once remember being in bed at night and wondering if he actually loved me or not. He was very open with his love, very affectionate and it felt very real at the time. But I’m struggling now. His words in that email have impacted me in a deep way and I sometimes wonder how long it will take me to be able to fully let go of the impact they’ve had.