Hi Anita,

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply, a lot of stuff has come up in my life.

I’d like to first respond by saying I truly appreciate the opportunity to reflect on my life through our conversations but I think I painted my parents in a way that I did not intend to do so. My parents didn’t/don’t know how to handle conversations around depression/mental illness and I won’t deny that. But they’re both amazing people and I’m so grateful to have this family.

When I look back on my life, it wasn’t my parents that were the cause of my depression/self-harm/suicidal thoughts, it was partly our society and partly me. I’m so different from everyone else and I’m beginning to accept that I’m different but being different doesn’t bode well in high school but I also didn’t ask for help. In a way, I blame my mom. She put an absolute fear of hospitalization into me that I’ve never been able to be honest with any therapist about how I feel. I’m not currently suicidal but when I was, I was never able to tell my therapist the truth and get the help I actually needed at the time.

My mom and grad school – that was tough. I think that goes back to my parents not knowing what to do with mental illness. In her mind, I think she thought that if I stuck it out and had my own living, and earned my own wages then I’d be happy. I’ve stopped telling my mom anything about my depression because she simply doesn’t understand. I remember one time when I was in the midst of a depressive episode, I self-harmed on my arms a few days before and hid them. She told me that it’s really hot outside so it’s okay to take off my jacket. I said I don’t feel comfortable (it was only me, my mom, and my dad). She kept and kept saying it was fine because my dad knew. She didn’t put it together that I didn’t want to take off the jacket because I was so ashamed of my scars being seen by anybody else. I even wore a jacket in 100 degree weather that summer. My mom means well but she doesn’t know how to understand mental illness. She thinks people see therapists when they’re having a mental breakdown and not when they simply need someone to talk to.

My dad too – he’s so traditional and so set on how people can do well in school and in jobs that he doesn’t know how to see beyond that. He actually did say the exact same things to my brother as he did to me – my brother never let it get to him whereas I’ve let it control my life to a degree. My brother’s able to be civil with my dad because he’s moved on whereas I’m sometimes verbally a bit harsh (get irritated with little things he does) with him because it’s bothered me.

When I reflect back, I think that yes, my parents could’ve done better. The signs of eating disorders were right in front of them – taking a “shower” after every meal because I purged everything I ate or not eating/drinking very little water for many days saying I wasn’t hungry and then binging (although the binging was often when they weren’t home) or the hundreds of “I’m just tired” and then “happily” calling out my dog’s name whenever I was asked if I was fine. But they were also amazing parents too – mom has been my rock in some health problems I’ve been dealing with, she’ll literally let me vent to her even when she’s sick or has had the hardest day, she’s always there for me no matter what, and she’s so understanding with most things. My brother and I are incredibly close too and he was actually the most understanding with my depression – although I don’t talk to him about it. My dad and I have had our hard times but we used to go on a weekly hike and it was some of the most therapeutic days. It’s easy for me to talk about my depression when I’m behind a screen talking to a stranger, but it’s incredibly hard talking to anyone who might know me – which apparently is common with depression. It just feels like nobody would understand so what’s the use.

Hi Anita,

I’m sorry for a delayed response – I was traveling and a little busy. I’m okay – I found out some diabetic complications have already started (constant tingling in the feet) and I’ve been spending the last several days completely living in regret. It’s affecting my mental health so I’m trying to work around that while still eating low carb. I’m just so young and I feel like this brings on a low quality of life and I haven’t done things I wanted to do – I’ve never even gone on a date or been kissed or traveled as much as I wanted to and I feel like this will stop me from doing things like that. I’m sorry for venting so much – I haven’t really talked about any of this and it just poured out as I started typing.

How are you?

That makes sense about the anxiety and overthinking – it seems like it can become a vicious cycle as they feed off one another.

That’s interesting, I didn’t know about how the food becomes a freedom from anxiety but it makes sense. I’m so sorry you dealt with the eating disorder. I hope you’re better now. That makes sense of finding something else – I used to go on daily walks, about 4-5 miles each day which were a big thing for my mental health but I’d often eat wrong (after the diabetes diagnosis) thinking that the exercising was offsetting the food so it was fine.

I’m sorry to hear about what you dealt with. That sounds so awful and I hope you’re better now. I can totally see how eating the donuts would have a sense of helping with the anxiety – it sugarcoats the anxiety so a person doesn’t feel it as much. (No worries, I didn’t get my sweet tooth triggered! I’m actually working with a dietician to cut out all sweets!). I absolutely relate. Even after the diabetes diagnosis, I would get donuts and have them because they would calm my anxiety, without realizing what it was doing to my physical health, or the many, many sugary cocktails I would have because they would help alleviate my social anxiety. When I went to grad school, I fell into a depressive episode (this was after my diabetes diagnosis), and I ate sweets and drank soda to help calm the depression. I ignored my doctors advice just to help my mental health, without realizing that my physical and mental health were connected. I’ve never really talked about all of this and it’s helping me reflect on my life and how unhealthy of a relationship I have with food. I definitely need to find something else – I love sitting outside and reading which helps my anxiety or exercising (without thinking I can eat anything because I exercised). You wouldn’t know this by my diabetes diagnosis or weight but I love to exercise – I used to workout about 3 hours a day or sometimes 4. My diet was the part that was never good but exercising helps my mental health tremendously.

I’m going to try something new in everything I do, find something to be grateful for. So if I drive somewhere, being grateful for my car. When doing my makeup, being grateful that I can express myself through makeup. Being grateful for even having a computer to type this message and finding the tiny buddha site and these messages with you which have been so helpful.

I’m sorry for venting so much in this message, I’m just trying to get out of a bad mental health place and I haven’t had anybody I can really talk to so this message has been therapeutic in many ways.

Hi Helcat,

thank you for your response! I definitely understand and I think the foods which I was raised with definitely hurt me in the long run (such as having sodas whenever eating out etc)

Thank you!

that makes sense, I think the thing that makes it hard about diabetes is it’s a “silent disease” so I don’t feel the effects of what I eat which makes it harder to eat well. But I just signed up to see a dietician!