Tell me

Please tell me, how does it feel to watch someone you bonded with turn into a stranger in a blink of an eye. And then how does it feel to find out that they married another person right after only mere four weeks of ending a relationship. Also tell me, how would then it make her feel when she bumped into social media videos of them walking down the red carpet together for their reception? All this – and then the other traumas one must have went through… still you try to be fine. But oh in that process, breaking news over another breaking news… doesn’t it just spoil your moving on game?
And then it feels terrible, you feel angry at yourself for letting someone in when they wanted, feeling the feel of betrayal, big time. All these feelings, you think of revenge, how if ever karma strikes or not as you see them happy and only you are sulking. Strange. And then also moments when you soften up and think of that person in a mellow way until you feel somewhat angry again, numb then tears flowing down your eyes, those moments too… without a sound. Then this tightening of your chest… the void you feel, fearing no one else will be able to fill it again. And your walls high up! All this… it’s a terrible feeling, wouldn’t wish this for anyone. And your chirpiness all gone, you being the quiet one among your friends.

“Tears are alright, they are the price we pay for love, care and compassion.”

From my notes

It’s just that now I feel lost. Not just cuz of him but over all after facing different traumas in 2017 and this being the big trigger… as this relationship kept me in a happy zone where I’ll still be of help for others. Now I just want to be able to help myself and even that isn’t easy.  Need to know how to get out of self pity – better than the first month though but still – their marriage felt like a slap, made me laugh and cry both. Lol

i realised I can relate with the symbol of a Phoenix that rises from the ashes stronger than before but duh! It’s not like I’ll rise to MT EVEREST. Also strength makes one bitter as well… I can react strongly to things sometimes, I think it’s the anger within. At the same time I can pretend well in front of friends.  Don’t want to take life so seriously.

For laughter I guess I should watch comedy movies but even there love and romance is involved which makes me think of what’s missing from my life.

Now looking for settlement can’t be ones purpose of life… can it? Lost indeed. Anyway gotten through much worse so this too shall pass. Just that “chirpy” side. 🙂

just blabbing before I close my eyes to sleep.

Thanks for listening Mark. You do look in the best shape of your life btw standing next to your bike 😉

Thanks Mark. I’m trying… I don’t know if mingling on and off with friends or getting back to the gym counts but if yes then I’m trying.

Pictures will hurt, and I’ll miss the warmth I once received but I’ll go on.

My self esteem’s hurt… confidence a little shattered… want to get in the best shape of my life physically so I feel prettier and happy mentally. Somehow… even waking up in the morning is tiring and needs effort so I sleep more sometimes but I want to fix myself even if I find no purpose yet. Not many desires at the moment… many “don’t feel like it” moments. Also thoughts of “look how someone who wronged you is happy”. Missing my chirpy side (this one isn’t in my control, I think that comes naturally) but I’m trying to eat healthy and trying to be regular back again with my gym routine. Really want a fittest me. And I want to forget him as now I think of a couple and not just one person etc etc.  I want out.

“Until he intentionally decides to stop it” He told me “I might sound wrong but I’ve to tell her before meeting you” “I can’t do more wrong” “I can’t be more unfaithful” you know what I felt back then? That this ‘boy’ is deciding to fix things with another woman and now he will be the most honest man ever and fix life. No, he doesn’t deserve that. I hope when you say that is what he is practicing then be it. Practice away… why stop right after hurting me? My vengeance side just spoke, karma… I’ve never seen it struck people who have hurt me when it came to love relationships. Just saying… sometimes I wish I wasn’t an empathetic person or nice like people say I am. Your own loved ones end up taking advantage of you.

Anita, you are correct about not worrying about playing cards right in relationships… it shouldn’t be about that. I feel relationships shouldn’t be so complicated that we have to think of all that. Thanks, you pointing it out helped kill one bug from my head. And defining betrayal… I’ll have to screenshot that 🙂 are you a life coach or a therapist? You sound like either of the two.

Thank you for the support. Thanks for telling me I can write more when I feel like it if it helps.

Ps. Feeling vulnerable sucks. I’ve seen too much trauma this year and I helped my loved ones that now by the end, I feel I’ve hit rock bottom and need help.

Bless you all

Year of losses and goodbyes… lost both my grandmothers… family almost broken and at the end this happened, not trying to be a victim here… trying to move on. Or maybe letting things be till i can try again.

My over all personality is not possessive and not clingy and he knew that to the extent of not asking questions & giving loads of space. I think girls who don’t do all that get away with a lot than girls who actually act maturely in relationships.

And sadly when he broke the news to me… he said “i am the one with a bad character”

He will be building his house next year so Just two-three days before this… he asked me for my house pictures & made me contact my architect & everything as well. And then this. Anyway

Pretended to be a man as in a boyish attitude in real life faking to be really mature and gentleman like. An expression.

I felt ive been lied to & betrayed because I was cheated on. No he didn’t explain to me why he wants out. Said he can’t lie no more and that he’s seeing another girl so he can’t continue. Didn’t meet me, blocked me everywhere so I don’t contact him either. What not.