Goodness, this sounds like it could have been written by my ex. The negative self defeating thoughts and paranoia are so similar…..This is a very complicated one, and hard to give advice on because only you really know where your issues come from or what triggers them. I can give you my amateur analysis from what I understand of this type of dynamic.

There are several things in play here, self esteem, self image, self love, insecurity, fear, paranoia, ruminating worry. The last three are the manifestations from the lack of the first three. I give you much credit that you can see it is in fact negative insecurity, you admit that you know your thoughts are irrational. As being someone who has suffered anxiety and panic attacks and who has seen someone I care about have them also. I know that when we feel these things we absolutely BELIEVE their causes are life or death situations. Nothing anyone or even what we can tell ourselves is going to drag us back to reality. Its a very difficult place to be in, and can only further to damage our psyche and confidence.

You are having these thoughts because some primal instinct within you is reacting to preserve yourself. It may seem for good reason but the problem with this defensive bubble is that there is only room for one, and the other is left our in the cold away from your embrace. This primal instinct is even more powerful than your logical brain, it even has the ability to hijack your cognitive ability using your logical brain to justify valid reasons that your primal reaction is in fact warranted. You switch off all ability to discern between thoughts and feelings and see everything through a black and white filter. Facts are replaced by feelings, and perceptions are absolute. Understanding this can help ensure while your fight or flight response is in high gear, you can keep yourself somewhat calm. Knowing that you are not thinking clearly, you are having an episode and at all cost, do not react, or act while not thinking straight.

You need to find out why dating and relationships plays to your insecurity or self preservation instinct so badly. Generally it has to do with our core wounds. Something from our past, that traumatized us so badly, that our psyche has developed intensive defensive mechanism to avoid or deal with similar in the future. The problem is even the most innocent of comment or action can be perceived as an offenses gesture, thus being referred to as a trigger. Core wound could be something like, having been cheated on by someone you loved, being in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, even something like being bullied at a young age, or not having a strong bond with our original care givers can be the source. The point in all this is that we do not have a healthy sense of self. Something about our personalities never developed….. usually its our emotions and ability to manage them and discern the good ones from the bad, logical from irrational. When the core wound occurs it stunts our emotional growth, which affects our ability to think comfortably about who we are and moreso our ability to interact with others in romantic relationships.

Specifically romantic relationships, because these require much more of us than just friendships. A romantic relationship demands love, and you can not have love without trust, communication, and vulnerability. We can not trust others if we dont even trust ourselves. We can not have honest communication with others if we can not even have honest conversations with ourselves. We can not be vulnerable to others if we dont even know we truly are deep inside. Our defenses of core wounds not only serve to keep others our, but they keep us out as well, its called denial. We will control what we show others and what we dont. Only giving them bits and peices of ourselves, letting out as much line as we are willing to loose. Not loving with all of our hearts and minds, because we are reminded of our core wounds and how traumatic the experience was. We vow to never allow ourselves to deal with such a thing ever again and more than likely because we never really dealt with it or got over it to begin with, its simply repressed.

Something about your dynamic with this person triggers this trauma. Thus activating your primal instinct, to either avoid dealing with the problem and experiencing pain or to continue to repress the problem from the past that remains unresolved.

I read a lot of fear in your post, you are afraid he is using you, afraid he isnt attracted to you, afraid his jokes are hinting at some truth about yourself…… Something that may help is try to put your feelings aside and look for the facts. What facts or evidence do you have that proves you are being used, he isnt attracted, or that his jokes arent simply in poor taste? Fear is healthy when it keeps us alive, the flight or flight instinct. However, there is also fear that keeps us from living, that can also tigger our instincts but keeps us closed on a box removed from the greatest experiences being a human has to offer. An emotionally mature and mentally healthy person can discern between the two. The fear you feel comes from somewhere, be it fear of intimacy, commitment, or abandonment. All these problems arent relationship killers persay…. but the one thing I see that will ultimately cause these problems to continue is your fear to communicate with him.

This was a big issue in my past relationship. I was afraid to communicate my thoughts and feelings to him for fear of his overreactions. He was afraid to communicate to me as he was unsure of himself, and did not want to burden me with what he knew was his irrational thoughts, paranoia and worry. No one was talking, no one was communicating. We were both operating off of assumptions, and acting and reacting off half truths and the lies we were telling ourselves, because after all that’s all the limiting fear is, lies. We were afraid of loosing each other, and thats exactly what we got. Reactions and action based in fear will always yield the self fulfilling prophecy.

You say he gets frustrated, I can understand that. Being on the other side of this situation with a person who suffers from what you do. It can be emotionally draining. Feeling like nothing you can ever do is good enough, never knowing when the next trigger will occur and argument ensues over what I felt to be a non-issue. Its like walking through an emotional mine field, never knowing when you’re going to step on the next one. You feel like you will never understand this person as there is no pattern or predicable method to the madness. It all resides in their head and you are helpless to do anything about it. However if he wants to be in a relationship with you. He needs to understand and respect this is your reality. He needs to be mindful of his actions that can trigger this thinking, and be supportive and comforting when it does occur even if it seems for no reason at all. This much I can not say I was great at. There was defiantly more I could have done to be understanding and patient. Not to act in ways that triggered him, and take responsibility for my part.

I would suggest seeking a therapist. However counseling will be useless if you refuse to be honest and open and objectively receive whatever input a professional may have for you. You are going to need an ability to objectively consider all factors about the way you’re acting. Your denial and instinct will attempt to disrupt this. Your denial will tell yourself, “we have been hurt, we are this way for good reason” and that may be, but the follow up question is, “but is this reason allowing me to live my life to the fullest and truly getting what I want out of it?”

My ex always sought to make me responsible for his reactions, never taking accountability that his reactions are his own, regardless of my actions which were simply triggers to deeper issues within himself that he was not ready to admit none the less deal with. It was because of what I did, that was the cause of his feelings or reactions….. Although ultimately I have to own my actions as playing with fire. A relationship takes two, both parties holding themselves responsible for their actions and reactions. Fighting fire with more fire just burns everyone. Point here again being communication, with yourself and with him. If you dont communicate the seeds of resentment are planted, they will grow like weeds and choke out the bountiful garden that you are trying to build with this person.

I could keep going on this topic, as I am very familiar with it, having dated someone for a long time who was prone to the exact same thinking. To leave you I will suggest you really do some hard reflection, think back about your past make peace with whatever you find and start living in the present, and not thinking to much about the future. I tend to be more on the psychological/scientific side of things. However one thing I have learned from this site, is that our ability to keep our minds in the present and accept just being. Can cure a lot of the pain and suffering we cause ourselves by our thoughts, about our troubled past or fear of “what might be” down the road. Just enjoy the fact that today, you have someone in your life that cares about you, you enjoy his company, and yesterday is only memory, and tomorrow will be what it will be. I can only control *myself* in the here and now. This isnt an issue with just this relationship, its going to be a pattern until you can get it figured out psychologically or spiritually and learn to be more present. Best of luck!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Chad.

I agree completely, and often feel that we can best serve our own needs, by serving the needs of others and our community.

Example: If I cut my grass, plant flowers and keep my own home looking nice. What value does it have to me, if my neighborhood is blighted? My home looks good looking from the outside in, but what can I see of it from inside. My view is inside looking out. This is the world I see. If a tranquil environment brings me peace. Then shouldnt I help my neighbors who might be elderly and can not cut their own grass? or plant flowers in their yard as they may not have money for it? If this is what I see, if this is what affects me, in a way. Do I not have a responsibility to it, versus just existing in it, and doing only for my own property or business?

People are so wrapped up in their own worlds, they stand in their front yards with their backs to their neighbors and revel in their own shallow accomplishments. Not sitting inside by their fire and truly enjoying what it is they have, looking out the window and taking pride that they are having a positive effect on the world around them, not only making it a better place for themselves to live, but for others as well. Its a win win if you think about it.

Wilson,

You are speaking to something that is a common malfunction of the human condition. Psychologist refer to it as cognitive dissonance. It occurs when our actions or behaviors contradict our core belief or values. I too have had episodes of cognitive dissonance and my actions cost me the love of someone I cared for deeply. Does it make us bad people? does it speak to our poor character? I will wager no, becuase you are feeling guilty about it, even after. You are seeking to reconcile this guilt. A “bad” person or person of poor character wouldnt give a second thought to their behavior or how it hurt themselves or others. So give yourself some credit here. Dissonance is a really tought thing to avoid and steer clear of. You made a comment “i find i keep learning things the hard way.” Brother, I am right there with you. I seem to ALWAYS get myself in jams and they often arent worth what I was trying to achieve. Im with you, stuck on how to change it about myself. We can understand why it occurs, the dissonance, we can understand the self justifications we tell ourselves in the moment to quiet our conscience and do it anyway. I guess the trick is, to not act hastily. If you know you struggle with dissonance and self justification. Do not be quick to make a decision. Bad decisions occur “in the moment.” In this moment we only consider what we have to gain, in the way of instance gratification. We do not think about others, or the long term negatives or consequinces of our decisions.

Most people are guilty of this to some extent so go easy on yourself. The fact you recognize it and are seeking a solution speaks volumes above most people who just shrug it off and think the ends justify the means and will never take responsiblity for their choices as being completely their own. Some of it is maturity, you are in your 20’s. As you continue to age and grow, the negative ramifications of past decisions will stick with you and be constant reminders to steer clear of danger zones. My best advice as stated above, is to simply slow down, not jump to decisions. Allow your mind an opportunity to process the totality of the circumstances before acting. Research cognitive dissonance and self justification on t he internet for additional suggestions on how to address these things.

-Chad

Let me ask you this, what is the purpose of finding the answer to your question? I assigning blame going to change what occured? No, what is done is done. We all make mistakes and maybe the way you were contributed to why you found difficulty making a relationship work. So the real golden nugget in your question is, what was I doing that make a relationship/friendship difficult, and how can I change that and be more compassionate with myself about it. So that it does not continue to interfere with my interpersonal relationships moving forward.

I agree with the last sentence of IJ’s feedback, you have to give to someone what it is you want to receive from them. It all starts and ends within ourselves.

OKAY I know this is supposed to be a support site for enlightenment and encouragement, finding self etc….After reading your whole thing, you will have to forgive me in advance for some of my feedback is going to seem extremely judgmental and blunt. I only have your words and how you have portrayed your situation to go off of, I will give you my honest perceptions. I dont know what “black box” is or could even possible refer to, I really dont see how any issue it might refer to has any real bearing as it didnt seem to come up as something the source of your dilemma revolves around. What I noticed the source of your dilemma revolves around is simply…….. you.

1: I always wondered what a “young professional” title means exactly. How is it different from a young person or just simply a professional? Why combine the two? Is there an old professional? if so what does that mean? what would be the difference be? When I hear young professional and from my experience with people who use that term, its simply some sort of “status.”

2: You made a choice, to date someone you weren’t interest in, I think you need to ask yourself why? be really honest with yourself… going into something with a poor attitude and ending up with what you have….. are you surprised? I think there is something to be said about being an adult and not being shallow and giving someone a chance. The fact you make mention of it, tells me you think you should have enforced your boundaries earlier. Sometimes we should cut the cords to dating before starting a relationship with someone. The reasons we do it, are for you to find and will be what keeps you clear of something like this again. You list off things like, being fit, having money, being professional and having friends….. these are really your priorities? This is what common traits you look for in a partner? or how you gauge success of your life? What about, is emotionally balanced, respectful, responsible, honest……. I see those mentioned no where in your laundry list of demands from a man. I only see shallow surface things that have little or nothing to do with WHO a person is, but simply WHAT they are. Just Q’s to consider.

3: You say the word FEAR 4 times….. I will give you enormous kudos that you are willing to admit this being one of your obstacles. FEAR lives in your head and poisons your heart. Most of the time what we fear is not a reality however a figment of our insecurities. Why would you be in a relationship with someone for an entire year you kept secret? This guy must have a steel sense of self or no self esteem at all to be someones secret for an entire year.

4: “R isn’t very polished or well read, his language is fairly crass and he lacks the worldliness I’ve always expected my partner to have.” ………Are you serious?

5: “he didn’t have time to become a suave, polished, cultured man” Sounds like you’re too good for him then

6: You’re mom probably knew the entire time what was up. If she has sacrificed to give you what you have, hopefully you’re appreciative of her. At the end of the day however, your life is yours to live. Im sure the sacrifices they made weren’t done for you to make bad choice too. That is apart of learning and growing. I’m sure mom understands that and would be supportive of you no matter what, that’s just the way moms are.

7: So its his fault you cant stand up for what you want? or that you cant be honest with yourself or your parents? “normal” couple? what does normal look like anyway…? look around two men, two women, white black, transgender, single parents, normal is taking on a completely new meaning, what meaning or normal are you stuck on?

8:They say breakups light up the same areas in the brain as someone getting clean off cocaine. We think its a “hearbreak” but its really a withdrawal from a chemical addiction, from the hormones in our system that are generated when we feel “love.” Give it a couple months, and see if you still feel the same way.

9: Im liking this guy more and more, good for him. He needs to find someone who wont try and change him into some James Bond CEO fantasy partner that you are looking for. Just because you dont have your stuff together emotionally, its not fair to make it his problem. You broke up with him, he doesnt owe you anything anymore.

10: Regret and guilt is a good thing to a certain extent, it means you arent a complete sociopath. But why do you feel these things? because you hurt him? or because you had him, gave him up, want him again, and he’s smart enough to steer clear? Something tells me the latter. For his sake and for your own healing, you need to leave him alone. Not forever….. just until you can get yourself back into the mold of a semi healthy and emotionally stable person again.

11: Rumination is a tough one, the only way Ive found to really stop them, is to change your attitude about the break up, one from pain and despair to freedom and life lesson. When you can look back and smile appreciating the good times and knowing the bad were necessary for growth. You wont have these pangs of remorse and frustration.

12: The only way you’ll ever get him back, is to get over him. Break ups happen because its broken. Something about the way he is, and the way you are simply do not work together. So to assume that you can remain the same people and try again is against logic. Ever heard, “doing the same thing the same way and expecting different results?” You’ll either have to accept its over, learn what you needed to learn and move on. Or try to address your problems and be a better person. You’re going to have to do all these things anyway. Otherwise any future relationship you have you will simply drag the same negative manifestations of your personality into the next one. Once someone has put you outside of their defensive walls, there is absolutely nothing you can do to get back in. They are the keepers of the gate and will only be the ones who decide when and for who it opens again. This guy let you inside once, you ran am-muck, and like the barbarians into china he’s built a big ass wall to keep you out. While he attempts to rebuild in the aftermath.

Sister, Im telling you, I wish I could swoop in and sprinkle magic dust to make your pain go away. It sucks and I know it so much. I hope you approached my feedback from a position of humility. I honestly see in your writing a lot of extremely typical problems with young people these days. The confusion, fear of commitment, the unrealistic expectations, the misplaced priorities. The only freedom from all this is not going to come from him, or your friends, or us. Its going to come from yourself. You need to commit to intense reflection and own the things you find. This is about YOU, whatever part he had in it and he does, they always do. It doesn’t matter as he is gone and you’re only left with yourself now…..

I hope you find the peace it is you seek, its all begins and ends within us!

Congrats Sonia, when I came out and no one really cared, my first thought was. Why didnt I do this sooner!?!? Im sure you are enjoying being released from your burden. Hope Mardi Gras was good, we go all out where I live in Louisiana (USA). One of the few areas in the states that celebrates the carnival season.

I am by no means a professional, however just an astute “observer of the human scene.” My analysis and perspective is as follows and feel free to ignore any or all of it. At the end of the day you have to do what feels right.

Firstly, this guy came on strong at first? I too am apprehensive when someone is just way too into something way too soon. Often there is a lot of idealization going on, where they have you built up in their head as the ‘perfect’ person. They are seeking an attachment not a relationship, which could be a red flag to deeper layers of insecurity and self esteem issues. This process isnt sustainable and unless a deeper bond is formed in the mean time, when the inevitable occurs. Which is that they realize you can not live up to the person that is strictly in their head (no one ever can) they’re usually disappointed and gone not soon after. That may have been or not be what was occurring. Most emotionally healthy people take it slow and if anything go with the flow with minor expectations on you.

Secondly, kudos for standing up for your feelings and willing to admit to yourself you were foolish (forgive that word) in not having given him a chance. Kudos for sharing it with him. So what did you expect? Him to say “oh yes, ive been waiting for this day for the past year, Ive had my life on hold waiting for the moment you finally realized I was here.” I may have trivialized it, but the point remains, and to me, seems a little selfish to expect much from him at this point. When you release your expectations the rejection will sting less.

Third, its a tricky thing making friends into lovers. You risk loosing the bond and relationship you share with this person as a friendship. If that is a risk you are willing to take to loose this person from your life completely. Keep pushing and that’s more than likely what you will get.

To bring this back to a more supportive and enlightening perspective as this is “tiny buddha” my best advice would be to release your expectations of him and what it is you want from him and want him to do. He is his own person, he was into you, and isnt anymore, respect his choice and his right as an individual to make that choice. If you really care about him, his happiness and well being should be important to you. If you dare love him, than putting your needs before his, i.e. wanting him to be with you, when he does not wish to pursue this. Isnt really love in its purest form. I personally dont understand the “all or nothing” line between friends and dating. Where one minute you can share an incredible bond and the next are perfect strangers simply because one party does not wish to deal with the difficult emotions. The first step of a romantic relationships is first a friendship, so if you arent willing to be a friend to him, be supportive to him, meet with a smile any new woman in his life. Than he might be better off with you gone.

I hope you find the peace it is you seek. I have a bad tendency to play devils advocate, so please forgive any thing Ive said that could be communicated or received as judgement. It is only my intention to provide a more humbling perspective, as I have learned it is only when we look inward do we find truth in our circumstances. Its a hard spot to be in when feelings aren’t reciprocated. You can not control him, you can only control yourself, and decide what of him in your life you’re willing to be satisfied with, even if it isnt the way you want. It all begins and ends within us!

This sounds more about him than it does about you, just a few points I would like to provide an alternate perspective on, feel free to disregard if you wish. I am not a professional of any sorts.

1: Lets give you credit for bringing your issues to him! Communication is a bedrock to any solid relationship, Lets also give this dude credit for giving you an honest answer to your concern. You got what you asked for, so how will you react? Use his honesty against him and end it? Someone who is willing to be open with you and honest with themselves seems to be a rare thing.

2: Soulmate theory, I dont believe “soulmates” just happen, I dont believe you just walk through a crowd and are guided to someones spiritual energy. I believe soul mates are created when two people are compatible enough and feel comfortable enough with each other to drop all defenses and insecurities and bear their souls to each other. This vulnerability on both sides it what *creates* the soulmate bond. It takes a lot of work and two very emotionally healthy people.

3: What will you do now? You say you love him and despite some relationship problems you want to “work it out.” I would use this as an opportunity to take inventory of these past issues, were they mutually resolved? or just swept under the rug? Were they really deal breakers that you ignored/made excuses for because you simply wanted the relationship/companionship so badly? You need to come up with a game plan of where to go from here. The pin has been pulled out of the grenade, will you throw it or hold onto it and let it blow you both up? His comment about not being 100% sure I think is a decent sign all is not lost just yet. Most people have several layers, the root of all this is probably between one or multiple of his. However most people aren’t honest enough themselves to start peeling the layers back to find the answers.

I think your solution is going to come only after some hard, honest and open reflection, as to the condition of the current relationship. If there isnt really a strong foundation beneath the “surface” anything you build on that lot will just fall apart as time goes on. If the relationship hasnt progressed emotionally past 6 months, its probably because someone isnt willing or able to be vulnerable emotionally to take the big leap and risk to opening up and moving into deeper territory.