Lucy,

You refer to him in two tenses, the person you knew, and the person he acted like at the end. Its important to keep in mind, throughout the entire time you knew him beginning till end. His actions, his words, his behavior be it good or bad. This is who he is, as a whole. Its a concept I struggle with myself, to know that people are capable of great amazing things, and some pretty terrible callous selfish things also. Im no different, none of us are. Its really hard to look at someone the same way once we know what they are really capable of doing when the are only thinking of themselves. It makes us question all the good, and whether it was genuine or not. I think it was, but only in that moment. You have to take it for what it is. Understand the dichotomy of peoples personalities. People these days lack consistency. Our personalities and character traits come out in a polarized fashion. To one extreme or another. Trick is finding someone who will treat you with respect and consideration when things are good, and respect and consideration when things are bad. Because being that type of person is important to them to be authentic, i.e. even when they are only motivated by themselves. Both sides of us are who we are always, circumstances or the behavior of others have a large role in our reactions, however do not absolve us of our accountability to how we act. If we act in a way that is shameful to us, the best way to deal with it is not act that way in the first place. However most people do not have this level of awareness or honesty with themselves, to take true ownership of their actions.

You miss the friendship, for me this was also the hardest thing to get over. Above nothing else my ex had become my best friend and I missed him in my life for that the most. Try to look at it this way. You love him, you want the best for him, you want him to be happy. For me I realized, that if these feelings are true, than I need to own them in their true form. Letting him go on his way and go do him, and respect he makes his own choices. His choice was to leave and date someone else. I will not attempt to understand it, but simply accept that as his right and his choice, and support it by leaving him alone and letting him live his life the way he wants to live it. I will always be by my ex’s side in spirit, that will never change. That brings a level of contentment that helps with the empty feeling that exist as we are no longer present to each other. Eventually as you find yourself and your confidence again, this need to connection will go away.

You say you were taking from the relationship but not really put back in. This is a very insightful observation. One I applaud you for the ability to identify as it took me awhile to get this myself. As the same dynamic was occurring for me. To share with you something my therapist told me. A relationship is like an emotional bank account. If both people are withdrawing, and not making deposits, or one is withdrawing while the other is putting in all the money. Just as you need to balance your checkbook, the emotional register of your relationship gets throw off kilter. Eventually the account runs dry and there will be nothing left. Checks will start bouncing, in other words they loose their value. Next thing you know your picture is hanging up by the register saying, “NO CHECKS FROM THIS PERSON.” Dammit time to find somewhere else to shop…… When people talk about “emotionally checking out.” I believe this analogy is what they refer to. One is simply no longer willing to keep their name on an account that is over drawn, as they arent willing to invest anymore money into an account that has been mismanaged or one where someone has taken all the advantage and none of the risk. Or it could be that they were the one hoarding cash for a trip to vegas and they see that cash cow has gone dry, so they move onto the next sucker. It sounds like you’ve identified this as a dynamic in your relationship. So the answer now is, how do I become more emotionally responsible with the next guy? How do I communicate my needs if I find the register is not adding up?

You are right, you should not take him back unless he is willing to make you feel like you are on the same page with how it was left and where it goes from here. Most on here will suggest another way. We all have the ability to forgive, its just whether we want to or not. You are going to need to forgive him any how. Its really the only way to release this and move on without it becoming baggage. You are also going to need to forgive yourself and your shortcomings, and be compassionate that you are only human, it was an unfortunate situation, but things will be better because of it, it needed to happen this way.

I agree he probably is a really good person, but that doesnt mean he’s the right person for you. My ex is a really sweet hearted and giving guy, when he wants to be…… but I dont expect that side of him to be present all of the time. There will be times when the other side of him must come out during conflict and difficulty. It is this side I do not like or have confidence in. As far as ability to resolve conflict and move on without resentment, he just hasn’t demonstrated that ability. This is equally important to me in someone I date just as the sweet guy stuff.

I would suggest something moving forward? I really like your train of thought of what you would want need upon his return. You seem like you have learned a lot about the dynamic and would attempt to take some steps to achieve more balance in the future. Try this, think the same way, but remove him from the picture. Keep that same attitude and perspective and use it when dating new people and opening yourself up to new opportunities for love. Keep the same things you know and learned and stand up for the same things but from new people, people who may be in a better position to be those things for you. I dont mean this so much in the forgiveness aspect but more so in the boundaries that you have discovered that you will need respected before you throw yourself into a relationship again. I think if you try this, you will turn your attitude inward toward yourself and what you deserve, and less outward and what this particular guy needs to do for you.

As lame as it sounds time heals all. Im leaps and bounds above where I was a month ago, crying at my desk, or when any sad song came on, or for no reason at all. I hear the same song now and think pffft sappy bs, lol. Changing your perspective really helps, it seems you have a eagerness to do just that. Im glad I can help! We’re all stuck on this cosmic roller coaster called earth together. If you feel like you need any further sounding board feel free to post away I will look for “Lucy” and help where I can. That is until you realize Im full of it and tell me to bug off :p Take care, and go find those possibilities and make them your reality, for that best life you want!

-Chad

Dealing with parents is tough. We owe them a certain level of respect and gratitude for bringing us into this world. I struggle with communicating with my mother also. She always judges me by my past mistakes and always brings them up or assume I will act in a way to repeat history. Instead of being supportive that I make my own choices and that I am a different person now, one who has learned from my mistakes. I know she just does this because she cares about me and wants the best for me. I cant ask her to stop being herself, and I cant stop being myself either. So where do we go from there? I read an article on here though that made me think differently about how I deal with my mother.

Setting Emotional Boundaries: Stop Taking on Other People’s Feelings

Im sorry you have given up on love, I suspect you have been hurt enough times that you dont dare risk these feelings again. However, the crappy thing about love is, to have it you must risk. If you are meeting and dating manipulators and cheaters, you may need to take a look at why are you attracted to men who do this to you. Its very easy to sit home alone and think “whoa is me” it a lot harder to sit and look into the mirror see deep into it and say although I have been in some unfortunate circumstances, what role have my choices played in getting me to where I am at?

People absolutely manipulate to get what they want, I do it, and you probably do also. Cheating is a tough one, there are narcissists who will probably cheat any chance they get without concern or conscience. We need to be able to recognize these people early and steer clear. Healthy boundaries helps, as often these people will try to bull doze through them early on. If you have them, they try to run over them, thats a red flag to pay attention to. Then there are people like me. I’ll be honest I emotionally cheated on my ex. I had a illicit online conversation with a former fling. It not only destroyed my relationship. My choice destroyed myself and demolishing who I thought I was as a person. So please dont be so harsh to judge, we all are capable of inconsiderate acts, it doesnt make us bad people. Going to counseling I learned, cheating, isnt a reflection on just one side. Its simply the tip of an iceberg of relationship and personal problems. Its just where all the issues break through to the surface and become visible. The cheating is the what, everything below the water is the why…… It by no means is an excuse at all, nor even a justification. However, to be in a relationship one must posses a decent ability to be open and understanding, a willingness to feel empathy for someone elses crappy decisions. Its not always a reflection of you, but them and their issues, and of the issues and the dynamic yall share together. Like it was for me.

You certainly have someone to talk to, you have me, and everyone else who contributes onto these forums. We are your support, we are your cheer section, we are people who will tell you whats up and when its you or its them. So dont be a stranger. However we are no replacement for the connection you want to feel from someone else you can be truly open and vulnerable to. I want the same in my life. However my lack of being able to find it thus far wont scare me from continuing to try and putting myself out there the way I need to. You never know how many “Mr Rights” you’ve passed up because you let fear take the wheel. You have to accept your responsibility in participating in getting what it is you want for your life. Not expecting some guy to rush in an make you feel like its ok, to give him what he deserves. Every relationship will end, until one doesn’t. Try, try again my dear.

PTSD can be an enormous obstacle. My ex suffered from this, I wasnt sensitive and supportive as I should have been. Ultimately your own health is your own responsibility no one elses. Sounds like you are taking steps to address it, Huzzah!! Great 🙂

Life is about timing, opportunity and choices. As soon as all three line up, we’ll be good to go. I wish you the best of luck in your journey! Much peace and care.

@The Ruminant, I think what Angela meant was if he cares, he will be respectful of her insecurity, being respectful can come in many forms and doesnt have to be all or nothing type of deal. However this does or should not let her off the hook of dealing with them herself. I think such a statement would serve to only hurt the situation as the matter in question isnt something that is out right hurtful to the relationship, as if he were drinking and driving. I think such a statement would be appropriate in that situation.

As far as communication, I think most people will guard what is said for fear of how it will be reacted to. When this occurs communication isnt really happening. Good advice about being honest and clear and understandable

Anxiety is a physiological reaction of our primal brain reacting to a perceived threat, in simpler terms something makes us afraid. Strange part is all of these scenarios we create in our head are fears of a reality that simply does not exist. Its a perceived reality or a reality we manufacture by our imagination, fearing a worse case scenario, and the stress and grief we will have to endure by dealing with it.

My heart goes out to anyone who suffers from anxiety. It can be an extremely terrible things, and you can feel helpless to do anything about it. You sound like you understand its irrational but want to stop yourself from even having these thoughts.

I suppose the only way to cure fear of the unknown is confidence. Confidence that no matter the crazy scenario, you 1) will have to accept and deal with it anyhow and 2) you are capable and ready to deal with what ever occurs. If you stop thinking and fearing the outcome as life or death, your system will not perceive these threats as such triggering your anxiety.

One think I have attempted to do to help with my anxiety is, be more present in the moment, and not allow myself to dwell on the future or the past too much. Ask myself how are things right now? be present in your current reality, not in the abstract one created by your mind. Secondly when I am having an anxiety attack, some additional coping skills I have developed are meditation, taking my mind off of it by focusing on my breathing and my current existence and centering myself to achieving this.

Beth,

Ive always liked that name, I have a few great friends named Beth. Being a great friend must be a given with people named Beth! You sound like you have been a great friend to this person. Still be her side despite her choices in life. The unfortunate truth is Beth, we have no control over other people. You may want to feel like your kinship and sister like bond is strong enough that she will see the errors of her ways and see the light. However, in my experience having dealt with self destructive people daily in my work they will only change when they are ready to. You hear of an alcoholic or a drug addict “hitting rock bottom” this also is often required for behavioral issues. To me, as someone trained in human behavior. This sounds certainly compulsory and behavioral. Its not so much conscious choices she is making, but something deeper causing her to do the things she is doing. She sounds like she is in a lot of pain and dealing with some repressed trauma.

You can lead the horse to water however can not make them drink. I like what Cherry suggested about trying to quietly influence her into self esteem building activities. Generally most behavioral problems stem from some form of PTSD and self image issues as the result of trauma early in childhood. However, you can not make he see the value in these activities so do not become discouraged if she balks at the suggestion.

The problem with behavioral disorders is they are like the trojan horse of the mental health plane. They develop to indirectly cover over or seek reconciliation of a deeper issue. People are generally so entrenched in their way of thinking as it is hardwired into their personality. Their behavior alone, serves as a complex network of denial and defensiveness, that no one act of compassion or plea for sanity will break. The light may be shining brightly but subconsciously they will deny it is there as they do not have the proper emotional sunglasses to stare into it and accept it for what it is.

I would search the internet for more resources from professionals who are more credentialed in this type of topic. A lot of good books out there helping people in your position to deal with people who are self destructive in their own lives, and by proxy are negatively affecting ours as well. Best of luck, im sorry this is happening to your friend.

-Chad

Lucy,

“How can I let go and move on while still hoping that he will come back” This my dear is an absolute contradiction, you can not release something from your palm if your fingers are clenched tightly around it. If you’re feeling stuck it might be because you are still choosing to sit alone where he left you 3 months ago. The answer to your grief will come when asked the question, but why? I think an honest hard look inside yourself and finding the naked reason why you can not let this go will tell you more about yourself as a person than about your relationship. It will be the release of it, to know it has less to do with him and more to do with yourself. In fact it is something that you have control over. At least that was the case for me, when I was in your shoes.

You say you love this man and miss him yet you are willingly put yourself into new situations and dating, entertaining new suitors. There is this misconception among folks these days, that dating again is the best way to move on, or to prove to oneself they are over an ex. I will argue the complete opposite. Not only is moving onto a new guy so soon not fair or healthy for you, its not really fair to the other person either. Break ups happen for a reason. There was something about the dynamic that existed between you two, that simply did not work. So you get to begin the journey to ask yourself what is the lesson here? How can you observe yourself objectively and move on when you are simply seeking a new source to replace what was lost? How can you take the time and effort to truly work on you, when you are dividing your attention with new pursuits?

I see a few statements in your post that warrant further reflection as to the real cause of your breakup. I saw an indictment of timing, but from what you have provided I do not think this was the soul source of the conflict.

You say your wanting him back waxs and wanes. In my opinion if you do want him back it doesn’t sound like for the rights reasons. From reading the middle part of your post it doesnt seem like you really know what it is you want at all. Or how to balance all the things you do want in your life. Me personally I dont want someone who scored my importance in their life as a 5-6 some of the time….. doesnt sound like a level of commitment or devotion that would suit me.

You can reconcile the wanting him back by finding out the real reasons why, for me, it was that I missed the companionship, it was the fear of never finding love again, it was appreciation for the good parts about him. At the same time a complete lack of regard for all the things that were wrong with the relationship. The bad being the real reasons it didnt work out. I suspect much in the way of answers that werent apparent to me are also the root of your dilemma as well. When you can discover that perhaps your motivations are selfish in nature, than maybe you can develop appreciation that they arent with his best interest in mind. You are dealing with a different person here, entitled to his own, wants, beliefs and thoughts. So how can you say you love and respect him, yet try to control him and bend your will onto him? You dont get to decide what is best for him, simply because its what you feel is best for you. I think he has made where he is at very clear. Not to say he doesnt have feelings and thoughts as you do. However, he clearly does not intend on revisiting them or attempting to reconcile them with you.

We have established the dynamic that existed between, whatever it was, wasnt working. So lets say, he calls you tomorrow, says you are the love of his life and wants to get back together. What work have you been doing, while pinning away for him, that has amounted to meaningful change on some of your shortcomings that you have identified? If the answer to this is none, than although an attempt to get back together is initiated I suspect the end result will be the same. Ever heard the saying trying to the same thing twice the same way, and expecting different results? If you want to be better for him, you need to first be better for yourself. You need to be better for yourself period, regardless of him. This should be your only focus.

You gave this guy 3 years, he left you. You’re giving the person who left you, who essentially said, I dont want you in my life anymore, the power to keep your stuck while he moves on? The path to freedom is one you must walk alone, he is gone, and isnt coming back. So stay stuck? or walk forward with pride? Knowing that whatever your shortcomings were or how much you blame yourself. You deserved a partner who will communicate with you, help you identify areas of improvement, and demonstrate patience and compassion while you grow, and meanwhile grow with you. Someone who understands the situation, one being stressful, your stress his stress, and not punish the relationship for it, and bounce to go find something easier with another chick. Doesnt sounds like this dude was that kinda dude or he was looking to be the kinda guy who was gonna be there for you when the chips are down. Lucy, you honestly deserve better. No one should ever have this much power over our actions and future. Unfortunately though you are letting him have it. That’s all on you sister. So realize it, realize what you deserve, realize what you werent getting from him. Reflect and appreciate the good times and understand the bad were necessary for growth. Breakups in a way are a gift, an opportunity to learn about ourselves. But only if you are willing to unwrap it. Get yourself in a position where you can be truly emotionally available for the next relationship and with the empowering feeling you are in more control of yourself, so that you can lend into making it a more robust and well rounded experience. I hope you find that, and you will. Just takes time. Peace

-Chad

I dont have much respect for a person who initiates a smear campaign about an ex, once out of a relationship. This says a lot more about her than it does about you. I also dont have much respect for her friends who so blindly go along with her account of the situation. Most intelligent people know there is your side, her side and the truth.

She interferes with your life because you allow her to. Why are you still talking to this person? or having involvement in her world? Are you receiving any benefit or joy from these exchanges. You can curb your reactions to these provocations by removing her acts from your life completely.

I understand that you feel you are not willing to sacrifice areas of your life and hobbies. However for your own healing and mental well being you may need to find new outlets, or at least remove yourself from familiar ones. Until you are at a point emotionally where her attempts to start drama wont phase you. Until you reach a point of indifference towards her behavior.

I hear your point about being attracted to one personality trait only to realize later on that sword has two edges. Its the dichotomy of ones personality that I do not think I will ever become expert in understanding or being able to discern. She sounds like a master manipulator and it seems the puppet strings are still attached to you. You say you apologized for something you did not do. Again, why?

It seems you are still giving much credence to this persons ability to influence your life, thoughts and emotions. You are craving understanding, and sometimes with some people there is no understanding them. Peace only comes from acceptance that they are their own person, they choose their path to walk. Accepting this however, does not mean you need to follow her down it, or choose one that parallels.

Be proud of yourself you had the sense to steer clear and dodge the bullet. Time to detach and move on. Ive read some of your other contributions on here to others. You seem to be a very considerate and intelligent person. You know what you need to do, so whats stopping you?

Iva I will follow suit with sojourner and point out some things in your second post that concern me about your situations. You say ” his actions lead me to make such harsh comments” It doesnt seem you are truly taking responsibility for your behavior here. You are saying well if he hadnt done X then I wouldnt have done Y so its his fault I act like this. That’s the relationship you want, one where fire is fought with fire and two wrongs make a right? When that simply is not true. You give away your power by letting someones actions influence yours. Instead of handling a situation in a becoming way that reflects the person you are. Your reactions are your own, you can not blame him. “partnerships are give and take relationships, so as a girl who put so much in the relationship was I all that wrong to expect some reciprocation back” Yes the term partnership implies equality, if someone isnt doing what you feel is their fair share, you will never be able to make them. They may be doing what they are comfortable giving for various reasons, and to them they may think its enough. So the choice is yours, accept what it is you are getting or say to yourself “this relationship is not meeting my needs, this person is not contributing back in a way I would like” and move on from it. You also need to check what your expectations are, often times we set them so high no mere mortal could achieve what it is we ask.

I can tell this experience is very fresh for you. Just reading your second post, I can hear myself asking the same exact question just a month ago on the heels of my bad break up. I have accepted the following. Simply that he is his own person, entitled to his own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Because I dont/cant/wont understand them or he isnt doing what I want him to or what others/friend say he should do, does not make him bad or wrong, but simply wrong for me. When you think of things from a selfish point of view, i.e. what you want, what you need its hard to let go. When you start loving this man, truly loving him, not for what you can gain, but for his benefit. You’ll realize there was something about the dynamic in your relationship, that made it unhealthy. You certainly can love someone unconditionally, but unconditional love does not imply unconditional relationship.

You say this is the hardest lesson of your life, what are you learning? Its less about what you learn about him, as he’s gone, he doesnt matter anymore. What did you learn about yourself? Not to be harsh but when relationships end its usually because there were issues on both ends…. so what was your part? We’ve established you cant control or change him, so put what he did out of your mind. Focus on the things you can change and control, yourself. Do some serious reflection be humble and honest but also compassionate with yourself about what it is your find. So that way when you find another relationship you wont be doomed to the same mistakes.

You sounds like you’re stuck in the “death by analysis” phase of your break up, where your ruminate and play over all the things they ever said or did or all the things you did or could have done better, to pinpoint the moment it all went to hell. The reality is it was just a bad situation all around. This can be a very painful part of the breakup, you just have to keep centering your mind and focusing on yourself and less on him. It will go away, and hopefully you will be able to take the pain away and look back and smile, for the good times, and also for the bad knowing they were simply a test and an opportunity to grow. Hope you feel better, time helps.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Chad.