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HelloParticipant
Thank you Anita. And to everyone.
Iām very excited about letting go of this marriage , learning from it and living in peace. I have told him I want to divorce. Now that Iām in a much better place personally and spiritually, I have to tools I need to get through this and come out better on the other side.HelloParticipantAnd yes since weāve been married Iāve learned much more about his personality. He absolutely has narcissistic tendencies and shows blatant outright signs of having a superiority complex. In every case no matter who heās speaking to, he must dominate the conversation. He knows everything about everything and never ever shows any sign of being inferior or wrong. He goes so far as to proactively belittle others unprovoked just to drive his narrative. Heās what they call an energy vampire Iāve learned. About a year or so ago, I approached him on this in a very moving manner and said that it is inhibiting growth in all relationships in his life, including ours. I suggested he get help and look within as itās a mentally draining way to live. He said I was attacking his character and said heād think about it but that heād never been told this before in prior relations. Heās done nothing to improve but I make the point as I feel that thus flaw is a huge driver in the extreme way heās reacted to me and my past. Itās clear heās used it as a weapon to keep me ābelowā him.
HelloParticipantAnd he went to extremes to dig info on me and it lasted months – taking my hard drive, copying my personal info onto his computer, etc
he became obsessed
HelloParticipantI canāt thank you all enough for your feedback. I feel like angels are chiming in for me. Iāve spoken to family about this but theyāre admittedly biased so itās immensely helpful to get feedback from a neutral source.
to answer your question on why I married so quickly – I was in a very bad place when I decided to marry him. I had divorced a year before that to a man that I was with for 20 years. He and I really just grew apart and I fell out of love with him. When that happened I let fear of what to do next overtake me as all Iād known since I was 22 was being in love with him. So instead of facing my truth, I crawled under a rock and started having an affair. It was by far the most dark worst period of my life. It of course led to my divorce and after that I spent the following year just making wreckless choices and very lost. By the time my current husband and I went out on our first date, I was desperate to be happy. Yes he was a charmer from the start – Iāve never heard the term love bomb but thatās exactly what he did. And I fell for it.
On the flip side, I was not open about my past with him when we married. I didnāt tell him about my affair. I had ended that affair and regretted every second and to me it was personal and something I knew I would never do again so I didnāt feel it necessary to āannounceā it. I simply wanted to just shed the bad and start new. But I did mischaracterize myself to him in that I told him I spent the prior year after my divorce being low key when in fact I was really reckless.
so after about a year into this current marriage, my current husband started snooping, broke into my email , computer and dug up information about my past. So I begrudgingly told him all the details of my ugly few years before him and it was awful. I personally entered into counseling amx thatās when I really started to heal. I also took very aggressive personal steps to revive spirituality into my life which has been my true savior. I spent that next year making every effort to improve myself and Iām proud to say I did it. In the meantime, my current husband was angry, bitter, cruel, belittled me and called me names, etc – was not at all involved in my betterment even when I tried to get him involved.
I have a close friend who knows all the details of my past and she stated that while he has a right to feel somewhat betrayed, that his extreme response to something I did before him is unreasonable. I tend to agree but heās been such a master at making me feel like such a low person and bad guy that Iāve questioned this.
Hes spent the last 3 years in a place of resentment, anger and guilting me even though Iāve clearly improved myself and grown personally. With the risk of sounding silly, Iām truly a model spouse – Iāve been patient with him, loving, and humble but heās given me no credit or support.
I just wanted you to know the whole story as I didnāt feel it would be fair to leave that out.HelloParticipantPS I also gave him the ultimatum to see a counselor at The first of the year. Weāve seen one together but we didnāt get far. I saw a counselor at the beginning of our marriage and did a ton of personal work and gif myself in a very centered peaceful place. He never once wanted to know about my progress or discussed it with me even when I tried to. Heās got work to do personally amd I told him he had to see a counselor at the beginning of the year. He did but he used the time to construct the narrative that I was the bad guy for āmaking him goā and came out on the other end angry and bitter at me.
I pretty much donāt have anything left and am ready to move forward with my life in peace.HelloParticipantThanks to you both for your advice and compassion. Youāre right. I donāt think he took my concerns seriously each time and probably thinks nothing will happen if he doesnāt erase it. This isnāt an isolated incident. It goes along with many other concerns / red flags that have continually popped up over the course of our short marriage. We were married very quickly so I never got a chance to get to know him.
heās also mysteriously withdrawn 700 in cash over the course of a month. We keep a very tight budget and never use cash and keep track of every penny. Itās his account but I have access (I have my own bank account that he has access to)I started checking his pockets and each time a large chunk was spent in one day. For example he had 140 in his pocket one day and by the next morning it was gone. Heās also āfriendsā with the woman he had a affair with in his first marriage years ago and still communicates with her. There are just multiple trust issues.
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