📔 journal (Dec 20 2024, 16:00)

I was very busy – teaching, Christmas preparations, visits, shopping, … I am exhausted. I didn’t have time to meditate and need to get back to my mindfulness again.

Our pets don’t like visitors. Our dog is very jealous. She needs to check the visitors all the time and when we let her in her kennel (because not all people like big dogs), she is sad. She always chews on visitors’ shoes and other things she finds. Our cat doesn’t like strangers and she always runs away and returns only when she knows there is noone unknown in our house.

This morning I had a typical introvert hangover again. But I managed to get out of it quite soon. I know now when I get in this mood, it is the accumulated stress by too much socializing. I took our dog for a very long walk to get rid off my headache. It worked.

Honestly, I don’t enjoy Christmas time anymore. People are being crazy. Many people are in a depressive mood… where is all the peace, good mood and love? Why are people so serious about Christmas? It’s just a holiday… but people are horribly stressed out.

I am happy that we will visit my parents on Sunday and then we have a few days just with each other without anyone around. ❤️ My ideal world. 😊

Hello Anita,

thank you for your explanation. I do agree. This is the middle way. 🙂

I am not sure what you meant when you wrote about the impermanence in this context of fear of violence: “one of Buddhism’s core teachings is the impermanence of all things. This includes understanding that situations .and people can change. Adapting to changing circumstances and behaviors (including by protecting oneself) while maintaining core principles is part of being a Buddhist.”

Hello Peter,

“Is it possible to remain compassionate while holding someone accountable and or protecting oneself?” I believe it is. I don’t find compassion and accountability contradicting. Don’t we help the person when we generate good Karma for example by persuading him not to attack us with compassionate attitude?

I find a “pure buddhist” as a very good person with highly moral standards and very pacifistic attitude, which is unfortunately in our world easily taken advantage of. But I might be wrong… I’m still on my way of understanding. 🙂

I am not sure if I understand this: “… using the adrenaline boost from fear, anger and hate, which I then take on as ‘being’ – I am angry, I am hate… and compassion nowhere to be found. When ‘I am anger and or hate’ getting even is the most likely driving force behind my actions.” Can you elaborate on it and maybe write some specific situations?

Hello Helcat,

thank you for your support and understanding. You are right that it has much to do with my confidence. But I would repeat myself again. I sometimes find it difficult to tell the difference between people. Some people are good actors. But I rely more on my intuition now. I try not to overthink. As for violent types of people, such as the hooligans, I would try to stay out of their way, of course. But If I was confronted and threatened to be beaten as in the past with the neonazis again, I would try to talk my way out of it… with my open heart, understandnig and compassion. I know that such violent behaviour is rooted in his suffering. And if there was just a shred of sense and love in him, he would possibly retreat…

This brought up another memory. I was playing outside with my friend nearby the woods and we were found by a group of boys who wanted to celebrate Walpurgis Night (we call it here “Burning of the witches”)… simply, people gather around a bonfire, sing, drink, eat and burn a witch made of hay and twigs… And their “leader” ordered us to get them wood for their campfire. It wasn’t a problem for me and I brought the wood. He continued to be bossy and ordered me to prepare the fire and do this and that… I did it without any words or much resistance. In my head I evaluated (out of fear) that it was better to obey and I actually didn’t mind the work… I noticed that the more I obeyed him, the nicer he was to me. In the end I was even invited to stay at the campfire (which I didn’t because I was too shy to stay there with four older boys). But my friend was older than me and she was much more stubborn… and the more she resisted him, the angrier he got… I tried to tell her “Come on, do it and we can go”, but she wouldn’t listen to me… I told him that I would do the work that I didn’t mind doing it, but he was already so irritated by her resistance than he didn’t listen to me, either. And it ended up in some nasty hits…

But now… I don’t know why I started writing this. 😅 I got lost in my thoughts. Maybe later.

Hello all! 🙂 I’ve been much busier now than I expected so I don’t have enough time to reply in more details. I will do so later tomorrow or during Friday when I have a free day. The quote is from https:// http://www.dhammatalks .org/suttas /MN/MN21.html I found it when I tried to search “Zen Buddhism what to do when I am attacked”. Thank you for all your replies! I’m inerested in your thoughts and experiences.

What do you know and think about this quote made by the Buddha:

“Bhikshus, even if bandits were to carve you up savagely, limb by limb, with a two-handled saw, he who gave rise to a mind of hate towards them would not be carrying out my teaching. Even then you should train yourselves thus: “Our minds will remain unaffected and we shall utter no evil words. We shall abide with a compassionate concern for their welfare, with a mind of loving-kindness, and with no inner hate. We shall abide pervading these people with a mind imbued with loving-kindness and, beginning with them, we shall abide pervading the entire world with a mind imbued with loving-kindness—vast, expansive, measureless, and free from hate or harm.” This is how you should train yourselves, Bhikshus.”

journal (Dec 16, 2024, at 9:15)

I would like to write a short journal entry about my fear of people again.

Yesterday, we watched a movie Furioza on Netflix. A film about hooligans, a lot of violence, beating especially… I was so nervous and tense watching the scenes.

I remember when I was a teenager I used to go to visit my grandma who lived in a different part of our town. I always walked over a river and I had to go through the lock chamber on the river. Once on my way I met a gypsy who wanted some money or what, and he followed me all the way to the lock chamber. And there we met a group of neo nazis…

That was a great chance for them – a girl being harrassed by a gypsy – a perfect pretext to beat the gypsy… I remember they surrounded us and one of them, obviously the craziest (I had a memory of him in my head right away when I saw the first scene in the movie – a man eager to beat someone no matter what) gave me a choice, either they beat the gypsy or me. I told him that they should beat me, which turned out to be a good choice because there were members in the group who were sane enough to told him that they wouldn’t beat a girl. So, at least he gave me a hard time, mocking me for shaking (it was the physical expression of my social phobia – I always shaked uncontrollably).

It was a lot for me and at one point I started to cry a bit. I was lucky that the other members probably felt uncomfortable bullying a young girl who was terrified and they started to argue with each other. And the gypsy took his chance and ran away. And they all ran after him… I remember standing there, quite shocked… I was thinking if he managed to run away… But I don’t think so. 😔

I don’t know what is worse for me, to be beaten or see somebody being beaten. Both really hurt me… but the latter is worse for me.

I remember I met the older boys from the group many times after this encounter on the lock chamber… always with black eyes, bumps on heads, bruises, etc. … I felt very bad to see them beaten like that. It made me feel very anxious. I had a few encounters with them but just a bit teasing… I wasn’t attacked by them.

At some point… when I started to look as a young woman, boys (becoming young men) avoid hitting me. I guess their thinking changed and it felt bad to hit a woman… Also, I noticed that some boys started to feel the need to protect, you know the “protection instinct”… some grew up from violence, others unfortunately don’t… some men have violence as a lifestyle (viz. hooligans)

The movie really brought all this back to me… the worst is that it is not just a movie… these people are out there. They want to fight, they want to beat somebody so much… I was thinking what I could do if I meet them… How can I protect myself?

I don’t like violence, especially this type… fists, boxing, kicking, hitting, … so, no UFC, no MMA etc at all…

I am also very grateful that police forces are not so corrupted here and they really help and protect people. And I am happy that they are always on trains protecting people when hooligans go to matches. They also prepared special trains only for hooligans and control them all the way to the stadiums.

Just my thoughs this Monday.

I realize that it is very difficult for me to analyze my fear of people according to the Buddhist philosophy which I posted on December 13, 2024 at 12:35 am. But I will try to do so today and later post more about it.

Buddhism

The Four Nutrients

I forgot to write earlier that all my posts about Buddhism are by Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, my virtual Buddhist teacher. If you know different interpretation of these ideas or your favourite Buddhist school says something different, feel free to share it here. I am open to discussion.

We should be mindful about what nutrients we ingest and what impacts they have on us.

1. Food and drinks: We need to recognize what food and drinks are helpful or harmful. We need to practice mindfulness when we shop, cook and eat. We should try to eat mindfully, too.

2. Sense impressions: Our sense organs – eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind – are in constant contact with the world around us, which represents a food for our consciousness. We have to become aware of what we ingest from the world around us through our senses. And we need to recognize what makes us happy or unhappy.

3. Volition or intention: We need to cultivate the insight that status, wealth, material possessions, fame, revenge, … are obstacles to our happiness. Our happiness is present here and now (which is very difficult for many people to understand or accept and they chase their happiness in the form of wealth, career, status, …). We will be able to understand this by practicing mindfulness and meditation. The capacity of enjoying life here and now liberates us from attachements, impulses and expectations, which society puts on us, and bring a real happiness.

4. Consciousness: Our consciousness is like “the ocean with the six rivers of our senses flowing into it.” Everytime we ingest toxins (alcohol, junk food, tabloids, violence on TV, catastrophic news, materialism, envy, jealousy, …), we hurt our consciousness. And we suffer… and those around us suffer, too. Because we – our consciousness – become the nutrients for others.

Can you see this in your real life? I can. Very often. I’ll write about it later in one of my journal posts.