It is January 25, 16:07…

I wanted to write this post many days ago, but I just couldn’t get to it. I have been very busy and it’s taking its toll again.
I still struggle with the issues with my energy. It seems to me that what normal people can handle normally (socialize every day, commute to/from work, shop, solve various problems on daily basis, …) I can’t handle at all. I cannot manage many things or activities in one day. Let alone for several days in a row. Because even trivial activities (such as going shopping, cooking, welcoming visitors and then going to the car service center in one day) exhaust me terribly. And as something like that kept happening for several days in a row, I felt that I gradually became completely numb. For example, I wanted to read something here, but I only saw words, but I could not understand the meaning of those words. I just saw letters, nothing else. I feel like my brain is so tired after doing a few activities that not only do I have a headache, but my brain can’t even process information anymore.

(I’ll continue later today… I need a little break from computer so I’ll go and play with our dog)

Hello Helcat,

I hope that now your life is not scary anymore and that you’re genuinely happy (because you deserve it)…even if there’s a small snag every now and then (like in everyone’s lives).

I should think about the emotions more. It is true that now in January I have been very busy and I didn’t have time or energy for mindfulness. I must get back on track again and focus to be more mindful about my emotions and how my body reacts. I do not shake anymore. When I spread my hands in front of me, they are very still. My hands used to shake so much I couldn’t hold a glass of water without spilling it. It was very bad… People kept asking me what my was wrong with me, if I was sick etc. It is actually a miracle for me I overcome that because the fear in my body was so strong I didn’t believe I could heal my body.

I have never taken any pills (not even birth control). I am a bit afraid of commercial medicine. I don’t know how medicine controlling anxiety works. BUT I do remember a bad experience with Tramal, painkiller. Once I had a headache and my granny gave me Tramal (which was very strong because she used it for chronic pain). I felt like I was locked in a jar. Everything around me was humming. Everything was kind of blurred but not in physical form, but in the way I perceived things. (?) Like I didn’t care about anything or anyone at all… I felt EXTREMLY relaxed (very strong effect of the pill) but scared at the same time (my mind panicking what was going on) because it was not a normal type of relaxation. We do not feel this under normal circumstances… And it was not a pleasant experience for me because I didn’t have control over what was happening in my mind and around me. I think if somebody takes pills… has been taking for many years… they might have absolutely different experience with emotions (??) than people who have never had any medicine. But I really don’t know. (Imagine my granny had Tramal pills, drops and a special sticking plaster filled with it… crazy!)

I’ll write more in my next post. 🙂

Hello Anita,

thank you! I was a little hesitant to burn the journal. It is interesting to read through one’s history of memories. But I couldn’t relate to most of my thoughts in the journal anymore. I have changed a lot… It was me writing that, but it is not me anymore… It is a bit strange feeling… I am trying to acknowledge that old me, it was here, but I do not need to hold onto it anymore… I perceive that as a kind of “bridge” between my innocent me and the me I should become… I guess that one day I will forget myself even now in my thrities… And I won’t be able to relate to this “old self” which is writing this now… maybe it is the result of the impermanence, the inevitable change.

By the way, how have you been? Do you work in countryside (I think I read it in your journal)? What do you do in your free time?

📔 it is January 22, 2025, 13:00 here …

I was reading Peter’s thread about journals. It is funny that it appeared here now because I decided to burn my old journal a few days ago. I was thinking If I should post there… but because my memories in my journal were not so… poetic, I decided I would write a few words about it here. I don’t want to spoil the good mood in Peter’s thread.

I found a quote “You are what you think.” in my journal with a lot of drawings. I am not sure I understood it back then. Well, I am not sure I understand it even today. I have experience that mind and body can work independently… when I had social phobia and I was working on my healing with EFT, I couldn’t overcome my troubles with shaking for very long time… My mind felt no fear anymore… but my body still remembered… It took more years and more work to heal my body, as well… it is too easy and simple to say “You are what you think.” We are much more complex than we think.

But what really pierced my heart (and still does) is Madonna’s song:

This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need of a friend
Why did it have to end?
And why do they always say?

Don’t look back
Keep your head held high
Don’t ask them why because life is short
And before you know you’re feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don’t hold on to the past
Well that’s too much to ask

This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need of a friend
Why did it have to end?
And why do they always say?, no regrets

But I wish that you were here with me
Well then there’s hope yet
I can see your face in our secret place
You’re not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday
Those are words I’ll never say

This used to be my playground
This used to be our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy

This used to be our playground
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me

This used to be our playground
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
The best things in life are always free
Wishing you were here with me

It reminds me of my childhood escapes… and the places I hid when I couldn’t take the suffering anymore. A lot of despair… But today it is a form of nostalgia, which sometimes helps me realize how much I did and it is good I am here and now…

Because I was thinking about committing suicide many times back then (a lot of memories in the journal…). There was no way out of it for me. But luckily I always had a little… little, tiny… light inside, which always gave me hope that this couldn’t be the end. My story will be longer…

I didn’t like a post, which appeared here today or yesterday, in which the OP despises someone else who committed suicide “because of a girl”…

Be kind. Life is not that simple… Remember that what you say/write here or in your real lives, you will never take back. The words will stay with you forever. And they are your indelible imprint…

(continued later)

Hello Helcat,

take your time and relax. I hope your son is well soon! Sending a lot of love and strength. 😊

I am happy to read it, Anita. 🙂

I believe that the middle way is the right way.

Giving emotions too much space and freedom can be dangerous. Suppressing them is dangerous, as well. We need to be aware of our emotions, take care of them with mindfulness. This way, we can always be in charge of our emotions… with love and understanding.