Hello Anita,

I guess you are right.

Basically, I prefer to be found in uncertainty, which I can solve myself, than in certainty where I have to adapt. I’d rather be a self-employed person struggling financially at times, than to be employed and financially secure, but under control. I rather risk on my own than being in false sense of security.

I grew up alone, with no guidance, no support, no interest… and I was left that way for a very long time… I had to be on my own… until I was basically 27 before I met my boyfriend. (I had tendencies to sabotage our relationship in the first few weeks) And I’m probably so used to being alone, making decisions on my own, organizing my own life that I feel conflicted when it’s about to change… it is stresful to adapt to external control/expectations/rules… I find myself in conflict me vs others. And then I have this urge to resist even at the cost of losing a good opportunity…

THANK YOU!

📔 it is January 27, 2025, 8:45

I would love to continue my journey. I strayed off my course this month.

I made some notes in Hanh’s book. I haven’t finished it yet and I went back to the first chapters discussing the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path.

I was thinking about how I could “analyze” my suffering in the context of the twelve turnings of the wheel of the Dharma. (post #440400) I might think about it more.

I read somewhere that we are born to learn bad habits in the first part of life only to spend the second part of life learning to unlearn these vices. It is so true. Unlike animals, which are taught useful skills for life by parents.

I think it was on pinterest. And here I am finally getting to the picture of the mouse. Did you recognize that the picture is AI generated? I was quite shocked! I tried to make some pictures in AI for my picture dictionary but I never got such a realistic result. I think it is great for good purposes. But I am a bit afraid that in the future AI will be used by scammers more and more. So, we should try to be well informed about it.

My student told me that she tried to speak with ChatGPT in English and let it correct her English… I think I will be without a job soon. 😅

I can hear many birds outside today. It’s beautiful. It almost feels like spring here now. No snow. One thing I really like about snow is that it is very easy to track animals. I like watching, listening, following animals. I found tracks of one wild boar whose tracks are as big as my palm. He must be HUGE. I followed him but the tracks were quite fresh and when we got into the wood, my dog became nervous which meant that the boar would be near. I didn’t test it. Wild boars are the only dangerous animals here – there are no wolfs, bears… I think there are some packs of wolves in the Ore Mountains, which is very far from us. I found very large dog tracks – they belong to one Alabay which lives here. And there are of course foxes, martens, squirells, deer, … There is a crow here, too. And when I stay somewhere silently, he/she always flies near and communicates – replies to my calling. They are special birds, very clever. When we lived in the city, we used to have “a chat” with ravens and magpies which lived in our suburbs. That’s the only thing I like to remember from the city.

I have a relaxing day… I look forward to some meditation today. (at long last 🙂 )

I do agree. Medicine has its place. If there was no medicine, my boyfriend wouldn’t be here. It is not possible to cure something as serious as cancer with herbs alone. But it is horrible that chemotherapy – medicine for cancer – actually slowly kills the person that it is trying to heal. There was a young man who died not of cancer but of chemotherapy. His body couldn’t take it anymore. He was only 23. 😟

in the middle of chemotherapy my boyfriend had a breakdown and didn’t want to continue with the treatment. Fortunately, there was a great psychiatrist who persuade him to continue. She also prescribed him something “so that he could sleep well.” (😅) Well, he told me that it was a terrible experience for him because he was so numb that he wanted to say something to his roommate in the hospital and he couldn’t speak. His hands also suddenly began to twitch. At this stage his mother stepped in and decided to help him with weed. And it really helped him – it helped him to relax and he was able to sleep and eat.

So, you’re absolutely right that medicine has its place, but it can do a lot of harm, as well. On the other hand, banned but natural substances such as weed or kratom can sometimes be helpful.

I was terribly worried about my future after maturity exam. I had only two visions of my future – either I would become an alcoholic or a pill addict. And to me both meant the road to hell. I also really wanted to solve my phobia, not just suppress it with something. And that is another problem I can see in medicine – it doesn’t heal us, it only cures some symptoms.

I am quite surprised that you were prescribed tramal for a toothache. Is it common?

And what do you do with your chronic pain now? if I may ask and you would like to write about it more? Did meditation help you to manage your emotions again? 🙂

Hello Helcat, thank you. I decided to procrastinate a bit to slow down. Laundry can wait. 😄 I’ll get back to you later. Interesting topic how pills have different effects on different people.

Thank you. That’s nice. I’ll copy it and print it. 🙂

Thank you, Anita, I understand. And thank you for your tips.

It is still January 25, 17:46

… So, sometimes I am not sure. Is it only my introversion and sensitivity or am I experiencing more serious problems?

I also should think about my diet. My diet can be another reason why I am so easily tired. I usually have a bowl of oat flakes with 1/2 an apple and 1/2 a banana + some seeds / or a few chestnuts, and kefir at 8:00. Later I usually have a bowl of rice / buckwheat + any vegetables and beans, vegetable soup with potatoes / rice / or rice noodles, or sometimes lentils with some herbs for lunch at around 12:00 and for dinner we have a bowl of vegetable salad, a slice of bread and homemade paste usually made from curd cheese+herbs+vegetables and a piece of chesee / pickled fish / or an egg at around 16:00 to 17:00. I don’t eat anything between – I am not hungry. At the weekends, I usually prepare typical Czech cakes for breakfast (sponge cake, braided bread etc.) and for lunch we usually have some meat… even though I don’t like it and usually skip it. (I am not thin or fat – I have 162cm and 56kgs)

This morning my boyfriend flew to Mexico. He has a business trip there. This time he will be there only for 14 days. I already miss him, but it is true that I need to be alone SO MUCH. I’m looking forward to being just with myself. I need to relax and get back on track – focus on mindfulness, meditation and reading.

I was invited to the second round of job interview. I am not sure if I wrote about it. I tried to contact a language school which teaches languages only by phone. The lady sounded very nice and she later asked me if I could prepare 5-minute lesson in which I would explain and practice the word “appropriate”, 10-minute lesson in which I would explain the grammar “used to” and 15-minute lesson in which I would continue practicing the word and the grammar with the student. It is a very different style of teaching than I am used to. But I have prepared a plan and I will see what they will think about it.

I was a bit nervous when I decided to contact the language school. I had to leave my comfort zone and I was worried how I would be accepted… as usual… but I am glad that when the lady didn’t contact me after our call and I thought that she simply didn’t want to cooperate with me, I took it very well and I didn’t fall into self-pity or negative self-talk. I was determined to try to contact another language school and simply try, try and try… Now I will wait and if they reject me, I will keep looking for other options. I wish I could work with animals or in nature… but there are no job opportunities of this kind here.

(a little break again)