Hello! I was thinking that I should have this thread deleted. I realize that we discussed a lot of personal things and now when a frequent member suddenly and unexpectedly left, I have a feeling that deleting this thread (and the member’s posts) might create a little safer space when she decides to come back… I know that it might be uncomfortable to read something we decided to share but then realized that it was too personal and it might create some troubles in the future. I’ll copy this thread into my mail (because you gave me great advice I want to remeber)where it stays private only for me and then ask moderators to delete it.

Also, I was thinking if I didn’t make this thread only about me and “occupied” the space here too much.

bold was only word “intended”.

Hello Anita again!

It is an interesting thought.

In my eyes my mother is not a bad person. The reason I believe so is that I am convinced that she never really intended to hurt me. That’s important. It wasn’t her goal to see me suffer. (bold to emphasis)

I am a good person who managed to survive very hard times… kindness and sensitivity are strengths not weaknesses… and my life is proof of that.

“In regard to asking my mother for help, that would have been strange: to ask her to protect me from herself- because she was my main source of pain and trauma. No one, no person in my life (and there were selfish, bad people in my life) has hurt me as much as she did, not even close.”

Your mom was a bad person, because she intended to hurt you. Your story is very special and I would like to thank you for sharing it. It is important to see different stories. Sharing helps understanding. ***POSSIBLE TRIGGER*** If you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings. (Please ignore this, if you don’t) I was wondering: How do you feel about your relationship with your mother today? From your posts, it seems to me that you are at last free of her. 🙏 🤗

Hello Helcat,

yes, I know this “prison rule” from my boyfriend: “You have to identify the leader of the group of bullies and knock him/her out.”

You are brave! You had to take on the role of protector.

I was never brave. I couldn’t fight. Even though I loved being outside, running around the wood, climbing trees, building little small houses from sticks, playing with animals, … I was and always have been a tender girl/woman. I just can’t hit someone. I’ve always hated arguing or loud exchange of opinions. I am very slow to act and react… and when I am “surprised” by someone angry, I just stare… my brain is suddenly shut down… And I was like that as a child, too. I never knew how to protect myself verbally. Let alone physically. The best strategy was to be alone. Being alone meant being safe.

The elementary school, the children and the teachers at this school were one long nightmare. Everything improved a bit at high school… well at least with regard to having some good friends. However, my “alcohol career” started and it wasn’t nice, either. From 16 to cca 25/26 I worked in a pub where there were a lot of unhappy people, alcoholics, gamblers, drug-users… It was wild! I basically had to drink to put up with all of the suffereing I witnessed. I saw people being at their lowest point of life… and it was dark… sad and so lonely.

My life was a treadmill then. And when my granny passed away and I had to put my doggy down (my little buddy ❤️) because she was very ill, it was like these dark chapters of my life were finally closed and sealed for good… I substituted a technical English teacher for one foundry worker… and that man later became my boyfriend… since then my life just got better and better… I finally feel accepted, loved, respected… I can live in a house in the woods, have pets and explore my spiritual part. All my little dreams came true.

I think it’s good to experience even very difficult times. Hard times enrich us (if we let them). I don’t see my life as something that messed me up. It did influence me – I still do not trust people, I expect people turning against me and I need my freedom to feel happy and safe. These patterns sometimes influence my life negatively, as in my working life, but I am working on it. I am thinking that I can use work opportunities which match my patterns… maybe in this case I am just look in the wrong direction.

I’m glad you see things on the bright side. You had many very traumatic experiences in your life. It’s great that you didn’t give up on people because you remember the good ones in your life.

I am not sure how OSPOD (social workers here) exactly work here, what they can do… but as a parent you cannot kick out your child. You could go to prison for a child neglect. You can end up in prison also for not paying alimony. I know a woman who refused to pay alimony to her ex husband and she spent three years in prison for that.

Hello Anita,

I would like to thank you and Helcat too for two things.

I realized that this really is not normal, even though I have been told all my life that I am the bad one, because I am the oversensitive one and that it is me who just can’t handle a normal life like others.

And for your experiences… It is important to share… otherwise everything gets swept under the rug (again). It’s also inspiring to know that you’re fighting for the good… trying to be better and helping others too… because unfortunately there are so many people in the world who have chosen to follow the wrong path destroying themselves and/or others… their motto being: “I suffered, you will suffer, too.”

I understand my brother’s frustration, anger and resentment towards our parents, but he chose to go down the wrong path. Although I don’t know if he consciously chose this path or if all the things in his life – childhood and forming years – led him there. How much can we really influence? … I was in the dark until recently.

I remember that I used to be very annoyed by questions: “Why are you shaking?” etc. People noticed of course, but they didn’t even think to address it gently or actively in helping me… rather they used it against me… children laughing at me, bullying me by imitating me, deliberately ignoring me… teachers: “What’s wrong with you?”, “You have to stop shaking.” … those expressions of annoyance on their faces and the gestures like “Jeez, this girl again…” Rolling eyes… I also had this block that I couldn’t speak in front of others. When I was called to come in front of the class and recite, sing, answer some testing questions etc., I just couldn’t speak. My throat got tight, I couldn’t breathe properly, so I just stammered or didn’t speak at all… and I got 5. (the worst mark) You don’t speak = You don’t know… no care that I was obviously under enormous pressure.

How did you deal with this?

Have you ever tried to ask your mother (or father… I don’t know if he lived with you, as you rarely mention him) for help? When I did, I just met another form of ignorance. I remember my mom “growl” at me when she was annoyed by me. I wanted to try hypnosis (because I saw that once on TV – they treated people with phobias by hypnosis) and I was simply just chased off that it was nonsense… and no other discussion… as always. It was said and done. Period.

My mother came to some realization that it wasn’t all right and she needed some reassurance from me that I could forgive her. Which I did. Honestly, I never had any hatred towards her… I just knew I couldn’t rely on her. And I detached from her and got deeper into my inner world. But I feel that she has this conviction inside that it is our fault, that we are the ones causing her problems… She might have realized something, but the fact is that she really didn’t understand the core of the problem, or doesn’t want to… as in your words “it’s easier (..) to ignore a child’s distress than it is to acknowledge and address it…” I would only add here that it is also easier to deny being a part of a child’s problem than to admit it.

I remember that I ran away from the children club, too. And no one cared… no one asked WHY… I simply had to go there again. No discussion. The same story later at elementary school… No one… really… absolutely no one cared about my feelings when I was a little girl, let alone when I was older…

I remember the nights full of teror in my head. I was depressed in the evening when I went to bed and knew that I had to go to school in the morning… in the morning I was so anxious that I felt sick… still I had to go there without a word of understanding or support… more than 9 years…

No bad feeling for anyone… But don’t you find it strange that your child almost vomits in the morning when she has to go to school day after day, year after year…?

When I started with EFT, I had very painful and shameful memories connected to this accident. Now, it is only a memory. I don’t feel strong emotions thinking about this experience anymore. 🙂

But what I have realized recently is that this experience really could lead to my fear of other children in the children club. The point I wanted to make is that my initial experience with the boy was unfortunately later confirmed over and over again by emotional or even physical bullying until high school, when at least the physical one finally disappeared…

Hello Helcat,

you should make your own phrases because only you know what exactly you feel. This is something the teacher taught me – there are some examples of the phrases, but you should come up with your own phrases which align with your real emotions connected to the problem you want to work on. I sometimes only tapped… I didn’t say anything but I focused deeply on the emotion. The most important thing is to really get into the moment, the emotions, some feelings in the body (it’s actually also a kind of meditation, mindfulness) and then tap.

Thank you for your support! ❤️