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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Helcat,
She is a good and smart girl. She recognizes the differences between me and my boyfriend. He taught her that she can be wild and fight with him when they play, but she tries to play more patiently and tenderly with me. She doesn’t pull me when we go for a walk because she knows that we usually have just a relaxing walk, but she pulls my boyfriend a lot because she gets over-excited with him. He always threatens her that he will buy her a choke chain collar because he gets so upset with her. I always tell him that this is an opportunity to practice patience and mindful breathing. 😄 I’ll check the harness you recommended for this situation.
But I was told that I need a collar, not harness, to have a better control over her head when she decides to lunge at something. We have a problem – cars. We live in the woods and there are no cars, just one or two passes by during the day, sometimes a tractor or a delivery van… So, she isn’t used to cars and she wants to chase them when we are somewhere near busier road. And it happened that she suddenly charged at a moving car, pulled me to the ground and literally dragged me into the road. So, my technigue now is that I hold her close to me by her collar to keep her from lunging. But she’s so excited that she bites my thigh instead. 😅 I would like to take her with me for a little shopping trip to a nearby town, but it is not possible this way. It is a very stressful trip near roads with her.
It is complicated with dogs. She doesn’t have good experiences. When she was a puppy, she wanted to play with dogs a lot. Unfortunately, we met many dogs that didn’t want to play and attacked her. She remembers and she doesn’t like dogs much. And it is true that many people here have ill-bred dogs, no care, no proper trainig, … She ignores people generally, but she doesn’t like it when strangers come closer to me. She is nervous and sometimes growls. She has probably some protective instinct with me, because she doesn’t behave this way when she is outside only with my boyfriend.
I don’t mind her mouthing my arm. It is actually cute. But I am not sure if it is okay to let her do it. (Again, she does it only to me)
Thank you for your tips. I’ll try them. 🙂
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Jana 🪷ParticipantI am very grateful for Buddhism, for meditation, for mindfulness, for this forum. It’s been almost a month since I wrote my first post here. I feel much better. I feel supported. Thank you a lot!
I am trying to make my mornings slower. I used to be very stressed even though there was no reason to be. I work from home. I have time. But I was really controlled by my energy habit. “Hurry, hurry!”
I spend first few minutes with our cat, doing my hygiene and drinking green tea. She doesn’t like being hugged much but she comes to watch me and when I sit peacefully with the tea she relaxes on my lap. I always try to be very mindful, focus on my body and mind, the taste of the tea and touch of her fur… I sometimes find it very difficult. My mind is like a monkey, jumping quickly from one thought to another. I still work on being more mindful in my daily life.
I like it when I forget myself and something happens to me. I stopped being mindful this morning and I accidently dropped our pets’ bowls with food… I took our dog for a walk, I stopped being mindful and I stumbled over a stone… It is like something calls me: “Hello! Get back. Be here and now.”
It is not easy. It actually requires a lot of mental energy to be mindful. But I like it. I still practice and I feel calmer, better, more stable… than a month ago.
I try to meditate every day 10 minutes. It is what I can do. After 10 minutes I usually feel very sleepy and I sometimes need to take a nap. I am not sure if this is desired. Maybe I should try to meditate at different time during my day. I usually meditate after lunch, in the early afternoon and maybe my body feels tired. I do the breathing meditation. I also try to meditate with some sounds, for example the Tibetan bowls, Buddhist bells, … I feel that I am actually better at meditation than mindfulness. 🙂 Mindfulness in daily life is harder for me. Probably too much distraction.
I play with our dog more. When it is possible, I go outside to play with her (both our cat and dog are outside all year round… they are so fluffy now with their winter coats 🥰) We play together for a few minutes every one or two hours. BUT she seems to be more dependent on me now. She jumps at me when I go home, she holds my arm in her mouth… She cries under the window if I am at home too long. (this is what she always did… but now it is more often.)
She is a German shepherd, the Czech working line. Simply, four-legged police officer… always on patrol, determined to guard and protect. When we go for a walk, no one and nothing is allowed to come near me. She is a sweetheart… but when a stranger or an animal is around and she doesn’t like them, she can turn into a pretty bad dog. And when a dog just dares to bark at me a little, she goes berserk.
Her breeder gave us some tips how to control her but I am quite small and she can easily drag me. Sometimes it is quite dangerous. So, I always take her to the woods and meadows here around our house, because we usually don’t meet anyone or any dogs there. But I would like to take her further from our house… I’ll see if I can try it on my own.
My partner is very busy. He gets up at 4:00 and works from 5:00 to 15:00 in pretty tough environment… sometimes he doesn’t get home untill 17:00 or later… He works in foundry. He is a manager of this foundry. Hard work – heat, unhealthy fumes, problems with managers, problems with workers… at least this foundry is not so dirty as the previous one he used to work in.
I was sad when he told me that his new position, for which he has worked really hard and done a lot of work for the company (by the way without any extra money) for more than two years, was rejected by his top managers in Switzerland. And the worst is the reason… They rejected him because he is Czech… not because he doesn’t have education, skills or practice, but because of his nationality… …. 🙁 … What can I say?
So, now he doesn’t have time to go with us – me and our dog. I hope that it will get better soon. This week he has been pretty tired but he has a holiday next week and I believe we will have more time for each other.
(continue later)
(Dec 5, 2024, 13:34)☀️ 🪷
Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Helcat and Anita,
thank you for your ideas, nice words and support.
Feel free to bring up any topics you like. I am open to any ideas and constructive criticism concerning my childhood or my personality. I take it as an opportunity to reflect upon myself and grow.
I have been thinking about the emotional detachment between children and parents recently and its impacts. I thought I could share my experience or rather develop what you know about me… but about my dad.
My dad was actually the one who was always fun to be with and he gave me a lot of love when I was a child. The problem was that he was very busy and most of the time he wasn’t around.
So, my mom was basically a single mother with four children. Imagine when I was 8, my younger brother was born, my sister was 12 and my older brother was 19. Four children at very different ages, at different stages of life, with different needs… And I must say (write) that my older siblings were no angels and they gave my parents pretty hard time. (Actually, they still do… alcohol, unemployement, debts, broken families… looong story)
Both of my parents were busy in their own way. My dad had to work hard to support six-member family. My mom was busy with the care for four very different children. They were also emotionally absent in their own way. My dad was all fun and jokes and he avoided problems and painful topics by belittling them in a funny way. (Or it is what I always thought – he was either gone or just made fun of everything… but it could be his way to deal with problems, to make the atmosphere a bit easier) My mom is a very moody person. She used to be nervous and grumpy all the time when we were children. (She had a lot of problems. I think it was too much for her.) When I tried to tell her about what hapenned to me or my social phobia, I always felt like I was bothering her terribly. And she either got mad at me (“Could you stop it?!” … “Could you just leave me alone for a while?!”) or ignored me (“No.” … “I don’t know.” … grumpy “Hmmm.”). Either way, no discussion, no understanding, no words of comfort from her.I learned that it was better to be quiet and fight my way through it all on my own… somehow. And I naturally detached from them both.This absence of love (dad at work all the time) and emotional detachment (mom’s nerves) affected me terribly, even though I thought I would never be like that. And I needed that love so badly. But suddenly from some point in my life, I couldn’t accept my dad’s affection… even though he really tried… and I think that I hurt him…
The truth is that he is the one with whom I have many good memories… memories of him trying to encourage and praise me (albeit in his clownish way), memories of nice words “It suits you.”, “You are smart.”, “my favourite daughter” … My mom never said anything like that. But I just wasn’t able to hear him… I stopped being receptive to him. And it is strange… I wrote it to you. I promised myself that I would never ever repeat their mistakes – inability to show love and communicate. However, in that stage of my life, even though I wanted to give love and I needed it badly, I couldn’t do that.
I remember when I moved away from my parents, I had to work hard as a waitress and a cleaning lady. At the same time I studied university and I took care of my granny because she couldn’t move (my dad’s mom). And I still suffered from social phobia even though I had been working on it. Quite tough time for me… He called me once if I could stop by to see him. I asked why and he answered “Because I miss you.” And it touched me, it really moved me… but I just stuttered something like: “Okay.” I wasn’t able to say the same to him…I think that I kind of started to be even scared of his love. I kept pushing him away. And later I had troubles to accept love from men. I got scared when somebody was interested in me. Honestly, if my partner hadn’t been so determined to get to know me and hadn’t invested a lot of energy to develop a relationship with me, I would have been single till today… I am happy that I have learned to accept love with my boyfriend and to communicate freely.It is true that there is still a kind of “program” in my head which turns on an alarm mode when my boyfriend needs to be intimate both emotionally or physically and gets a bit “needy” and “pushy”… (we’re working on it) I also don’t feel comfortable when he wants to buy something to me. We went shopping for Christmas last week and I was so hesitant to let him buy something to me. He had to persuade me. I don’t know why I feel uncomfortable when he wants to buy presents to me.I would like to write that today I have a nice relationship with my parents. We went through tough times but we managed to find the way to each other. My dad is still the one who gives me a kiss, strokes my hair and gives me some supportive words. My mom is better…still grumpy 😅 … But as you know from my first story, we clarified everything… And now we have the best relationship we’ve ever had together… but they both are still very worried because of my older siblings. It is very tough topic.
I’ll write more later today or tomorrow morning 🙂(Dec 5, 2024, at 7:18)
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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Anita,
“I am not alone in my struggles. Reaching out to supportive communities, like Tiny Buddha, and seeking validation from others who understand can provide comfort and encouragement. My experiences and feelings are valid, and I deserve support and understanding.”
That’s true. No doubt.
Of course, that your experiences and feelings are valid and you do deserve a support. I hope that you can feel it because you yourself are a big part of supportive atmosphere here on tiny buddha. But I also hope that you have enough support, understanding and love in your real life.
It is possible to go through hardships alone. I know it. But understanding, validation from others is needed too. That’s true. Without that, there is still a “void” somewhere inside.
I am a good listener (reader here… well, when I have breaks and can concentrate 🙂 ). But I am not such a good speaker (writer here). I wish we could meet and you can see my understanding and validation of your troubles and I could at least hold your hand for encouragement.
I am happy that you work hard and always remind yourself of eight noble path. I am working on them too. And it helps me a lot.
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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Anita,
thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. I hope that this sharing is helpful for you. I’ll come later when I have more time to think about what you shared. (I have difficulties reading long texts on the screen – I lose concentration and then I don’t get the point of the message correctly… And then I reply incorrectly and can cause more harm than good… it is not really the text… but the screen and light which distracts me.)
If you feel you would like to, you can add anything in the meantime.
I wish you a great and peaceful Sunday!
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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello EvFran!
You are very strong to deal with all these painful life situations.
My boyfriend is a cancer survivor. During his chemotherapy treatment, which was very hard for him (he was on chemo from the morning to the evening 8 days in hospital, then 2-3 days at home and again 8 days on chemo… I think he went through 5 or 6 cycles of this treatment and it was so radical that the chemo was literally killing him. He was like a zombie, unable to eat, move, think, depressed… but today we know that the doctors knew what they were doing…), he said that he wouldn’t continue the treatment because of the unbearable mental and physical pain he was going through. Luckily, he was visisted by a psychiatrist who was very compassionate, kind and educated enough to naturally convince him that it was worth figting for his future life. She knew exactly how to talk to these people.
I was wondering if in your country it is possible to get a good psychologist/psychiatrist who could help your uncle and you to go through this hard period of your lives. Do you have access to palliative care at home? In our country this care is partly paid by health insurances and public sources. They might be able to explain to your uncle all the things around the funeral etc. in compassionate and calm way and they could help you, too.
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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Anita,
very interesting points, as always. 🙂
“People who grew up in homes where love and affection were not openly expressed are likely to struggle to show love as adults because people often model the behaviors they observed at home.”
– I always told myself I would never ever follow this path. I knew and know that this is not healthy. I also think that I have always been a very happy and joyful person inside. I was damaged by the school system, bullying and absence of love and understanding as I mentioned in my first thread here on tinybuddha. I think that the crucial thing in my life is that I am really “different”… and it is negative because I feel that I don’t really fit in and I am sometimes a bit confused about myself, as you know. But it is also positive, because thanks to that I haven’t followed these wrong models of behaviour which I could/can see around myself. Maybe I was born with a good instinct which tells me that “No, no, this is not what you want or need… don’t repeat those mistakes.” I’ve always had this good light, voice inside.
It is also important to say that my parents are not abusers. They are a little bit cold, emotionally detached, they cannot speak about painful things, but they never hurt us on purpose. You and Helcat had much harder lives with your cruel parents. And I admire you for your strength and courage to resist them. Your lives were harder than mine. And honestly, with my oversensivity… If I had mothers like yours, my alcohol period would have been much longer, darker and god knows if I would have been able to stop it without professional help. (I used to misuse alcohol from cca 15 to 20 to numb my social phobia… than I drank occasionally but sometimes I fell into self-pity and drank to make myself “happier” or I used it to relax after hard day… now I have been teetotal for cca 2-3 years and I don’t plan to taste alcohol ever again.)
Thank you a lot! Later I’ll report on how I am doing with my promises to my loved ones. (my partner, dog and cat :-))
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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Anita,
You are brave to face her. You did a right thing – you protected yourself. And in the end you left her, which was a good decision. However, I can feel (and this is only my subjective feeling from the text) that you cannot leave her in your thoughts, let her go away from your life for good. Is it true?
Maybe you would like to explain it to me? Because with my lone wolf personality and tendencies to run away from bad people I would completely reject her and wouldn’t give her a space in my mind or heart. But I feel that she really hurt you so bad that it is very difficult to let her go. (?)
When you faced her, how did you feel? Was it liberating? Did you ever tell her how you feel/felt about her?
You don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to. I know this is a painful topic. And I respect it. I just don’t want you to let her hurt you again and again in your thoughts. She doesn’t deserve your attention, love or your life at all.
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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello EvFran,
did you give yourself enough time to process your loss, grieve and to relax after this hard time?
You are not judgemental but you do think about the meeting too much. And then we have tendency to see things which are not really there. You had great time together – you were glad to see each other, you laughed, chatted. I don’t see a problem with the doorbell or that he didn’t look at you often.
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Jana 🪷ParticipantYes, sure. Explain why you are sad and upset. We’ll get a bigger picture of your problem.
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Jana 🪷ParticipantThat’s great to read, Arie.
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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Anita and Helcat, you are very good psychologist. I must say. 🙂
You are right. I think that my mom was fighting these emotions – being overprotective, worried about me but at the same time she couldn’t support me or show me more love, affection because I could be the source of her feelings of guilt.
I am very glad to be freed from this inability to communicate and inability to love – to SHOW love to others… freed from this inability which is like a curse in our family for generations (my parents’ parents couldn’t show love, either.)
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Jana 🪷ParticipantToday I contacted an online addiction counselling center. I wanted to ask them if there was a way to persuade my older brother to start his treatment. He is an alcoholic. He got into a fight with his girlfriend (again) and has bruises on his face. He was depressed at work.
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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Elias,
you do not mention this, so I ask. Have you practiced doing music, too? Have you tried to get a rap teacher or learn some (new) rap techniques etc.? What exactly would you like to change? Then focus on that. Imagine that the Beatles practiced 8 hours 7 nights a week before they got really famous. The more you practice, the better you get.
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Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Anita,
“… being in the present (not distracted by thinking) brings me back to being a scared child. It’s the fear that fuels my escaping the present moment. Deep inside, I am still a scared child.”
I believe that this is a very important finding. Now, you have very specific feelings and you can work with them. This is really perfect for EFT. You don’t have to think about it, if you are not ready now, but in the future you can try to write down all the feelings and ask yourself “What is the reason I feel this?” and try to tap the feelings connected to the specific memories away. It does take time and it can be emotionally difficult, but it really works.
Hanh also has his “therapy”. When a fear comes, he suggests to tell yourself: “Hello my fear, I am here and I’ll take care of you.” I understand this that we have to accept our fear, it is a part of us, and we should try to offer peace and comfort to our fear. By acceppting the fear, it becomes smaller… but it is quite difficult with strong fears. Mindfulness and meditation can raise many questions in us. Buddhist monks on youtube are a bit obscure and vague about HOW exactly work with these emotions.
Sometimes when I feel fear or I am unsure of myself, I imagine myself as a little girl, the scared child (yes, I have her in myself, too.) and I hold her and kiss her and tell her something sweet and nice in my head… when nobody supported me, loved me when I was a child, I do it now by myself. I have a picture of me when I was about 5 and when I have these bad feelings, it helps me to look at me in the picture and I smile and accept (her) myself.
What also helps me now is that I have someone who respects me and loves me the way I am. I am trying to shift my focus from those who didn’t give me love in the past (or now) to those who give it to me. I was wondering if your husband can be this support and love to you now? I remember you wrote that you used to see a therapist. Do you still see him/her? And can your husband go there, too, as your support? I mean, you can do it on your own! You are strong and smart to do so, but sometimes it feels better when there is someone who supports us on our way to healing.
By the way, did you enjoy Thanksgiving Day? Do you have some traditions you follow on this day? 🙂 I’ve always been interested in American culture.
J.
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