Hello Anita,

I do find myself as the one who has a different opinion, but I don’t have the urge to say it whatever it costs… without thinking about the consequences. The fact is that I am so slow that it might not be even possible to be aggressive. I mean it seems to me that confrontational people are quite hot-tempered, fire-like personalities… exact opposites of me. And that’s also why they hate me.

I agree that it can be a result of frustration or stress, too. But I was always submissive, maybe you remember… and in very unhealthy way… a submissive escapist, avoiding a conflict… rather completely isolated than confrontational. It is not good, either. I know. That’s why I’m on my way to self-compassion and hope to find healthy assertiveness.

I know people who are dominant but with the need to be protective. I feel better with them. But they can be unhealthy in relationships too when they become too controlling.

📔 It is February 24, 2025, at 15:08

I spent the weekend with my dog ​​outside in the meadows and woods. This was a great opportunity to connect with my inner child.

I sometimes have feelings that I was an animal in my previous life. I don’t know why, but I remember contemplating this as a child, too. I feel much more connected to nature and animals than to people…

I had a very peaceful time. So, inviting my inner child to me was not painful. It was my moment of the “return to innocence”. I tried to remember some events when I needed to escape into nature as a child…for example, when I skipped lessons… I didn’t experience any strong emotions, which made me feel balanced. I told her/myself: “It was the best thing you could do at that time when you were left alone at the mercy of terrible fear.”

Today I know, understand and accept that this fear was not unfounded… as I was told… And as I believed for very long time…

I also thought about my parents as children, which helped me feel deep compassion for them. I had great grandmothers, but I remember very well the moments when I was surprised by how cold and critical they were towards their children (my parents)… the difference between the roles… the role of a good loving grandmother and the role of a strict dismissive mother was so prominent… I remember that I used to like asking my grannies about my parents. What were they like as children and so on… And while my dad’s mom liked to go on and on about how he was naughty and what else was left for her to do but spank him, my mom’s mom pretended she didn’t hear me and tactfully changed the subject. … ☹️

I had to send my parents a GIF on whatsapp with a lot of hearts. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

And I was thinking that our dog used to be a puppy, too… and she didn’t have an easy “puppyhood”, either. She used to be a very scared puppy. But we are “good girls” today. 😊

Hello Anita,

At this moment, I am feeling my inner child’s pain— her acute sadness, loneliness, and craving for what others have: healthy connections and joy, which I don’t have. Notice that I wrote “I don’t have” in the present tense. The inner child is a core part of me, a foundational part, and her past experiences are felt as though they are present and always have been. This is who I am, and referencing Thich Nhat Hanh’s words, I can’t avoid myself. I can’t run away from myself. I can’t keep myself buried deep inside, (away from the misguided part of me that thinks or thought that life without.. me is doable or sensible.

I hope that socializing yesterday helped you to overcome these feelings. ☀️ I believe that it is important to write, talk and discuss about this, but we also need to put the effort into practice to achieve the changes, to be able to feel the changes.

I have a free relaxing weekend, so I can try to work on my connection with little Jana. Thank you for encouragement!

I am sure it will help me, Anita. I’ll come back on Monday and read your advice on PC to give it more attention. (There is one post in my other thread waiting for moderation from this morning)

I hope you are going to have a great weekend. Do you have any plans? 😊

📔 it is February 21, 2025, 15:05

I was thinking about what I consume.

I think my diet is quite good. However, I sometimes eat little during the day and in the late afternoon I tend to eat more and then have troubles with my stomach. I need to become more mindful about this. I am working on eating more slowly and mindfully. And I eat at the table – no TV, no computer… I am happy that we started to eat lunch together in our dining room without TV at the weekends. But we still eat dinner and watch TV – it is a kind of ritual for us.

I don’t use social media. I tried FB but I think my account will stay inactive. It’s not my cup of tea. I don’t like the atmosphere. I am careful about what I am watching on youtube and pinterest. I watch channels such as elephantnews, trail cameras from different countries, Plum Village, BuddhisminEnglish and some channels about nature, for example BBC. Pinterest is fine. Its ad policy isn’t so aggressive and when you search pictures of nature, animals, buddhism, the algorithm gives you a lot of beautiful inspiration.

As for my thinking, I’ve made great headway since I started visiting this forum. I still have a lot to work on, but important is that I feel motivated and determined to continue in my personal/spiritual development whatever hardship is waiting for me.

My inner child is still so vulnerable…