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helleiaParticipant
Thank you both for your responses.
Inky, I’m curious, what sorts of treasures did you create out of organizing a Library? Also thank you for the encouragement. The way I try to control my addiction is to only choose what I expose myself to. For example, I unfollowed everyone on my friend’s list on Facebook (I did not unfriend them, only unfollowed so that I wouldn’t see anything on the newsfeed). Instead, when I want to hear about a specific person, I go to their profile page. It helps so much and my mind feels clearer. Besides, you really only need to know about a few people. As for shows, I still end up doing marathons but I think it’s okay because it’s more progress for me than when it’s random internet stuff. I still value sleep and food above all!
About not seeking to hang out with people because I “should”, yes, I actually hear that advice from several people. I also sometimes hear the opposite advice “being grateful for what you have”. I mean, I could definitely appreciate who does surround me at the moment, even if I am unable to be my purest self around them. I’ll just appreciate that at least I have people who are nice, caring, and friendly. It doesn’t really go farther than that, usually, but that’s okay. I’ll still continue exposing myself to new places where I think I’ll find my tribe. It’d be difficult though to really predict that. Sometimes, I also have to look out for the unexpected.
Anita, I suppose I’m ready to hear that, although your warning about it being distressing made me a bit nervous. Would I feel more distressed than I already am now?
I think you also asked more about my childhood trauma in the other thread. There are so many angles I can start from and it may take very long. Maybe I should take it one step at a time. I guess the first thing I can reveal is my explanation for what happened. It’s my subjective explanation, so I may or may not be correct. I’ve attended an All-Girls School. My “trauma” started in 5th grade. I feel as if most people have started puberty earlier than me. Kids my age were starting to show little signs of thinking like a teenager. I still felt very childish back then. I would still cry loudly in front of other people. People described me as “may sariling mundo”. The rough translation from my language is that they think I’m living in an isolated bubble inside my head, living in “my own world”. That does connote stuff like being disconnected from people, outcasted, seen as abnormal, etc.
There was also a language barrier. I was more of an English-speaker. Sometimes they’d copy me in a mocking way. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand Tagalog. And English was the dominant language in the curriculum. Maybe this was only a secondary reason I didn’t relate much with them. Because I can understand both languages. It should have more to do with my personality than with the languages, although it may exacerbate differences a bit.
Speaking of language barriers, the scenario is different in college. Most people in my college speak English more often. But it’s not as simple as that. I often feel like people speak in code when they talk about stuff with their friends. It depends on the situation, but when they talk about cultural references, there would be times I don’t get it. Spending the greater part of my teenage life as a loner, I probably didn’t pick up on a lot of social cues. I would definitely say I am not just awkward, but INEPT.
There were lots of changes in me throughout the last decade. I am proud of my healing process. I am able to speak to strangers if there is a reason for me to do so (processing paperwork, commuting, ordering food, or if I am in a social event wherein I can actually relate to the topic-at-hand). That’s a HUGE step for me. Doing normal things for me is like leveling-up. It’s as if I had a lower base level and had to work to get to the “normal level” of socializing. I assure you, it was much worse before. To the point where I was even scared of my own older siblings (8 year age gap from the youngest older sibling. I am the youngest in the family). But now, glad to say that I became close with one of them, and freely talk normally to the other two.
Moving to college exposed me to diversity, people who are more mature and less judgmental, etc. However, I still feel inferior because of the gap between my highschool and college. The highschool is not one of the top schools. The college is. There’s a gap in terms of the academics and the activities and social capital between the two environments. It’s very easy to feel inferior here and thus I once again have to work harder at things other people take for granted.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by helleia.
helleiaParticipantAnita:
I’ve only recently started psychotherapy (late last year). I know I should have gone when I was much younger, but it was only in college when there was actually a research organization within the school that gave free psychotherapy. I find them to be much more professional than the Guidance office in our college. But I think I should have at least visited the Guidance office when I was in elementary until highschool. But it didn’t cross my mind back then.
I’m from a country in Southeast Asia so I guess this wasn’t a very common way to solve problems, so my parents never suggested it to me and just assumed I would outgrow my shyness.
I’ll post more in my other thread. Thank you so much for your genuine interest.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by helleia.
helleiaParticipantJust a sidenote, I often wonder if I’m surrounded by shallow people or if I’m the one who’s shallow and judgmental.
Chatting on facebook with my real life friends, feels inadequate a lot of the time. Many are too “busy”, disappear without any sign of respect, or are just too lazy to share elaborate insights compared to forum-goers.
But then again, in real life, I’m not so good at socializing with them either…
Then again, it’s also because I did not find the people who I really feel like I belong with…
And I don’t really have a best friend or a kind of permanent group or circle.
I guess the problem really lies with me. I just don’t know why I find it so hard.
helleiaParticipantI think the better way to describe it, rather than “inspirational”, is MATURING.
I mean, it’s kind of weird, but sometimes movies with tragic stories, even though they’re not exactly “feel-good”, give you a lens in which you seem to be more at peace with how the world is… Just the way it is.
Or is that effect unique to me? -_-
helleiaParticipantI’ve had a similar experience emotion-wise. I mean, I didn’t have a relationship with this person, but it got close to that.
I’m still at the point where I want to know why the person is like that, but I’ve accepted that I’ll never get the answer from him. However, it would be nice if we can hear the viewpoints of similar people, such as a guy that is similar to the guy that you’ve been talking about. Sometimes I think about asking about my guy with people who also knew him. Sometimes they don’t know that much, and sometimes they’ve seen other sides, and it makes me think “no fair! I wanted it to be as simple as that!”Seriously, is there no one, no one at all, that posted an article here or there somewhere that explains the behavior of PEOPLE LIKE THAT?
At least I no longer and will not, ever, allow myself to message him. He’s actually a lot more silent than I, anyway, so it would only make a fool of myself. I’ve only ever sent messages with good-intent, but he’d only sporadically reciprocate and confuse me, occasionally being mean, and dodging questions, while getting information out of me. There were times when he was nice. And I feel stupid to have fallen in love with him of all people. And I wonder if he feels the same way about me. That he also felt stupid for ever considering giving attention to the likes of me.helleiaParticipantOh, I skimmed this thread a bit (but I still don’t have the energy to read it completely right now). It makes me curious about you and what you do in your life? It made me imagine what would be my life like if I was more like you?
You see, I used to really do nothing worthwhile except browse the internet and play video games. Of course, those activities aren’t completely worthless in themselves. I’ve learned a lot and I can appreciate games as an art (The best ones have narratives and beautiful worlds and not mindless points systems).
However, I am in college now. I can’t go back living the way I used to. Nor do I wish to. It’s a completely unbalanced way of living. I guess that’s why I have a bit of confusion when it comes to participating in a forum such as this. It’s still the internet. It’s still not completely balanced. So I pretty much cut-off a lot of extra stimuli. However, still, I end up yearning.
Now I’m just trying something else right now. Maybe it’s not that I have to cut-off stimuli. Maybe it’s that I need to be engaged in something worthwhile. But as I said, I’m not sure whether to consider this worthwhile. However, I do know that when you are exposed to positive people, you end up becoming more positive as well. Also, if you try to help others, you are able, somehow, to help yourself.
So maybe it’s still better than other forums. I mean, it’s a case to case basis. Is it good for me? Is it only good for other people?
I guess part of my confusion stems from the fact that I try to copy other people. My peers don’t use forums… And then I guess I get confused. Do I really want to spend a lot of time on forums? I wanted to catch up on books, films, social issues and current events because I’m really behind on those things. And I really do enjoy them. But I crave belonging and sometimes I get restless even in the midst of a good film or book.
Honestly, I know I’ll be much more at peace if I just finish my homework. I have fun doing schoolwork too. I like what I read, but it has the same problem as when I watch films or read for leisure. Sometimes I feel like I have ADD. But the only reason I don’t tune-in or listen or progress smoothly at my reading sometimes is because I’m too preoccupied about things that are more…well…about me and my current concerns. I guess that’s natural? But it’s become so chronic that it disrupts “normal life”.
I don’t know if it’s really ADD or if it’s just because I’m troubled by something, and once I am not troubled anymore and fix this “dissonance” with my self-concept and the actual organization of my life, then maybe I won’t have so much trouble concentrating anymore.
There are periods of HYPERFOCUS such as when I’m writing. How can that be ADD? (Although the hyperfocus comes with drained energy, tense-ness, and whatnot. Like I’m too absorbed already, or my thinking tends to be obsessive).
I still get high test scores and have great memory at times.
And I guess I didn’t have this when I was a kid (the days BEFORE THE TRAUMA).
And, of course, there are times when I’m really fast and efficient at doing the things I enjoy as well as my responsibilites. No distractions. No sudden onset of desperation or confusion.But it really depends…
I get stressed because of this…helleiaParticipantDear Anita,
I can’t reply so well right now. Normally I would read all the posts in this thread first and think carefully about what I would say.
This is my first post. Right now, I came here out of desperation. The gist is that I don’t know where I belong. I had trouble not only finding a place to belong offline, but also online. My family is okay, but doesn’t satisfy me. I have social anxiety also.
I posted on a social anxiety forum only to be slightly discouraged because I really don’t expect much from online communities. It seems that most people are lazy to read and write lengthier things over there. Is it okay to link to my post outside of this forum?
I have had a lot of progress since I first had social anxiety (it was triggered 10 years ago when I was bullied). I’m tired right now to expound, but I guess it’s because I overworked myself writing and searching for forums for half of the day. But basically I’ve made progress, and I’m happy at times. But there are times, just like now, when I’m back to old habits, doing “unnecessary things”, distracted from my work and feeling “desperate” to find something, anything.
I did start the day peacefully. I was doing my homework. Though I’m kind of use to the pattern that comes up after I’ve progressed a bit with my work. I end up feeling really unmotivated and confused like I don’t know what to do with my life.
When I start describing my situation to anyone, whether written or in-person, it often does get complicated and I give myself and other people headaches.
I’ve been familiar with TinyBuddha for a while. I usually just do a google search of my current concern and then usually find an article from here. I never went on the forums, though. Maybe this is what I need?
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