Hi Henry

Have you tried practicing mindfulness or meditation before? Since you seem to have some difficulties focusing on the present, it may be helpful for you to practice.

I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your previous relationships.

It makes sense that you would still be preoccupied in the 2nd relationship because there wasn’t a gap between partners. You didn’t process your emotions with the first break up before dating.

But you are still reminiscing about past relationships now. Do you feel like you have emotionally processed the breakups?

Some part of you feels like there may be a chance of getting back together. I’ve always found it helpful to have a rule of no backsies. It helps me to emotionally disconnect from the past.

Both times, the relationship ending hasn’t been your choice. How did that feel for you? Do you worry at all about your current relationship ending?

Is your partner anorexic, or skinny with an unhealthy weight? Or is your partner skinny but of a healthy weight? If it’s the latter, I wouldn’t recommend that she changes her eating habits and gains weight.

Have you considered purchasing lingerie for her? Would she find that acceptable? There are some kinds that enhance the bust.

I guess that weight wise, I have found that physical attraction can fluctuate in relationships. But I value the connection with my partner more than that and am attracted to my partner in other ways. It didn’t stop us from having sex or impact enjoyment. I just focused on other things.

Do you feel emotionally intimate with your partner? Do you have a strong emotional connection and attachment?

I feel like weight is a very personal and touchy subject. I’ve never broached it with my partner. We’ve always been body positive and let each other figure things out for ourselves. Weight does fluctuate over the course of a lifetime, people can be skinny, overweight and everything in between at different stages in life.

I would also say that there are people who I haven’t been attracted to and tried to date them at their request and it didn’t go very well.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Henry

I hope it’s okay if I call you Henry?

Would you like to talk a little more about how these broken engagements happened? It’s okay if you don’t, I understand that these things are painful. Sometimes insights can be found in the details.

It makes sense that these past difficulties are affecting your current relationship. In different ways we are all affected by our past relationships. I think you’re very brave and self-aware for wanting to work on these issues to overcome the difficulties with commitment.

In what way don’t your personal preferences align with your partners in regards to intimacy? I’m sorry for asking for more information. It could just be helpful to have a little more context.

I would agree that attraction and intimacy are important parts of a relationship. Do you feel attracted to your partner and vice versa?

I feel like communication is very helpful with intimacy. Different things feel good to different people and what may work for one partner may not work for another. I found talking about these things very helpful with my partner. It helps for both partners to be open and willing to take guidance. I would say that there is no place for negativity in communication about intimacy though. No one wants to feel hurt. Keeping communication short and sweet works for us. Practical directions are helpful. And it can be good to do research online for new things to try. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend doing things that either partner is uncomfortable with.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Eva

It sounds like you’re reminiscing because he is moving states and you will miss him. Missing him is okay, you raised a child together. These are just nostalgic memories though. He is a married man and hasn’t been yours in a long time.

Perhaps a healthier line of thought would be to consider where your past relationships went wrong in a bit more detail and consider what you do and don’t want in a partner, if you do still want one.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Alex

I appreciate your kind reply, I think that shows your good character.

I don’t think that you are deeply flawed. Just the regular human kind of flawed. Thank you for sharing some more context. I’m so sorry for the difficulties that you’ve experienced. Your sexual assault as a child, the loss of your firstborn, divorces and one of your sons moving away from you. You’ve had a lot of painful experiences that you don’t deserve in the slightest and all of these traumas take a toll. It’s not your fault. It’s a very human reaction to trauma.

I had one thing in mind, which I forgot to add previously. What if, the situation is just that bad? Sometimes people say bad things about people for a reason, when they’ve been seriously hurt by them.

I see what you mean when you mention two personalities.

On the one hand, she admits to using people for sex. On the other, she says that she’s been in love with loads of people and is incapable of having casual sex. The latter part isn’t really true. Maybe she doesn’t want to have casual sex anymore. But she definitely had casual sex in the past to sleep with 80 people.

The numbers alone don’t make sense. She would either be in open relationships, sleeping with multiple people. Or cheating on her partners constantly. I’m curious which it is?

I honestly share your concerns with compatibility. She is a very complicated person with some deep issues.

I’m glad that you have some good experiences together as well as the bad.

I guess, when I think of responsibility and commitment. I don’t think of a giant price tag. When I think of that much money, only individuals with very specialised skills in a high paying managerial job are considered. Which tells me in line with what you are saying about her expensive tastes. She was looking to date someone who could support her lifestyle.

When I think of responsibility and commitment, I think of marriage, children, a retirement plan, savings for retirement. But I’m just a regular person. I don’t have expensive tastes and grew up quite poor.

I think it’s incredible that you both managed to build strong careers.

I just want to be clear that I don’t think that all of your concerns are related to anxiety. There are some very real concerns.

It seems like you’ve found yourself entangled in a complicated relationship in a very short space of time. It sounds like a bit of an emotional rollercoaster with highs and lows.

I wish you the best of luck figuring things out either way. You have a kind heart with good intentions. Your extra context shows that you are just trying to protect yourself which is honestly fair and a good thing to do.

The difficulty with depression and anxiety sometimes is that our mind lies to us. Sometimes it encourages us to make choices that make us unhappy. I don’t think that you deserve any unhappiness. You’ve already suffered too much in your life.

I have concerns about her ability to change in a reasonable timeframe. Especially with habits of denial. These things take a lot of honesty.

It seems to me there is potentially another diagnosis in play outside of ADHD. That is a very real possibility for her to have more than one condition. Perhaps seeking a diagnosis and treatment for mental health would help her?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Alex

I would argue that she’s probably never experienced love before unless she’s managed to sustain a long term relationship? She has been used for sex. People likely ultimately reject her because of her unique choices in life. I think that she protects her heart for this reason. A lot of people do, you have only been together for 7 months. She is waiting for you to leave, but hoping you don’t as she wishes to marry you.

I would bear in mind that you are the one considering leaving. She isn’t, she is aware of her faults and that there is no way she could get married if she left when problems occur. A chance to get married is rare for her. She is more invested than you are, but hiding her heart very well as she prepares for the relationship ending because you are unhappy.

That you have experienced so much with her in such a short time was probably a draw for you as you felt that your experiences were lacking.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

I also think individual therapy would be a good idea for your girlfriend. She is looking to get married at some point, she might need some help from a professional in order to achieve this goal.