Hi Birdsong

It is still very difficult raising a child with a partner with severe health issues.

I have a health condition and even though the baby and I survived without complications it is still a massive set back for me health wise. I couldn’t walk in the last month of the pregnancy and I’m only just starting to get back into a semblance of my usual routine months later. It’s been a massive set back. I’ve had to quit my job as well.

You have to stop medication that manages health conditions to have a child because a lot of it can affect the baby. Breastfeeding, you can’t really take medicine either. In fact for the next year after, there are only certain medications that you can take because there is an increase risk of stroke after having a baby.

Not to mention, for someone who could potentially be extremely disabled in their 40s. It’s really difficult to raise a child and care for a partner at the same time. Pretty depressing for the whole family. I wouldn’t recommend it. I have a family member that tried it and they’re all miserable as she slowly dies. Fortunately, my condition isn’t life threatening. But still our pregnancy was unplanned.

Unless you’re wealthy and can afford to hire a lot of help or your parents basically raise the child for you. And that’s if your partner doesn’t die during childbirth.

Since there’s not a lot of information available for her unique presentation of ataxia your partner would have to make enquiries about her future with medical staff who care for similar patients. Maybe they would know of outcomes for similar patients? Perhaps the family have already made these enquiries?

Love and best wishes ❤️🙏

Hi Birdsong

I’m sorry to hear that your girlfriend has ataxia. I had a look online and it is quite a serious condition. You are right to not take it lightly. I think that you’re a wonderful soul for supporting her and being open to navigating the difficulties of her condition. She must be a very special person! You clearly love her a lot. 😊

I wonder if you spoke to your girlfriend about this? Does she have any opinions?

I think you did a really good job of explaining things here but I don’t know how it would go over with Asian parents.

It might be worth going into a similar level of detail about her condition as to here because looking online is quite alarmist. There is a lot of variability in life expectancy for the condition. Some are wheelchair bound or die very young. Some fair a lot better and live into 50s and 60s. So really it is a case of discussing her particular difficulties and concerns as opposed to leaving it to the imagination which might cause you some trouble if they mistakenly believe she could be in the worst case situation and she’s not (hopefully). I think being realistic and practical about the future like you are is a good idea. Well done on being so mature.

I would add that it might be a painful topic for your girlfriend to discuss. It is not just a concern or a health condition. It is her life and future. These things are can be quite scary. I wonder if it would be okay to ask your partner if it would be okay to get more information about her condition from her parents purely so she doesn’t have to feel distressed about discussing the condition? Or perhaps your parents could ask her parents about more information about the condition? I’m not sure what is culturally appropriate?

Whilst you are not planning on leaving her. I’m sure that the idea of being rejected by partners because of her condition has been a serious worry over her life.

I hope that your parents would not try and discuss the condition with her personally either?

If she isn’t willing to discuss her condition I would respect that request. You can learn a lot about someone’s difficulties by paying attention over time. You will learn in time regardless and your girlfriend cannot predict her own future. But the less stress she experiences the better off she will be.

As for adapting to difficult circumstances. Everyone experiences difficulties in some shape or form. It is impossible to prepare fully. All you can do is the best you can. Doing your best will always be enough. It is all anyone can do!

That you have such love for her and a wonderful kind heart. I think that is the most important thing of all. That is all anyone asks for, to be treat with respect and compassion.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Renn

I’m sorry to hear that you had an argument with your boyfriend because he called you stupid and childish. Well done on standing up for yourself. It’s good to see that when you feel he goes too far you don’t back down. I know it sucks having disagreements though. Has there been a resolution to the argument yet?

I’m sorry that he said you aren’t friends. I imagine that hurt you? I know that I would be hurt by that. I think friendship is really important in a relationship.

You are right, it sounds like he cares about you taking care about yourself when you are stressed but he goes about it in the wrong way. It’s not very helpful for someone who is already stressed for someone to make negative comments like that. I don’t think you’re stupid or childish. It sounds like he doesn’t understand anxiety. I get the same thing and stop eating when I’m stressed. It’s not a good habit though and it is important to try to eat even when we don’t want to. It can actually help to balance mood by increasing your blood sugar. If you don’t feel like eating something, try sucking on a sweet or a tablespoon of honey and see if that helps.

Personally, I think that listening to the heart is more important than the head. But I will say that it doesn’t just mean how you feel about the relationship it includes how you feel about yourself. How the relationship makes you feel about yourself is the most telling thing.

Another thing that helps me to decide is, does how I feel right now in disagreements match how I feel and know my partner to be on a regular basis? I have trauma so that makes me feel a lot worse than I should during disagreements.

I see, that would be difficult being in a long distance relationship with someone who is jealous. I would imagine that the distance would make him feel more jealous and insecure instead of less.

It is sad letting go of someone you love because things aren’t a good fit. But the pain doesn’t last forever and there are other people more suitable to love who can also reciprocate those feelings in healthy ways. I guess I think protecting yourself and loving yourself is more important than loving someone else. It is hard to love yourself if you put your needs below someone else. Things need to be equal. Do you feel that he loves you as much as you love him?

You mentioned that you convince yourself of things. What kinds of things do you convince yourself of?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Seaturtle

That’s very kind of you to say. It’s lovely to see you around again. I really enjoy speaking with you. ❤️

You know what, they said that to be cruel. To try to stifle your light. F that! Pardon my French. 😂

There are people in life who just become part of the cycle of generational trauma and there are people who choose to heal, grow past it and find their own way. I can tell that you are the latter. I think that is really special. My therapist said is actually a rare quality.

I also find it helpful to reflect on nice things that I’m told by people.

I think that sometimes the people we care about have the potential to cause the most pain. There is an implicit level of trust and respect that elevates their opinions. And people with empathy listen and reflect, wondering if that person was right when we are told something cruel. Particularly so, when there is underlying trauma that the message aligns with.

I also feel like it’s much easier to be hurt by someone we trust and care about sometimes. There is an expectation of care. Whereas with a stranger there is no expectation, no attachment. When a relationship is generally good and a person tries we can forgive and move on. But when a relationship isn’t so healthy that’s when there can be difficulties with self esteem.

It can also be difficult to maintain relationships with people who have caused a lot of trauma even when the relationship improves, especially if they make the odd comment that brings up old trauma. I used to wonder why my therapist recommended that I didn’t see my adopted mother. Now, I understand. It is possible to maintain those relationships don’t get me wrong. But a lot of space is needed and maintaining contact is a sacrifice emotionally.

Sometimes people are right in their feedback, sometimes people are wrong. My husband says a broken watch can be right twice a day, but you don’t tell the time by it. I think it’s important to use your judgment to see if you think something is right or not.

Please forgive my rambling. I think my mind is shutting down for the night!

Congratulations on your new milestone! Getting rid of photos and things that remind you of the relationship and feeling better. I’m glad that it feels right for you! If thoughts of the relationship arise again it is not a bad thing. It is just a thing thing. These things come and go. It’s not pleasant to feel pain, but sometimes when we resist something we give it a lot of importance in our mind. The more painful, the more “important”, the more likely thoughts are to reoccur. I don’t know if you felt like you were thinking about the relationship when you didn’t want to?

I do love finding communities of kind people. I couldn’t agree more! I also find that people who walk their dogs are especially kind. And also elderly people are very cut and dry in who they are. You quickly find out if they fall into the extremely kind category or the cranky one. I’m glad that you have a safe space. That is so important and so healing. ❤️

While I was reflecting on the specialness of Seaturtle it made me realise that the name is so apt!

Always eager to hear your thoughts!

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Renn

I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend is extremely jealous, moody and judgemental. It’s going to hear that he is funny and generally kind.

Do you think that he is a net positive or negative in your life? My view is that relationships should enhance your life. If the relationship is consistently making you unhappy that is a bad thing. If it’s an occasional thing, well couples argue.

Attempting to change someone would be a bad thing. But relationships do involve communicating boundaries and finding a compromise.

We all have problems, unhealthy behaviours are normalised and permeate society. But what is important is if you communicate a problem, do they try to work on the things that you ask? Have you tried talking to him about any of this? I imagine it is difficult because you mentioned he can be moody and this dissuades you from talking about things. It might still be important to try if you haven’t already.

You are young and it is okay if you don’t feel like you are compatible. There are going to be plenty more opportunities for both of you out there. You don’t have to force it, sometimes you can care for someone and even love them and they can still be the wrong person for you.

What do your feelings tell you? The most important thing is to listen to yourself. Quite often people already know how they feel.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

I’m glad to hear that you feel comforted by the messages you receive. 😊

You can change being judgemental towards yourself and others, by practising giving yourself and others a little credit. It is not all of the time you see. It is not always easy to read such truths about yourself. But you have handled it with kindness. Another credit to you!

It is not your fault. These things tend to start in childhood. Anita shared from your old thread that you had a difficult childhood. I’m sure you know that children are like sponges and the environment they grow up in is really important for their development in so many ways. The voices of our parents tend to get mixed in with everything else and become part of our thoughts. This is why spending time with good people is so important. Everyone rubs off on us. We need to replace those old unhealthy messages from difficult times with good healthy messages.

Neuroplasticity is really helpful that way. We can train our minds slowly over time to think in certain ways if we practice regularly.

I’m sorry to hear that you are in pain up to your eyeballs every day. That must be really hard, especially when you have a physical job. It may interested you to know that there are links between anxiety and pain. Pain makes us more anxious and anxiety increases pain sensitivity. Yoga sounds like a very good choice to practice as it manages both pain and anxiety. I wish you good luck with it! I’m glad that you are making an effort to rest when you get back from work. It really is essential. ❤️

I’m glad that you’ve enjoyed a wonderful life raising your family. It does sound hard with one leaving home and the other one not far behind. Them not needing you as much anymore. And teenagers have famously awful moods. Have you been dealing with difficulties like this?

When it comes to your family, what does the catastrophising tell you?

This period doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You get some much needed time to yourself again. Some of which you can explore with your wife, I have heard people say it’s like getting to know each other again. I almost feel like after having children that you have to act in certain ways for the children because they pick up so much. I feel like it could be easy to lose sight of yourself and each other doing that over time.

My sister is a very passionate person too. I enjoy that trait in people! The difficulty is that no one can fix another person. They have to learn how to fix themselves. This is why changing our own beliefs about things that hold us back is so important.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

I appreciate the difficulties with consistency with ADHD. You could plan to be inconsistent. Maybe you could reflect when you get home from work or any time you choose, you could even set an alarm to remind you. What would help me feel better right now? You have read lots of ideas in self-help books. Take a moment to try something. Note if it works, if it makes you feel a little better or a lot better, or if it doesn’t work. It doesn’t have to be the same thing every time.

I wonder if you are in physical pain? Being a chef is a hard job, I know people in their 20s trying to get out of it. Its impressive that you’re doing it in your 50s. I would imagine that it is starting to be uncomfortable. I’m sure that you could keep going for a while. But as you get older it will get worse. Have you thought about what you want to do for work in the future? It would be good to start planning something for your future that is sustainable and doesn’t leave you in a lot of pain.

I think that we have all had dreams of running away to a monastery. I think that is why holidays are appealing. You leave all of your problems behind at home temporarily. I don’t think that running away to a monastery would necessarily be helpful. Just putting off problems until later.

Another difficulty is facing the world as a man. Men do not get a lot of support. I think that it’s amazing that you’re learning all you can about how to manage your difficulties. That you’ve had counselling and that you are reaching out to people here. You deserve support! Please feel free to discuss anything you choose.

Another thing that I thought of as a barber is that you helped many people to change their lives. People get haircuts for job interviews all of the time and people are judged on their appearance in the first 30 seconds.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏