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Hi Arie
Can you tell me how you feel when you are alone, without a partner? When was the first time you remember feeling afraid of being alone?
Ultimately, our partners are responsible for their own poor behaviour. However, we are responsible for selecting and setting boundaries with our partners. You have a habit of being extremely vulnerable and not protecting yourself enough when dating.
There and some bad people in the world, there are some good people in the world and there are many people who fall somewhere in the middle. It can take a long time and meeting many people to find a suitable partner.
The many people with bad behaviours are why it is important to be discerning and protect yourself when dating. The process of dating itself can slowly reveal an individual’s flaws. It is very easy for someone to pretend to be a good person for a small amount of time. People have more difficulty sustaining this over longer periods. The initial period of good behaviour also has the effect of creating caring feelings for the individual. This is beneficial for them as it makes you reluctant to leave the relationship when people treat you poorly. An open minded yet cynical approach to new relationships offers a lot of protection, should bad behaviour be revealed in the future. Which is why people have recommended that you guard your feelings and take new relationships more slowly.
If I were you I would be wary of any partners that encouraged you to emotionally attach very quickly. Whilst they might be kinder, there is a concern with dating younger men. They may be fine with dating you, but less interested in committing. At the end of the day, once their fun dating lifestyles are over they may have a desire to settle down and start a family. Young people may often deny this inevitable future in order to have fun dating you. On the other hand there are some individuals who may never want to have children.
Hi Arie
I’m very sorry for the pain you are going through. It might not seem like it right now, but this might be for the best. As he is a person who I would imagine regularly drops out of contact continuing this relationship would have been challenging. Someone who is able to be present would be a better fit.
It is a shame because it almost sounds like two different relationships. One where he was present and attentive. Another, where he drops out of contact with you, is depressed and grumpy when you do speak.
It is understandable to grieve the loss if the good parts of the relationship. I hope you are taking extra care of yourself during this difficult time?
Do you have any fears regarding being single? Or related to dating?
Thank you for your feedback. I’m sorry for the difficulties you experienced as a child. I’m glad you are in less pain now as an adult.
Fortunately, I haven’t been in contact with my mother since I was a teenager.
It seems the journey recovering from trauma is never ending. There is always more work to be done!
I wouldn’t say my experience as an adult is exactly the same as childhood, though there are still some adverse affects. Thankfully, my therapist helped me deal with a lot of the emotional pain and break the cycle of re-experiencing that abuse. What I experience now is a fraction of what I experienced as a child.
I’ve known that my mother didn’t love myself or my brother since I was a young child. I quickly realised that our home life was very different from others and there are some things that you don’t do if you care about someone. There is no polite way to describe the things she did.
When I was younger I wanted an explanation for why she behaved the way she did. I thought perhaps she was so disturbed by her mental health condition that might be causing it. My psychologist helped me see that it was her choice to behave that way. Many people with mental health issues take care not to abuse their children.
I would appreciate any advice you could give about processing my pain from the past regarding my mother seeing me as a mistake.
Hi Ivy!
I thought you fleshed out the characters well, they have very rich emotional backstories. I wondered if you identified with any of them?
I can’t wait to see the storyboard and see the story unfold!
Well done for you hard work on the plot, synopsis and summary. 👏
Thank you for understanding! It was a long time ago. I left home at the first available opportunity and never looked back. After many years of therapy, I feel that this was the first time I have been able to safely express anger about it. Thank you for giving me that opportunity. I’m not upset at the moment, but it was visceral a long time ago.
That’s a good question. I don’t know. Certainly, I have unresolved issues around the topic. It has indirectly been a theme of my anxious thoughts.
I have a tendency to catastophise and expect the worst. The pins set up by my mother were reinforced by further trauma as a young adult.
I came to expect pain and suffering in all walks of life. I have done some work on this. I know now this is not the case. There are good experiences to be had and kind people out there.
Still, it is often my first thought when I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Thank you for helping identify this as an area I need to work on. I’m not sure if it necessarily related to physical pain, but it is definitely how I respond to it. Specifically, jumping to the worst case by experiencing habitual thoughts of suicidal ideation when I feel severe physical pain.
I appreciate your feedback!
To clarify, I feel like the emotions experienced with gaslighting are different from the emotions associated with guilt when inappropriate behaviour has occurred.
I didn’t worry that I had wronged another person. I felt shame, anger and sadness as I was being abused. I was bullied into feeling that I had it coming, not for doing wrong. But for existing. I felt that I existed to be abused and expected only that. This is why I chose the word shame. And this is why I said overly responsible, not because it my fault. It was simply my reality.
Even as a child I had awareness of gaslighting. My mother often told me she loved me, but her behaviour told me otherwise. I was aware that I hadn’t wronged anyone, it was practical to attempt to reduce the level abuse of abuse if at all possible.
I was acutely aware of the inherent danger I was in and I did feel powerless. A small child cannot fight off a 200+ lbs adult. A 100 lbs teenager cannot fight a 200+ lbs adult, though I tried.
The level of abuse and neglect I experienced at the hands of my mother was severe. She wasn’t tired of any chores because I was the one who did them. From the age of 4-5 I used a stove to prepare simple meals for myself and my brother if food was in the house. I looked after the dog, took care of my abuser, protected my brother and cleaned the house.
Most of my childhood she spent sleeping, the rest of the time she was out (leaving us home alone), rarely purchasing food, watching tv, getting drunk and abusing us.
Thank you for elaborating, I found it very helpful. I am glad to hear that you are in significantly less pain now.
It makes sense that I may have to learn more about the reasons why these thoughts occur and the feelings behind them.
I don’t believe it’s based in guilt for me. As a child I felt alone and unloved because of the abuse. For a long time, I struggled with feelings of not being good enough or being unlovable. At the time, I blamed myself, as children do. I have a fear that rears it’s head occasionally. I worry that my loved ones will one day decide they made a mistake by caring for me and abandon me. Arguments definitely trigger these feelings. I guess, I fear feeling how I did in the past.
Generally, I am in significantly less emotional pain these days. But, I also get overwhelmed and upset fairly easily.
Also, I have a bad habit of avoiding physical pain by focusing on anxiety. I have a habit of worrying about various stressors in my life as opposed to focusing on emotional pain from the past.
Hi Brian
Thank you for elaborating on the issue!
Whilst some people do this when they don’t like people there are other reasons why people act in this way.
1) People may have difficulties that they are not discussing.
2) Often people have fairly small circles of close friends. Then there tends to be friends that they talk to less frequently.
3) Some people have very busy lives, especially those with children and working for example.
4) It is really easy to read a text then put down the phone and forget about it.
I’m not trying to defend these behaviours; simply explain that at least some of the time the intent may be different. I think it’s great that you set boundaries by not interacting with people that don’t put effort into maintaining a relationship.
Hi Brian
Thank you for sharing that, it means a lot! It helps me understand you.
I don’t mind if you don’t answer questions. Your thoughts and feelings are private and it’s up to you whether you wish to discuss them.
Life is too short to put up with people for years.I doubt many people have the capacity to do such a thing. Were there any specific things those people did that gave you that impression?
There is a saying that you might find helpful. If someone treats you poorly, it says more about them than it does about you. This means the way that people treat each other is often dictated by their internal world. Someone in a good mood is more likely to respond positively even when confronted with challenging circumstances. Whereas someone in a bad mood might respond poorly to everything.
I can understand the difficulty of finding the right balance and appreciate your honesty.
I hope we can continue speaking. I think you communicated your thoughts and feelings very well. I feel this conversation has been meaningful.
Hi Arie
That is understandable! He is going through a very difficult time at the moment. He communicated that he isn’t able to be as responsive at the moment and isn’t able to see you right now for a very good reason. I’m sure when he is able he will be in contact with you.
You are correct. None of this is your fault, he is simply trying to pick up the pieces and put himself back together after the abuse he received from his mother. It is very kind of you to be concerned and want to help. But this is something he may largely have to do alone until he feels better and the abuse dies down.
I recommend against going over. He may not feel up to leaving the house due to his depression and being around his mother is a bad idea as it may encourage her to involve you in her abuse. When he feels up to it picking him up and going elsewhere might be a good option.
How are you doing? I hope you are taking care of yourself and keeping yourself occupied to distract yourself from the stress of your partners situation.
Hi Brian
I would add that here it might be helpful for you to politely discuss when you feel uncomfortable around others.
In person, when socialising setting boundaries doesn’t necessarily involve discussion. It might simply be politely asking someone not to do something or politely excusing yourself. With closer friends or family discussion might be involved if they are open to it.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 