Hi Lea!

Practicing assertiveness can help with the people pleasing because it is about politely setting healthy boundaries.

It is a fine line to balance being social while disagreeing with people. There are subtle ways to do it. First of all you don’t have to approve of anything you disagree with. Sometimes no response can be more tactful. Assertiveness can also help politely redirect someone. Failing that, walking away works. You can always jump back into a conversation when the topic changes to a more pleasant one.

What helped me to do things that I don’t enjoy is to regularly focus on the reasons why I benefit from doing them. For example, tidying up rubbish. I have pets, if I left it, they could chew on it or try to eat it. I don’t want them to do that. Making the bed, I have allergies and pets. To relieve my allergies I must change the sheets!

What are the subjects you don’t enjoy? Any reasons why?

Taking regular breaks is important when studying to maintain concentration. Perhaps you could do your best to enjoy your breaks? Or some people like to make studying a bit nicer by putting on music or nibbling on some treats. Try some different things and see if you have any preferences that make it a little more bearable.

Hi Lea!

It’s nice to meet you! I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with bullying and social anxiety.

I think aside from the usual advice and therapy what helped me the most is exposing myself to positive experiences and kind people. When people support you it starts to turn that negative internal narrative around. You start to believe what they say and that you deserve better.

Believe me, you do deserve better! You are very hard on yourself, it is hard when you are anxious around others yet also fighting yourself. It feels like you are defeated before you even try. Perhaps practicing self-compassion is an area to work on?

Would you like to work on meeting kind people?

What are your interests and hobbies?

I’m also curious about your relationship with your family. What is it like since I’m assuming that you only have contact with people at work and your family? Is this assumption correct?

I would also like to provide a little information about anxiety and avoidance. Avoiding things that cause anxiety tends to reinforce fear. When we avoid it we feel relief which internally confirms that we were correct to be afraid. Only by gradually and safely confronting our fears do they begin to lessen.

Learning about the communication skill assertiveness was very helpful for me when I was learning to set boundaries. There is a good website called skills you need that might be helpful.

Hi Eric

Thank you for replying!

They probably stopped because you showed no interest in talking. If you initiate they may resume interest.

Have you tried the small steps of saying hello to the people you don’t speak to?

What is your favourite thing to talk about to friends that you are more comfortable with?

It can be difficult to talk about Tv shows unless you find common interests.

Shyness can come across as lack of interest or rudeness sometimes. This is why it’s helpful to tell people that you are shy and enjoy talking to them. They will forgive a lot if you give them a good reason for your behaviour.

Hi Dude

No people don’t usually experience similar circumstances. There is a reason why this experience makes everyone but you uncomfortable.

There were cameras involved this immediately suggests two things a) a sexual connotation b) bullying. Attempting to coerce him by offering money to bounce directly reinforces these connotations.

What happened was wildly inappropriate. I don’t think that he will ever forget it.

That being said, this is the first time you have expressed remorse about what happened. Finally understanding the harm caused however painful is a step in the right direction.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Kyle!

Was there a reason that you didn’t see your father for months? In a typical co-parenting relationship the time with each parent would be split 50-50.

How did your mom respond when you asked as a child to spend more time with your father?

It sounds like you were bullied in high school. Would you agree? Children and teens can be very cruel to each other.

I don’t know if what you surmised about how your friendships ended is true. I’m not suggesting that you are lying. But relationships come and go a lot in life. Perhaps no matter how you behave they would have ended? It is unfair to blame yourself for that. There are at least two people in a friendship. The other party is also responsible for keeping or ending the friendship.

Sometimes in school we have a limited choice of friends and we are just with anyone who will accept us. They might not even be good friends.

Did you know that you were adopted as a child? Do you have any feelings about being adopted?

I don’t think it seems like you are painting your mom out to be a bad person. Quite the contrary, you are defending her. I am not trying to suggest that this is your mom’s fault. But there generally reasons behind the way we behave.

You mentioned that you feel shame and that you break your mother’s trust when you make mistakes.

Are there any other mistakes that you’ve made relevant to your mom other than the false report and the difficulties with school work?

You mentioned that you feel shame about these situations and that lying is your mom’s pet peeve and she gets mad. More and more as time goes on.

A common reason why we learn to lie or hide our behaviour is when people respond poorly when we tell the truth. Another reason could be that it was your father that initially encouraged this behaviour.

Personally, I can understand why a little boy who barely gets to spend any time with his father can be coerced into saying something untrue in the hopes that they would spend more time with their father.

What happened was unfortunate, but it also wasn’t wholly your fault. It would have never happened if your father hadn’t coaxed you into action. You were manipulated.

I think you have a lot of good character to want to change this behaviour stemming from childhood.

Honestly, you aren’t the first person to lie about difficulties with school work. This is understandable too! It’s not ideal, but it’s not the end of the world.

Did your mom put any pressure on you to succeed in school?

It sounds like you carry a lot of shame. The difficulty about emotions is that sometimes we believe emotionally, something different from what logically we know to be true.

But when a mother rejects you because of mistakes it is easy to internalise that. In your mind her being mad is understandable, but in your heart you feel shame and mistrust.

It can feel like love is conditional, something that we don’t deserve when we make mistakes. What do you think?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Kyle!

I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in what you shared!

Couple of questions if you don’t mind? How old were you when this thanksgiving trip happened?

You mentioned that your father coerced you. How?

Have you ever experienced any difficulties with your mother?

How do you feel about the coercion and filing the false report about your mother?

Sometimes when we lie it can be because we are afraid of being vulnerable with people, this can include being afraid of showing people who we are. Does this resonate with you at all? If not do you see any reasoning behind this behaviour?You mentioned that lying can be a defence. A defence against what?

Please feel free to share whatever you would like to. Sorry if the questions are difficult. You don’t have to answer anything that you are uncomfortable with.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Helcat.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Helcat.