Hi Sandhya

It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life and are continuing to experience many more challenging experiences.

It seems to me that as we age, death becomes prevalent in our lives. I remember a colleague confronting her own mortality when her best friend suddenly received a terminal diagnosis of cancer at 40.

I have a good friend in his 70s and recently his two brothers both passed within a short space of time. He copes by reflecting on his memories and looking at pictures.

Death is a natural part of life, but it can be extremely distressing.

Having a support network is very important, if you are losing a lot of people that you care about it is important to make some new connections. You can never replace those people. But being alone can be extremely difficult.

A lot of the time people cope by being hopeful. But in the case of loss, this isn’t relevant. Perhaps acceptance is something to work towards? I find a saying comforting. The people you love are a part of you. So you can honour their memory as you live.

Do you have any strategies for coping with the feelings of loss that you are experiencing? As someone with a chronic pain condition, I’m curious about learning more about how you cope with pain. This is something I struggle with.

Hi Anonymous

Sometimes feelings of guilt and shame are used as punishments. It seems to me that you are punishing yourself right now, for your mistake.

But do you deserve punishment? It is helpful? Are there any alternatives? What is there to learn from the experience?

It seems to me, the only lesson you can take away from this is understanding that drinking can lead to uncharacteristic behaviour for you.

I also experience uncharacteristic behaviour when drinking too much. My personal limit is 3 drinks. I know that I can control my behaviour within this range.

It might be helpful for you to plan as Anita suggested how to avoid similar situations in the future. Perhaps avoid drinking around men that aren’t your partner? Or do not attend events which involve drinking without your partner present? Or set your own rule about alcohol?

My point is, other than learning from the situation, is there anything helpful to gain? It seems to me that self-punishment is only harmful. Once you have finished planning, there will be nothing left to gain from ruminating on this situation.

Perhaps you feel it is just since your partner is not able to react to the situation himself? But would he even want this? I think that your partner cares about you and would not want you to suffer.

Personally, I think that most partners would be able to forgive this situation. You have been very focused on what was said. But in the bigger picture, not focusing on the details. You simply flirted with an ex while drunk. Things didn’t progress any further than that. Whilst unpleasant, it is entirely forgivable. It is not even a large mistake, just a small one.

Do you feel that your reaction is proportional to the situation? Are you beating yourself up for what could have happened, if you didn’t stop yourself?

Even if you are not hungry, please try and eat and drink. It helps to regulate emotions. It may be worth trying some supplements that aid sleep such as valerian root or melatonin. Or speak to a doctor about sleeping pills. Sleep is also very important for emotional regulation.

This situation is still very fresh in your mind, it will take some time to process. It has hurt you deeply.

Hi Tara

I’m sorry that your mother continues to act in an abusive way by ignoring you and even went to the extreme of leaving the house.

None of this is your fault and is the result of your mother’s own deep rooted issues. Her behaviour is hers alone and is nothing to do with you.

It speaks a lot to your character that you chose to appease your mother even though you bear little responsibility for the situation and had previously apologised for the lying – something that you only did because you were uncomfortable with the unreasonable behavior.

Please take care of yourself and try not to worry about her. Have faith that she will work through her own issues of her own accord.

If not telling him would save the relationship from pre-existing issues. It is understandable not to want your relationship to end over something like this.

Hi Arabella

Personally, I don’t think it’s quite cheating since there was no sexting and no emotional element. However, it’s not great either. On the plus side, despite being drunk you maintained a level of propriety making sure not to cross that boundary into sexting.

I think it entirely depends on the nature of your partner and culture whether talking about the issue is appropriate. If your partner has stable mental health and is a reasonable individual it would be an uncomfortable or even a difficult conversation but likely it would be possible to move past it without causing harm. However, if your partner already has difficulties they could struggle and be hurt by this.

If your partner is stable, then personally I value honesty over hiding it to avoid a difficult conversation. I think being honest shows that there is nothing worth hiding.

That being said, we don’t know the contents of the text exchange so it is hard to gauge accurately.

How do you think that your partner would react?

When it comes to forgiving yourself. Generally, how I approach it is acknowledging what I have done and apologising while committing to not making the same mistake again.

Whilst you believe that you are loyal and honest, it sounds like there are some challenges with that. The question is why? Is there anything underlying?

Hi Eric

Do you honestly believe that anyone deserves to be hit?

This is a form of self-abuse for you. Even in the previous message you are verbally abusing yourself by claiming that you deserve to be hit.

This is what domestic violence perpetrators sometimes say to their victims.

I would encourage you to wait until you are feeling calmer to reply. When you are able to think clearly and refrain from self-abuse. This is when you are going to be able to make progress.

I am not saying this because I wish to cease communication. On the contrary! I would love to continue this conversation. I just know from my own experience that it is near impossible to be kind to yourself while these feelings are still raw.

I have an idea for you regarding conversation practice. You write beautifully and visualisation is great technique that has a similar impact to performing the activity itself. Could you write about how you would have liked the conversation to go with this girl? Please only  do this when you are feeling calmer.

Have you tried yoga before? It is an excellent way to develop relaxation skills. Learning to properly relax could help you learn to better manage your anxiety.

I hope you take care of yourself in this vulnerable state. You deserve to take especially good care of yourself right now. What are your favourite treats or some comforting / distracting activities that you enjoy?

Hi Eric

If you think about it this way, communication takes practice. In an important situation, say speaking to a girl you like or someone that you want to be friends with it is going to be stressful for you without practice. This is why starting out small and frequently practicing is important. It prepares you for when you do get around to an important conversation and because of practice you would feel more confident in your ability to handle the situation and less stressed. Stress does cause mistakes in communication. So lowering the stress with practice is very important.

In my experience, social anxiety is not really about other people (aside from ptsd triggers with bullying). A large component is how you feel about yourself because really it is not others judging you, it is about you judging yourself. I bet that girl really didn’t think too much about that encounter, yet you spent the evening berating yourself. You really do need to be kinder to yourself.