Hi aVoid!

I’m glad that you had a nice trip with your girlfriend. This tells me that your plan to develop a routine could help you a lot. I hope that you plan to take another trip with your girlfriend as soon as you are both able. It a well deserved respite. I agree with your plan to start small when developing a routine.

I used to have similar difficulties with routine and this method was most beneficial for me. Following are some things that I learned and found helpful. Dealing with the negative self talk, criticizing myself for not doing enough was the hardest part. My partner gave me some great advice. A business rule is that if you get 30% done of what you planned to do in the day, that is a good day. Of course, it is okay to take a short break from your routine if you feel really bad. The trick is to have compassion for yourself when that happens. You are dealing with a lot of challenges emotionally, it can take a toll. Taking care of yourself emotionally on bad days is important. There will be good days and bad days. I like to celebrate small achievements, it can encourage good habits. This could look like whatever you choose… Some examples, I write down and acknowledge when I have completed tasks that I wanted to complete. I have a to do list app as well, so I get a small burst of dopamine now when I check something off the list and it makes a ding noise. I also take before and after pictures so I can reflect and say that looks so much better now. I like to take breaks in between doing things, so eating lunch or a snack is a nice reward, or watching something on TV. I also try and focus on the reason why I want to do a task. When I change the bedsheets I do so because I have allergies and changing the sheets will help my breathing. I cut the grass because it wouldn’t be nice for my neighbors to look at it disheveled and I want to have pride in taking care of my home.

I’m sorry that the trauma you experienced as a child has scarred you so deeply. You didn’t deserve it, like any child you deserved to be safe, happy and protected. I’m glad that you have a loving girlfriend, this love is what you always deserved.

I wonder, are you still in contact with your “family”?

Hi aVoid!

How was your trip?

Can you tell me more about this glimmer of hope that keeps you alive?

It sounds like you have tried a lot of  things  to try and help you sleep. It’s a shame that melatonin hasn’t been helpful.

I see that you mentioned difficulties with alcohol. Are you aware that it causes issues with sleep? Additionally, it is a depressant that worstens depression and anxiety.

I would recommend speaking to a doctor about quitting drinking. There are medications available that can make the process much easier.

Hi Ilian!

I hope writing everything down and getting your thoughts ‘off your chest’ was helpful? It’s great to that you are learning to manage your anxiety through meditation and writing.

I am wondering about your situation with your study skills… You mentioned that you haven’t had to work hard to get good grades and you fear that luck may be coming to an end.

Do you feel that you have relied on natural ability as opposed to studying? Do you have any study skills?

I think there is a stage in life where everyone has to work hard to develop some skills and knowledge. When you feel confident in your ability to overcome these new challenges your anxiety should ease.

As a tutor, it is important to remember that often we learn from making mistakes. So even if mistakes are made that is okay and part of the learning process. Every single person in the world makes mistakes!

Hi Anonymous!

Sorry for the late reply! How are you doing? It’s been a busy weekend. I am looking forward to this calmer week.

I think it’s unlikely that anyone would find out what happened.

I would agree with your ex that the conversation between you was not malicious. Personally, I think that what happened is like your parents, a very human forgivable mistake. If your partner found out, I would expect him to forgive you. If he did not I think it would be throwing away a loving relationship over a small mistake which would be a very big mistake. It is hard to find a good relationship!

I wonder if you have a subconscious fear of rejection stemming from that moment in childhood? What do you think?

This kind of worrying about the worst case is called catastrophising. Usually, for me it is a sign that my anxiety has spiked. It can be helpful to practice self-care to soothe and reduce anxiety.

The “reason” I used to catastrophise is that I believed it would help me prepare for a bad situation if it did actually happen. But this was a lie, I told myself. Really all it does is upset.

I wonder, do you have any reasoning why the carastrophising persists?

I’m glad that you are forgiving yourself and moving on. I hope that you figure out how to manage the catastrophising soon. Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Anita

People with low emotional intelligence can have disorders that are the cause. No matter how hard people try for people with disorders this issue may never change.

Hi Madina

When we avoid something fear of it grows because avoiding it reinforces the idea that we were correct to avoid it.

It sounds like you are very aware of the difficulties you have with relationships and where these difficulties stem from. Working with a therapist may help you move past these issues .

You don’t have to date, if you don’t want to. It seems like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to figure this out now. From my understanding you are currently not attempting to date? Is this correct? When you feel safer and there is someone that you are interested in, I’m sure that things will become clearer.

Hi Madina

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with these anxious thoughts about your sexual orientation and that you have had difficulties with abusive relationships.

You mentioned that you experimented with your sexuality when you were younger. To me this means that perhaps your sexuality has remained similar. Since things are similar, I don’t expect you to suddenly become attracted to your female friends. You would probably have experienced those feelings already.

There is another possibility… Perhaps you are attracted to both men and women? What do you think?

It is understandable that you feel reluctant to date men considering the difficulties you have experienced with heterosexual relationships.

It sounds like you are in a state of high anxiety. During this period it is important to take care of needs that balance emotions. Eating, sleeping (even if you need sleeping pills or supplements) . It is important to self-soothe and do activities that you find relaxing. What are some activities that you find relaxing? I would suggest catching up with your friends or family too.

I wonder, what kind of traits you value in a partner?