Hi Tee

So there’s some previous history that you might have missed.

Anita was very brave and opened a thread encouraging people to talk to her on it. I included the feedback that it sounds like she was having difficulty with anxiety. She decided to ignore me and became verbally abusive. I apologised, she forgave me and continued to ignore me.

This was the frame for how she came onto my personal thread. There was no trust because of her behaviour towards me. She asked if my experience of drowning really happened and provided a quote of a reported experience of drowning without further context.

To me this was questioning the validity of what I experienced.

She later added context and denied that she was accusing me of lying. But why include the quote of a different drowning experience?

The experience of drowning is incidently a major trigger for me which didn’t help at all. I also have a learning difficulty which causes me to interpret things literally.

I agree, Anita’s difficulties are sporadic. In fact, since I left she worked on her behaviour towards other members a lot. I returned only because she managed to go for a whole month without incident (it may have been longer but I didn’t check past the most recent month). I tried to reassure anita and communicate this when she expressed distress about being reported but this was promptly deleted.

My understanding is that my return was a trigger for anita that caused a couple of minor stumbles. I had faith that she would adjust and return to her previously sensitive behaviour.

Whilst she wasn’t comfortable discussing feedback she did very well with taking it on board. I was very proud of anita’s growth while I was away.

I think the difficulty with ignoring people is that issues cannot be resolved when someone chooses to do that. I’m someone who discusses and resolves problems.

Is peace, really peace when people are left to hurt in silence?

Hi Whitfield

Welcome!

Twenty years is a long time to be married. I’m sorry to hear all of the difficulties you experienced throughout marriage. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot together.

I’m sorry to hear that you feel lonely and a lack of connection with your wife. I can understand why that would cause you to question the relationship.

I’m curious, when things were at their worst during the major crisis. What kept you together?

I’m asking because I would like to understand what was important to you enough to go through all of that?

Wishing you all the best 🙏

Hi Lori

I don’t think anyone wants to see her leave. She has had an overwhelmingly positive influence on the community.

If you would like to mediate and if that is something Anita wants, I would be happy for you to do that. Please feel free to email me in regards to that.

To be clear, I’m not asking for her to be removed from the forum.

Hi Frozenfireflies

That makes sense and sounds like a healthy way to approach the situation. I’m glad the examples helped.

I understand, it can be difficult figuring out how to communicate difficulties with relationships in a positive way. It’s totally understandable to want your feelings to be heard too.

I can hear how challenging it has been for you moving further away, the difficulties of the pandemic and losing friends. I understand wanting to be close to your family and how it can hurt to be less close with them.

It is a shame when people are conflict avoidant because ultimately healthy conflict is intended to  to clear the air, resolve problems, empathise with each other and validate emotions.

I hope it doesn’t come to that and your sister responds positively to your chosen less direct approach first.

Apologies regarding the misunderstanding about texting time.

I wouldn’t have had to protest abuse if public action was taken in the first place.

Hi Eric

I noticed that on your cons list includes a lot of concerns related to anxiety. Most likely all of the concerns you have on your con list won’t all happen. It’s statistically unlikely. However, some may happen. I hope that they are not as bad as you think.

Definitely meeting friends and family will happen. But that also has the potential to be a nice thing.

Your main concern seems to be that people will judge you and act in an unkind way. Historically, people have treat you this way.

Most people are cruel to others because they have issues themselves. Everyone who has hurt you in the past has been in pain themselves and chosen to act in a way that makes them feel strong and powerful for a short time only. Afterwards, people who hurt others experience self-hatred and often live in denial of their actions because facing the pain of what they have done is overwhelming.

My point is, that in the off chance that someone behaves unkindly. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t even related to you. There are sick people in the world, but there are lots of kind people too.

Hi Eric

I don’t think that this behaviour was a mistake. I think you did your best to protect yourself.

You were dealing with enough anxiety as it was and made some request to prevent additional stressors.

Well done for protecting yourself!

That being said I’m glad that you’re getting to a point where you feel mentally prepared to share your relationship with people.