Hi Caroline

I’m sorry to hear that you had your lowest point a couple of years ago and you are feeling similarly today. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling angry and hitting yourself. Would you like to talk about what is making you feel this way? No one should be alone when feeling this way. I don’t believe that you deserve to be hit either.

Do you have any things that relax you or distract you? I quite enjoy tv shows because they have a story I can follow and I don’t have to engage my mind. When I need to calm down something with chill vibes and is perhaps funny, something isn’t stressful is a good idea to watch. Music can be helpful too, calming music and a nice candle. Whatever helps to bring you a small measure of comfort. Nothing is too silly. I often grab a teddy. 😊

I was once told that to break habits of self-harm self-love should be used. The idea is to get a lovely strong scented lotion and when you feel the urge to hit yourself use the lotion instead. It seems silly but it does feel strangely empowering to do the opposite of whatever the dark corners of the mind desire.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Clara

The advice that follows is for your current choice of requesting communication.

I know all of this hurts so much and you have been trying so hard to stay positive to stay strong and get through it.

Right now you need to compose yourself before sending any messages.

If she is okay with talking that might be helpful. Don’t panic. Ideas born of panic are not good. Try asking without an ultimatum. Ultimatums damage relationships. Try being vulnerable, as uncomfortable as it is people respond to vulnerability. Being defensive only causes a further rift between you and your partner.

A suggestion for if she says yes to contact. Focus on positive communication – this means nothing negative about the relationship. She asked for space and time to heal from the negativity. I think that you also need that too.

If she says no. Then you can decide what you want to do moving forward. Be respectful about it.

Being scared about what is going to happen next has only caused negativity and further damaged the relationship. Rumination does not protect you or make things easier, it causes pain and increases anxiety. Rumination is the enemy.

For all of your concerns and everything that has been said your partner hasn’t ended the relationship. When you are afraid, focus on that. Reflect on your memories of your long relationship together. Practice reassuring yourself.

And to balance it out, reassure yourself that you will be okay and cope no matter what happens. Breathe! You got this.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Gresshoppe

Welcome back!

I think that what you have said here is respectful and perfect. You enjoyed reconnecting, but aren’t interested in taking things further. It feels like things are stuck and not working.

What makes you feel nervous about telling him that you’re not interested in taking things a step further?

Rejecting him might end things entirely between you?

Are you afraid that he will try to pressure you and not take your no for an answer?

Or something else?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Clara

I think because the initial idea of being no contact and then last minute changing your mind when you were leaving that might be confusing. You also specified that she can message you if she needs anything. Specifically meaning that you won’t be contacting her if you need anything.

For example, you had a perfectly valid reason to reach out to your partner when your worst fear happened with your mother if you wanted to. Yet, you chose not to. You chose to stick to the 30 day rule.

Honestly, your friends are not wrong. Tommy is not wrong. I have never seen good come of a break like this. This break is also an opportunity to see if you are both happier without each other. Possibly not the best idea when a partner is questioning whether they have feelings for you, especially with all of the recent negativity. You know your own relationship best though.

It sounds like you panicked when you suggested the idea and you both panicked because you didn’t know what to do because the situation was so bad between you and decided that the only option was to go through with it.

Is there a possibility that you suggested this initially to allow the relationship to end on your own terms?

I really hope that I am wrong about all of this and wish you both all the best of luck though.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Debs123

It sounds like you already have a good handle on how you feel about the situation. Have you discussed how you feel about the situation with him? If not, is there something holding you back from doing that?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Carol

Please don’t worry about writing when you’re busy. 😊

I don’t know if this is the result of her being in a healthy relationship. It could easily be the result of her being in an unhealthy relationship. Especially since you mention that she has a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships.

In healthy relationships time would be made for both partners friends. Sucking up to his friend that didn’t like her, it sounds like she’s afraid of being rejected by her partner. If his friends don’t like her, he may leave her. That type of thing.

You never know how relationships actually are underneath the surface. Sometimes people pretend that things are okay when they’re not. Just have to see how things work out.

After 15 years of close friendship, I bet she misses you and is aware of the drifting. For whatever reason, she is holding back. I will add that people who aren’t cared about aren’t texted at all. Perhaps there is a fear that the relationship will drift even more in the future?

I do understand how painful it is not to have a good level of communication with someone you care about deeply. It is a deeply disappointing and hurtful thing.

It is healthy to invest your time and energies in people who invest in you. I’m glad that focusing on that is helping.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

My advice is to let the girl go before damaging the relationship and her even further she is new to relationships and clearly isn’t protecting herself properly. You are taking advantage of this. Anyone with good boundaries would not tolerate your behaviour and end the relationship.

Hi Harry

At least you were honest about the situation instead of leading her on.

Do you love her though? It seems like A)  it’s a long distance relationship. B) you cheated on her when it was long distance. C) you haven’t really been going out for long.

You might not be the kind of person who is cut out for long distance since you were openly flirting with other people then had sex with them.

Maybe you are just being realistic? Your eyes may wander again when she goes home. Long distance really isn’t for everyone, it is hard and lonely. With bursts of excitement when you meet. It makes for a fun vacation. And it’s really not tenable when a partner can’t be trusted, unless say there was an agreement that both parties could sleep with other people.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏