Hi Stacy

It sounds like the break up has shaken you and made you doubt yourself. You mentioned that you don’t feel like you can move past this unless you believe that your trust was broken.

You’re not sure if asking your ex not to like sexy pictures was warranted. The closest experience I have had to that is earlier on when my partner and I were first dating he had lots of female friends (he still does). Anyway sometimes they used cute nicknames like honey and babe. I didn’t check his phone but he would pass his phone to me and show me funny videos and pictures and a text would occasionally pop up saying these things and it would make me uncomfortable. So he would show me the conversation when this happened to reassure me and it was otherwise normal. I still asked him to set some boundaries with his friends not to call him honey or babe while he was dating. He agreed with said that was fine. There have been no issues since because everyone is quite happy to respect that boundary which helps make me feel more comfortable.

Everyone is different and has different things that bother them. Part of dating is accommodating each others needs and boundaries as long as they’re reasonable.

I think it’s reasonable to feel uncomfortable when your partner likes sexy pictures on social media. It’s not something that makes me personally uncomfortable. But I do understand how it could make other people uncomfortable.

Your partner used the excuse that he didn’t think he would be able to promise that and keep that promise.

But I think what is important in a partner is not that they do everything perfectly. Just that they try and do their best.

Anything sexual with his previous history of porn addiction that behaviour could have been a long term struggle for him to manage if he tried.

I think a lot of people have long term struggles with specific issues. My husband is loud and raises his voice a lot when he’s excited, shocked, or upset. Because he this behaviour is present throughout his daily life it’s difficult for him to entirely eliminate during arguments. I have PTSD, so when he raises his voice during periods of conflict, it’s a trigger that upsets me. I shut down because I’m overwhelmed and he gets upset because he worries I’m trying to ignore him like previous partners have. He really does try his best to manage his behaviour, but he isn’t perfect. I try and manage my behaviour and recover as soon as possible, but I’m not perfect. No one is perfect and that’s okay. You can still be pretty amazing and not perfect at the same time.

When two people have conflicting issues it’s impossible for one person to resolve. Both people need to try. I think you’re a reasonable person. You would have been happy if you felt like he was trying.

For you, perhaps the long term issue was insecurity? Would you agree?

I think lying about his trans friend from work is clearly breaking your trust too. He should have been honest about things that would have concerned you, but he wasn’t because he wanted to avoid talking about it.

What’s ironic is by refusing to deal with these situations he caused a lot of problems in the relationship. Individually  these are fairly small things. He could have done his best to try to alter his behaviour with the pictures and been simply been honest about his coworker friend. He could have asked his friends not to smoke around you and introduced you. He could have easily picked up the phone and called you.

I had a friend who was like your ex, in that he was uncomfortable with conflict and would say anything he thought the other person wanted to hear to get him out of it. Yet, he wanted to change nothing. This lead to me getting fed up with being lied to and ultimately, I ended the friendship.

You have a wonderful gift Stacy, to be able to make the person that you’re talking to feel special. I think over time, he started to realize the impact the issues he was causing had on the relationship. It’s possible that he felt like he was disappointing you.

You’re a very patient and empathetic person. Combined with your uncertainty about maintaining your boundaries. It sounds like you don’t tend to be the person who ends relationships. You would have tried to work things out.

But sometimes, even if you love someone things don’t work out. I once had to leave someone I loved because they refused to talk at all about difficulties in the relationship. They just shut down entirely and ignored me for a month.

I don’t think you meant nothing to your ex. I don’t think the good times that you had together were lies.

There were multiple factors at play which lead to the relationship ending.

Lifestyle –  his weed addiction would have been impossible for you to live with. I’ve had people live with me smoking weed before and I also have asthma. It honestly sucks even when they’re only doing it outside, the smoke is strong and clings to them when they come inside.

His mental health – was clearly a large reason why he had difficulties with accommodating you in the relationship.

Would you like to discuss difficulties you’ve had with other relationships ending?

Wishing you all the best 🙏

Hi Luna

How are you doing, my friend?

It’s very wise of you to recognise that we all experience the same lessons. I think the benefit of being able to recognise that is you can learn from the problems that others have.

Thank you for your encouragement, I’ve always wanted to write a book! It would be cool to get around to it someday. I just don’t know exactly what I want to write about yet.

wanted a tattoo for ages, but I change my mind a lot and wanted to be sure I would be comfortable with my decision long term. I think this is the way I navigate the world. Whether it’s tattoos, books, jobs or relationships.

You mentioned that you had some concerns about relationships because of the models of relationships that you’ve seen. Do you want to talk about some of the concerning dynamics that you’ve seen in other relationships?

My thoughts on difficulties in relationships are that every relationship has difficulties. But overall, being in a relationship should enhance your life, not detract from it. Also, I think an excellent quality of a potential partner is listening, caring and being willing to change when something upsets you.

Having boundaries as individuals are very important for protecting ourselves in relationships. How do you think your boundaries are with others?

Overall, I think I had a mix of relationships. Some fairly healthy. Some not so healthy. I had a difficult childhood, so I was attracted to unhealthy relationships for a while. But as I healed I started to search for healthier qualities in relationships.

My first boyfriend had troubles of his own from previous trauma. We had a good time together. But it ended when he cheated on me. This seemed to be a pattern for him because he left his previous girlfriend to date me. I wasn’t aware at the time but found out pretty early on in the relationship. I wasn’t hurt by what happened, I was young and carefree.

That is the story of my first relationship.

Love and best wishes! 🙏

Hi Luna

Thank you for your kind wishes! It’s very kind of you to offer to hear more about my relationships. As you picked up on (you’re very intuitive), I was trying to share things that might be relevant to you. There is a whole book I could write about relationships 😂 perhaps too much has happened in my life to say.

That feeling of noviceness passes with experience. I can tell that you’re a very capable person. I’m sure that as you progress on your dating journey you will feel more confident! Beginners nerves are natural.

You mentioned feeling like you’re struggling to find the keys. Do you have any specific concerns?

I would agree, that there are some things that your friends and self-reflection can immediately help with. Some things you can only learn by doing. Reflection and friendship can help you to navigate these experiences retroactively though.

Please feel free to share anything you would like to talk about! I’d be quite happy to have another friend and pen pal.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Positivitea

I’m glad to hear that the high levels of anxiety have reduced and you’re feeling less stressed.

It sounds like you’re doing a good job preparing for the baby! It’s good that you have everything that you need and that researching and labour and parenting is making you feel less overwhelmed.

I love the way you put it, how you’re processing everything with past versions of you being so different from who you are now and who you were lead to you being who you are now. I’m glad that you’re doing your best to give the younger versions of yourself empathy.

That’s a beautiful and very mature perspective!

It’s strange how we can be harsher towards ourselves than other people sometimes.

I hope that the rest of your pregnancy progresses smoothly. I hope that your labour goes well and that your baby is born healthy!

Wishing you and your family all the best! 🙏

Hi Stacy

I’m sorry to hear that you have EOE which has caused 3 severe strictures in your throat. It’s good that you received a diagnosis, but did anyone ever do allergy testing on you? Or put you on an elimination diet? Do you know what your triggers for the condition are?

The thing is, that when there are issues with our bodies it can create feelings of intense anxiety. You suffer from asthma too. EOE has symptoms of chest pain similar to a heart attack. If this occurs it will naturally create intense amounts of anxiety. Feeling like you are choking on food will also create intense feelings of anxiety. If your asthma is acting up it will create feelings of anxiety too. You may also have to deal with vomiting which honestly sucks.

I also have asthma and I’ve had difficulties with my throat too. Different to yours, my conditions are GERD and laryngospasms. Basically, any time I coughed my throat would close up. My asthma definitely contributed to this too. It would happen when I was walking outside and exposed to pollen, or when I ate certain foods. Even when my asthma was acting up on it’s own I found myself struggling to breathe easily.

I experience severe anxiety when these symptoms are present too. It takes quite a lot of preventative measures to ease my symptoms. I need to keep my house clean and wear an allergy mask when going outside during pollen season and be careful to manage my diet to prevent these symptoms. I also had to stop taking NSAID medication, which was causing an allergic response for me.

I think my point is that anxiety is a normal proportionate response to your health condition. Our bodies are very sensitive when it comes to difficulties with our airways because it to our animal brain it feels like we’re dying. What coping skills and strategies do you use to deal with these physical symptoms?

I found that expecting the intense anxiety that occurs with the symptoms to be helpful. That way I could practice reassuring myself and managing the situation. When I didn’t know how to manage it, or didn’t understand what was going on it was terrifying.

I think another thing is this condition has occurred throughout your life. The memories of the fear you experienced as a child because of the condition are intense. You potentially could have PTSD from it. You felt like you were dying from that incident with the cough drop.

I was lucky that my symptoms only started as an adult. It took over a quarter of a century for you to receive a diagnosis. That is a lot of suffering you went through.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Danny

I haven’t read the book, but I have worked on my core values. My core values are kindness, helping, personal development, honesty, hard work, health, family and pets.

I think you’ve managed to highlight the issue you’re experiencing.

Your inner critic. It sounds like you’ve created some really high expectations for yourself.

Perfection 100% of the time.

I do like your values, doing your best, doing the right thing and honesty.

But life is complicated and people are not perfect.

If you don’t get everything you want to done, perhaps you need a small break to recharge? That isn’t really a bad thing. Self-care can help you to be at your best and maximise what you’re able to do. If you’re tired and getting stressed no one is at their best. Self care is how we refill our cups.

So you don’t like lying to customers. I think that’s fair! Are there reasons why you said that they would receive what they need in a week instead of two? Are there any other ways you can achieve what you want to achieve?

Life is complicated and white lies are very common in society. I don’t think you meant any harm but if this is something that you would like to plan on changing, you could try to.

I think when something happens that you’re not comfortable with you can reflect on it and try to figure out a better way. You did what you could in the moment. But having time to think perhaps you can find another solution that you could use with future issues?

And if it’s just the nature of the job, there’s nothing you can do about it whilst working that job. You would have to accept that it is part of the job. It won’t always be your job, there will be other jobs in the future. You are not your job and you should give yourself some grace.

Doing what is right is very subjective when it comes to your examples.

Your customer will get what they need regardless and there’s nothing wrong with eating cake. Sometimes eating cake is good self-care.

I think that your expectations for your values are idealistic but perhaps not realistic. If you were a monk, sure it would make sense. But you live in a complicated world, life is complicated. Perfection is unattainable.

All you can really do is TRY your best and that is enough. You seem like a great person! Your inner critic needs to learn to see that.

Working on self-care, self-compassion and self-acceptance could help you with that struggle with your inner critic. It sounds like you’re doing a great job as you are.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Luna

I think everyone is different. Some people are attracted to lots of people. Some people are attracted to very few people. Some people fall somewhere in the middle.

You mentioned not feeling a spark with anyone in your social circle. Where do you think you fall on the spectrum above?

Something to consider is what you would like in a partner?

I would agree that your situation is normal.

The feeling of noviceness that you mentioned. Do you mean that because of your inexperience with relationships you feel intimidated by it? Or just lacking understanding about it?

Personally, I think it took me a few years to get to grips with dating. For me there was that question of what is love? I went around a few different relationships going is this love? Nope. Maybe this is love? Kinda but nope. Until I found a partner that was actually ready for a healthy relationship.

It’s kind of a journey and when we’re young, we’re all just trying to find our why. I feel like a lot of people experience noviceness when they’re new to relationships but perhaps don’t worry about it and try to go with the flow. It sounds like you’re very self aware so you may just be a bit more introspective and tuned into your feelings than others. I know that I felt like a novice when I was starting out. I was also not attracted to very many people either. This may have been part of why it took years to get to grips with things. Whereas people who date more frequently may develop a perspective on these things more quickly.

Dating honestly depends on what you’re comfortable with. Some people like to use dating apps. Some people like to go to places where they meet new people. Some people like to go to parties. Some people like to join hobby groups.

Ultimately, the goal is to meet new people. Do any of these ideas resonate with you?

Wishing you all the best! Good luck in your dating journey! 🙏

Hi Neha

I’m so sorry to hear that you grew up not just in poverty, but also in a violent home. That must make this a very intense trigger for you since it was such a traumatic experience growing up.

As an adult you know it’s not the same situation, but I can understand why it still makes you so uncomfortable.

It sounds like you and your partner have different styles with handling money and decision making. Did he discuss this important decision of quitting his job with you first?

It sounds like you’re very cautious with money being careful to save. Whereas your partner is less cautious as he is willing to leave a job without another one lined up.

I can understand him leaving a job because he was being overworked and feeling depressed. I personally wouldn’t because like you, I’m cautious. But some people definitely do that because they have different values. It sounds like he prioritises wellbeing over security.

Has quitting the job helped his depression? I’m curious because for some people being out of work can make depression worse.

I do think it’s important to discuss the situation with him because borrowing $6000 and being in additional credit card debt is definitely concerning. At this point you both need to figure out what to do next.

Everyone is different and has different preferences. Do you have any ideas for what you would like to happen?

Personally, I would consider his usual salary and figure out how much it takes him to repay things this can help you understand the implications of the situation he is in with repaying debt.

And you need to consider your finances too because you don’t want to put yourself in a difficult position either. Realistically, you’re fairly comfortable at the moment with the amount of savings you have, but you don’t want to keep burning through them like this. It’s important to set boundaries and expectations before things go too far. You’ve been really patient and supportive, but I think you recognise at this point it needs to be discussed.

You’re right, depending on his field it can take longer. IT for example is difficult at the moment to find a job in because there are massive layoffs in that sector. Competition is intense.

Lower skilled people can also have a lot of difficulty finding a new job, again because of all of the competition.

I can tell that you love your partner. I can understand why you don’t want to stress him. However, I think you can have an empathetic and calm discussion about finances. It’s ultimately what every couple has to face. It wouldn’t hurt at this point for him to kick his search up a notch because the financial situation is becoming challenging.

It’s okay to discuss being stressed about finances in a relationship. This is something that you both can empathise with because he is no doubt stressed about it too at this point.

I don’t know if you live together or what your situation is but he may want to consider scaling down his spending. He may actually need your help going over and planning all of this stuff because you are quite good at this stuff, whereas he might not be as good with it.

I had to help my now husband, at the time fiancé with reviewing his finances because he wasn’t really aware of some of the problems he was facing.

You mentioned that the relationship is too good to lose. Is part of you afraid that he would be upset to talk about this situation? Or afraid to lose him because of it? Do you think he would be receptive to it?

Have you had any experiences in the past where people have had difficulty with discussing things like this?

I think getting engaged is fine, I was quite happy to get engaged but it is a good idea for the situation to be resolved before marriage. You have to be careful for your own future. Someone who has financial issues now, can easily find these issues reoccurring throughout the relationship. How he manages this situation now reflects how he will manage it in the future. Different couples have different ways of navigating these issues. You both need to find a way that you’re both comfortable with.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏