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HelcatParticipantHi Franco
Well, are you considering a trip to Berlin or is it a lie to talk to her? She may not understand your intent to get to know her more. She may just think that you are trying to arrange a trip. Or down the road see that you were just lying about arranging a trip if you aren’t truly arranging one.
How do you normally talk to people on social media when you aren’t trying to date them? You said that you are a social person. Treat this like a normal social situation. You are just speaking to another person. Women really enjoy being spoken to like they are just people because we are just people.
It is perfectly acceptable to strike up a conversation about travelling. To talk about places you have been to. To talk about places that you would like to go to. To ask her about all of these things.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipant*you are perfect how you are
HelcatParticipantHi Clara
It sounds like you talked about a lot in one session with your therapist.
I’m sorry to hear that your father had an explosive temper growing up. And made some harsh comments about your sexuality during a disagreement. Your sexuality is a very special part of who you are and you a perfect how you are.
Sometimes when we grow up with someone who has an explosive temper, certain things get normalised and seem like normal behaviour. And we absorb a bit of that into our personalities. Not as severely, but still a bit.
It takes time to identify when things that we have absorbed from other people arise in our minds. But once it is identified it is much easier to let go because it easy to see that it does not meet our values.
You don’t strike me as someone who wants to overreact. It happens sometimes when you ignore how you are feeling.
You seem like a kind and loving person. It is a good thing that you picked up on that you stopped going on dates and celebrating. Weekly dates are essential for fostering a pleasant relationship. They don’t always need to involve spending money. It is just about spending quality time together and being kind to each other.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantJust reminding you that there is another person who enjoyed your comments. Stephanie, I believe thanked you. So you are getting somewhere 😊 In fact, I believe that you are much close than you realise to your goal.
It may mean that you are under appreciated. But such is the nature of this place sometimes. People often only want to hear things that they agree with. It doesn’t mean that what is being said isn’t important if they are unable to deal with it at the time.
HelcatParticipantHi Tommy
I have been really enjoying talking to you as well. You might not be looking to be liked or understood, but you are going to have to put up with me liking you and understanding you.
I don’t think that you are bad at giving advice. You are still in the process of finding a way that works for you.
Honesty and being direct are good qualities that I enjoy in people. You always know where you stand and there are no games. It just takes practice and balance bringing a touch of softness. I know that it all comes from a heart of gold.
You are very open to admitting when you have made a mistake. But are overly hard on yourself when you do.
We have all made mistakes and been triggered it is not just you. We are simply human. It is a process and a journey. We live and we learn and try again next time.
The way to tell if you have seriously hurt someone is if they leave the forum. The way I see it, you are the one that is hurt right now.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantIt is possible that your friend misinterpreted you copying their level of interest as you being uninterested in the relationship.
HelcatParticipantHi Carol
It is very kind of you to rewrite a message because it was in moderation. Thank you for your efforts! 🙏
Ah so there was a reason for the visit with your friend so it doesn’t hurt as much.
I would agree that her relationship shouldn’t come at the expense of yours. It is a painful way to think of things.
I can tell how painful this drastic change to the relationship has been for you. It makes sense that you are considering ending the friendship because of how difficult and painful this has been for you.
I don’t really like changes in friendship either.
I had a friend go through some difficulties at the same time I was going through difficulties. I supported them and they didn’t even bother to ask how I was. Before all of this we would talk about lot and it was more even. But it became very uneven. It was upsetting. It is a shame but we no longer talk anymore. I am glad that I did eventually discuss it with them and get closure.
Do you feel nervous about sending the message because it might end the relationship? Quite a high chance in the scenarios mentioned by Anita.
I know that you were happy for a time to even receive a late message.
These things can be hard and scary. But you do deserve to have your feelings heard.
If you are looking for a potentially more positive outcome vulnerability can be good as people respond to it positively. It might look something like.
I really value our friendship over the years. I have been finding it hard and missing you since we haven’t been spending as much time on each other now that you’re in a relationship. How have you been feeling about this?
It is really up to you though. If you think potentially the relationship is worth being emotionally vulnerable, or if you would prefer to voice your feelings freely yet politely and respectfully.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Debs
Aww thank you, you are an angel! 😇❤️
That is honestly fair if your heart wasn’t in dating before. Dating can be difficult. It is very much a numbers game and there can be a lot of people who aren’t a good match. If you have a clear idea of what you do and don’t want in a relationship that can be helpful.
The good thing is now that you are aware of differences between actions and words that you can take this knowledge with you into other relationships and it will protect you.
I don’t know if you have experienced this? One thing that is a common issue in dating are people who try to bond overly quickly. Some might be trying to impress, some might be trying to keep interest, some might be a bit unstable. The difficulty is that level of effort is generally unsustainable, so you can potentially bond with someone who isn’t going to behave in the original way later on. It is good to protect your heart until you know each other better.
Have fun with your research on schemas! I agree, this forum is a wonderful place to talk to kind strangers.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Franco
I agree with your friend. I remember the first time I spoke to my husband. He liked my accent and would get nervous when I spoke. So, to make him comfortable I mostly asked questions to encourage him to speak, so he would not feel as nervous. It didn’t put me off that he was nervous, it just meant that he liked me and that was nice being liked enough for someone to be nervous.
When I am nervous, there is another way that is helpful to reframe it. I am excited because something good might come of this.
I also like to prepare when I am nervous. No caffeine or sugar before. Sometimes I drink chamomile tea. Shake my body for 30 seconds to a couple of minutes (longer is more effective). Do 10 big yawns. Massage the base of the skull and back of the neck. Splash cold water on my face. These things are science based and very helpful for regulating the nervous system and calming down quickly.
I like your idea of discussing Berlin. It was a good idea to prepare some conversation to make you less nervous too. Well done on staying positive and preparing to give things another try. 😊
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Clara
The best way to deal with feeling pain about hurting someone is to learn from it, apologise and commit to changing.
Figuring out where you learned hurtful behaviours can be helpful too when it comes to forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself is important.
Sometimes when a person has habits of blaming themselves they are very sensitive to anything they might perceive as blame. I have had this issue with myself and my partner.
Things happen and sometimes people feel certain things. Sometimes feelings are a result of insecurities that arise. Feelings of insecurity that arose in situations are mentioned and they might see it as blame. The best way I found to deal with this is do directly say “I am feeling this and it has nothing to do with you. I am not blaming you for it, it is just a feeling that arose in this moment.”
I also had difficulties with overreacting. The way I learned to deal with this was by identifying disproportionate thoughts and feelings. Feelings are not always right, they are quite often just there. It is not your partner’s job to make you feel better every time a random hurt feeling comes up. By understanding when a feeling didn’t fit the situation. I found it easier to disentangle those feelings from my partner which enabled me to deal with them myself and made it easier to let go of.
I think it should be pointed out that your partner’s reaction is also part of her pattern, it is not just a result of pain from her interactions with you. A lot of people feel hurt in relationships and not everyone chooses to go on a break.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Tommy
I will have to check out that video. My husband is a wrestling fan! Are you sure that you could see him on that video? 😂 (I hope that you have heard of this joke).
Yes, my son is still a baby and already I’m thinking of his future. How to protect him from the world. Realistically, I think that we can only do so much and will have to teach him to fight and help him learn to heal.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories of your daughter growing up! ❤️ It is very touching that she wanted to stay home with you instead of go to daycare and shows what a good father you are. It sounds like you and your wife have done everything that you possibly could to take care of your daughter in the best way.
That is a good way to think of you daughter, as different. I’m sorry to hear that your wife has had difficulty accepting the learning disability and has looked for blame. It is amazing that your daughter has graduated high school and now she is interviewing for colleges! I can see how proud you are and all of the care with her schooling has paid off. 😊
Time really does fly when you have a child. It reminds me of when I was a child and struggled to pay attention to something on tv for 5 minutes. It seemed like it was much longer to me at the time. Now, it feels like this past year is gone in a blink.
My first memories with my son were mid surgery so I was a bit out of it. He clung to me so tiny, fragile and beautiful. I was afraid to feed him, but he wasn’t afraid. He knew what to do. He’s always been a smart boy and driven.
He learned to give proper kisses yesterday instead of an open mouthed slobber. About time, he was starting to copy the dogs and licked me on the cheek recently. 😂
Since his crawling he has been hitting his face off of everything. He randomly drops himself to the ground when he gets tired or wants to look at something. I tried to teach him to catch himself and protect his head.
I have a movement based learning difficulty. It makes me wonder if he has it too. I don’t mind too much if he does have it. At least we could get him help early.
Please don’t be too hard on yourself for earlier.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Peter
I can see the beauty in a cerebral style, as with any other. We are all different and beautiful in our own unique ways. Yet at the same time similar.
Krishnamurti is an excellent choice! My husband is a fan of his. I also enjoy Dipa Ma. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of her?
Ooh I don’t know about right brain and left brain stuff. My brain doesn’t work in a co-ordinated way. It gets confused and mixed up. Just how I’m wired.
I think that things are hard to understand until experienced. Or at least until there is more awareness.
People have such different experiences across the world and it is like Alice in Wonderland sometimes. We imagine that our experience is the only one. Other experiences different from ours are like a television show sometimes, abstract.
I think that esoteric writing can be like that. Reading the Confucian Analects, over the years my understanding changes each time I learn something new I think I actually understand what that means now.
So I wouldn’t worry about judgement. It evolves as we learn. It sounds like you are experiencing these changes of awareness and understanding too.
I enjoy Koans, but I don’t have the patience for them. 😂
It’s good to hear that you weren’t offended. It can be challenging to see through feelings when they get brought up. You handled things well and managed to understand his intent.
I don’t believe that Tommy meant harm. I know lots of people who speak like that. Rough around the edges, direct and speaking his mind honestly. Some might say a bit too honest. 😂
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantOh and I forgot to add. I put this at the top of my message the first time I wrote it. It’s nice to see you around again Peter. I always enjoy your posts. 😊
HelcatParticipantTalking about enlightenment. I have heard some things about it.
There are multiple stages to it. It involves physical energy cultivation practices. Masters often die once they achieve it. Often royalty or monks. It takes many lifetimes. Ultimately, choosing to end the cycle of rebirth.
These things don’t interest me because they are dictated by karma. A lot of texts are not originally meant for our understanding.
Good health is required for physical energy cultivation and fitness is required for good health. Conversely, energy cultivation practices are good for health.
Calmness might be seen as a state of mind but according to TCM calmness is a sign of good health and correct organ function. Not being calm is a sign of poor health and organ dysfunction. Calmness is needed for energy cultivation practices as it affects qi in various ways.
There are many kinds of meditation which do different things. I’ve only done two kinds of stillness meditation; one to build high quality qi, another to let go.
I hope that you recover quickly from COVID Anita. ❤️
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Meriaten Tasherit
I’m sorry to hear that you have severe chronic pain that feels like needles and fire. 5 years is a long time to be living with a condition like that. It must be difficult. Have you found any ways to cope with the pain?
I’m sorry to hear that you were assaulted at a train station and as a result even your eyebrows hurt.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 