Hi Jane,
If I may share my opinion, even though I don’t know you or your daughter… It sounds to me like your daughter’s behavior has changed and that is more the issue than a birthday card and not following through with a promise to get together.
You talked about her boyfriend and that signaled an alarm for me, the relationship with the boyfriend may be part of the real issue here. Is he changing her? Is she changing because of him? Is he controlling? What is going on with your once close relationship with your daughter?
This concerns me too. I have had it happen with friends. It is cause for concern. If a partner (boyfriend, spouse, etc.) is a healthy match they will be supportive of their loved ones relationship with anyone who is positive and makes them healthy (in this case you).
My only suggestion is to bring it up to her as positively as you can. Are you concerned she might become angry with you and cut off communications? That may happen, but if you do it from a place of love and support instead of hurt about how she was not considerate toward you it may help you both.

– Chris

Dear Sue,
I have had some wonderful friends who have helped me through a few breakups. Support from your friends can be very helpful. Talking to them instead of contacting him, writing in a journal or writing “no send letters” (the ones you write to him and painfully honest but you never send) can be fantastically therapeutic. I only know of AA through friends and I know it can be the key to long term sobriety – keep that in mind and connect with positive, supportive people who keep you steady.

I have learned a few things about relationships I would like to share. Feeling “SAFE” can really mean you find a relationship “FAMILIAR”. What you found with this man sounds like a close replication of what you had in your family of origin. That was abusive and damaging so this relationship may be the same. We often join relationships that are familiar and unfortunately they are not happy ones.

When I was mourning the end of my very first love relationship a wise woman said to me “there is a big difference between love and attachment.” I have never forgotten her words. Is is love or attachment to a familiar pattern of living?

Make sure you care for yourself first. If you are healthy, making positive connections with friends and sober you will find life has a lot to offer you. Believe me I have been single for a long time so I am not saying with confidence “you will find your true love”, that sounds false when you are going through such pain, but I do know no relationship is much better than a relationship that makes you feeling “less than” the smart, wonderful, caring, beautiful soul you are.

Take care of yourself!