I don’t even know where to begin…except for I am so happy I found this page. I recently got out of a on again off again 6 1/2 year emotionally, mentally and physically abusive relationship and am trying to remain strong in staying away from him but I some how keep finding myself going back to him.

When he and I met 6 1/2 years ago, it was literally love at first sight. There was an instant connection the moment he and I met. We were together the entire night talking and sharing stories. We moved in together after 3 months of dating. We were so in love and so obsessed with each other. Little things started happening here and there that I just let slide and over looked because I loved him so much. I ended up kicking him out for something I honestly could’ve handled better myself, a few weeks later he moved back in. We were engaged by Christmas and I was thrilled! I forgot to mention I have a son from a previous relationship who was 2 at the time. So I was beyond excited that he would have someone to look up to as a role model since his dad isn’t the most involved.

From 2010-2012 we broke up 3 times and he moved out each time, however we still were together. 2012 he bought a home for me and my son in the school district that I was hoping to get him into. So my son and I moved in there. 2014 I moved out because I had enough of the put downs and the constantly feeling like I wasn’t good enough, however 6 months later I moved back in. Things were great for the first 2 months. Then he started going to the bars with his friends 2-4 times a week. He and I would bicker, he’d tell me to get out of “HIS HOUSE”. I start packing and he’d lay a guilt trip on me, “are you sure this is what you want to do? You’re ok with never seeing me again?” So I’d unpack and stay. There were constant judgments from him on everything. My son was too loud, he didn’t sit still enough, he didn’t have good manners, I was told repeatedly that I was fat, lazy, disgusting, I never worked for anything in my life, I had everything handed to me, I didn’t know what real work was, sitting behind a computer typing all day isn’t a real job, I don’t do anything around the house, my mommy and daddy do everything for me. The list goes on and on. I felt I was constantly defending myself. Yes, I gained 70 pounds but a lot of it was from stress of my job working in a Legal department and the stress of the relationship so I turned to food to nurture myself. So yes, in turn with gaining that much weight I became lazy on top of being drained all the time from the arguments. I have been working since I was 14. I became a single mom at 22. I worked a part-time job at a factory. My parents helped me with my son so I could go to school, get a degree and better myself. I moved up in the company I was at, went from part-time to full-time, was promoted from factory to office from receptionist to international markets assistant to legal assistant to paralegal. I went back to school to get my paralegal studies diploma…yet I have never worked for anything in my life? Like I said, I had to constantly defend myself. There ended up being so much anger and resentment on both our parts that we just argued about everything and anything. I had not liked the person I turned into. I used to be positive, driven, focused, financially responsible, in shape. All that was gone. I was sad, depressed, negative, miserable, confused, depleted, gained 70 pounds, and accrued over $20K in credit card debt…I had lost myself. It all came to a head when he and I talked and agreed we’d work on the relationship and put it first and that he’d stop going to the bars. Well that lasted all of 5 days. That weekend he asked if he could go to the bar with his friend, I said no, so he got mad and slept in the spare room, one of his many punishments, ignoring me, avoiding me, not talking to me… The next day I thought I’d be nice and take him and my son to a motorcycle museum. As soon as we woke up that day I knew we were in for a not so fun day, he was in a “mood”. If he was in a mood it determined the whole day and how me and my son could act and talk, you know, walking on egg shells. My ex was irritated with how my son was acting. He’s 8 now and was worried about falling thru the openings in the stairs so my ex stayed mad at that. At dinner my ex wouldn’t even talk to us, he zoned out on the TV. One of the many things he’d do, zone out on the TV or his phone to avoid interacting with me and my son. My ex didn’t like a question my son asked and had told him he was “fucking stupid”. So I was pissed and told him it was uncalled for. The car ride home was a nightmare. I didn’t say a word. So he had to mock me, “oh look at me, I’ve got my bitch face on and I’m going to keep it on all day.” The next day is when all hell broke loose. I tried talking to him about what he had said to my son and then about the car ride home. He got mad and upset and left. He went to the neighbor’s to help with a fence so he was gone all day. I talked to him in the afternoon and hadn’t heard anything after that. I came home from my parents and he wasn’t home. I tried calling and calling and texting and texting and got no response. I thought to myself, “I bet he’s at the bar.” So I hop in my car and go for a ride. Sure enough, he’s at the bar. So I walk in, see him hugging on another woman…which obviously pissed me off because I wasn’t getting any sort of attention or affection from him. I ask him to come outside, we start arguing. I asked him why he was hugging that girl when he won’t hug me, his response, “why would I?” so I shoved him, he came back and punched me in the stomach, I turn around to leave and he’s pushing me to my car repeatedly. I get in my car, he tells me to take my fat ass home, I slapped him in the face and he close fist punched me in the face. So no thinking, purely reacting I called the cops. The cops come, he’s arrested for OWI and battery. That night I started moving my stuff out into my parents. This happened in September. He and I have had some contact. He tried getting a harassment restraining order against me which was dropped because there was no grounds for it. He and I have been in contact a lot since Thanksgiving and the month of December. I wanted him back, was practically begging him to take me back, just as I had begged in our relationship for him to love me and spend time with me…how pathetic. He constantly makes me feel like I am all at fault for what happened with him getting arrested. Yes, I called the cops but had he not punched me in the face I wouldn’t have had to. Had he not gone to the bar I wouldn’t have showed up there. I told him I am working on emotional control and of course that’s used against me and thrown in my face because I’m “CRAZY!”. Yet he doesn’t look at anything he’s done. Going into a rage throwing things off my dresser into walls and punching doors, kicking doors down, bashing my head into a window, throwing a water filled punching bag at my chest, pushing me into a tub, choking me, flipping me off a chair…none of that is crazy? Yesterday I had had it with him. We talked on the phone, he wanted me to think of why I loved him and get back to him. He was suppose to do the same. After work we talked, I told him my reasons of why I love him, his response “those are mine too.” So he obviously didn’t think of anything because he doesn’t love me, right? We talk and of course it turns into an argument and back and forth of what happened the night he went to jail, he did this and I did that, he said this and I said that, it becomes a battle of who’s right and who’s wrong. Well he told me I was crazy for coming up to the bar and I just lost it. I said “fuck you! I’m done! God luck with everything” and hung up. So of course the text messages start flowing in, “you are crazy!”, “You’re such a bitch”, “you’re never going to change”, “you’re the most selfish, self centered person I know!”, “I feel sorry for the next bastard that gets stuck with you!”, “go ruin someone else’s life!”, “Don’t contact me, I won’t contact you!”…on top of 6 calls within 3 minutes. I didn’t respond to any texts or phone calls. I had to go into my part-time job. He called me once while I was there.

I guess the whole point to my rant is, how can I STAY AWAY for good???? Each time I start to make progress with my weight-loss and emotional well-being, I get pulled back into the drama with him! Now because all of this happened yesterday, I woke up with a headache and tension in my neck/shoulders on top of eating everything in sight! This is the pattern of what happens when he and I argue. It truly isn’t healthy for me, him and especially my son. How can I get to the point of not needing him!? And being OK with myself??? I was doing counseling but it got to be too expensive. I have friends that I vent to but I feel like they’re not going to want to hear about this all the time. Any help would be appreciated!!!!!