Thank you so very much for your reply, i am new to many of the concepts you have included and wish to properly understand everything you have said and try to embrace all that you have communicated. I will most certainly look into the meditation you have mentioned, my mind craves stillness often, especially when in turmoil as now. I have spent my life surrounded by animals, i work as a veterinary nurse and volunteer as a rehabilitator for sick and neglected animals, my hearts heavy with the suffering i see and the limitations i have in how much i can do for them or how many i can care for. All my life i wanted to fund myself in order to be able to dedicate my time to the cause, and of course selfishness does come into play as this is what makes mg heart happy and this is the capacity in which i feel true fulfillment despite the horrors and sadness. For every little one i cant help i feel more and more distraught. I grew up idolising the activists out there who travel the world volunteering their services, but my past mistakes mean i cant fund this. I have ties holding me and financial restrictions. I do all that i can and i understand that i should take more gratification from this, but i feel empty. My job requires me to act in a way that heavily opposes my deeply ingrained morals and i find the struggle too much at times. Again, explaining my deepesg feelings is difficult, but this is what ifeel i am meant to be doing yet i am held back and prevented from doing so as i need to work and keep a roof over our heads. I wished to make enough money to fund travels to volunteer while seeing as much of this beautiful world as possible. It did t happen and i see that i need to accept and be at peace with how things are. With this troubling me, other areas of my life such as my relationship seem unsurmountsble problems and even more of an obstacle. i have no doubts where my heart lies and where i can find true happiness, and being a very practical person, i get frustrated that i havnt enabled this and think of the creatures that continue to suffer for want of someone like me to keep them safe…in short, i feel i am being kept away from my calling in life and i dont understand why and resent myself for not better preparing.
Forgive my unfamiliarity with the concepts you mention, i so greatly appreciate the time you have taken to reply to me in such a beautiful and kind way. Tonight my mind set is very bad, tomorrow i hope for a better day and a little more clarity for me to absorb yojr words and implement your advice.

My heartfelt thanks again,

Hayley