Matt,
I wish I could truly express my gratitude for the kind, helpful, touching and insightful words you have shared with me. For the first time in my life I truly feel not alone. You described to a T the way I’ve been feeling. The saying “A weight off my chest” is how I feel after reading your words. I’ve never felt this before, I’ve been carrying the same heavy weight around for as long as I can remember until now. I feel great relief.

I’ve never interacted with people the way I notice people interact, especially in a group setting. I’ve never really been able to express and share my ideas, I’ve always had trouble expressing myself. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember, but now I can make some sense of it. I remember often people disliking me and thinking I was a bad person and I couldn’t understand why, but now I see I was just seriously misunderstood due to my lack of expression and the fact I was carrying around so many dark secrets.

I know exactly what you’re talking about, when I was being molested as a child, I too went back to my abuser. And when I was sexually assaulted as a young teen, I again went back to my abuser because this person was one of the only “friends” I had at the time. I had just moved to a new school and they were the first person to offer me ‘friendship’ and I thought because this person wanted to sleep with me it was love. I’ve pretty much grasped the concept that it was not. After I finally cut this person off, he pretty much turned everyone against me at school, telling them I was a whore etc. etc. I struggled with the fact that I kept going back to this person after what they had done to me the first time, and the fact that i let it happen a number of other times after that.

I have opened up to people but when it comes to the sexual assault… Sadly many people do not understand. They can’t understand why I went back. But your words have really helped me understand it much better and I know that I am not alone and I now know there is a path to heal, to get unstuck from the pain.

And I get what you mean about the boundaries. This is something I don’t do that I will start doing, today. I’m always asking people what they want/need and I never express my own wants/needs and I’ve noticed this frustrates people. Others really take advantage of it and before I know it I’m doing something I totally do not have any desire to do.

I am going to take your suggestions and check out the TED talk and the movie as well, I know it’s different to see you have healing to do and to actually take action to heal. Like you said it takes courage.

I have not been able to really open up and have a good free flowing conversation in a long time, purely because of fear. It’s sometimes a struggle and I feel restless, that tastelessness you’re taking about, when it comes to knowing I’m going to have to communicate and often times it’ll stop me from doing anything where I’ll be in a group setting, but I do always feel better when I try than when I just stay alone.

I’ve been looking into holistic solutions to heal my PTSD and if you have any suggestions about this I would love to hear them! And also how I can stop the self-sabotaging behavior I’ve developed.

Namaste.
In love and light,
Crissy

Hello dear S,
Thank you for your response. Although It’s important to take personal responsibility (because this is giving yourself the power to change) of course, everything cannot be all your fault. Some things just are. It’s all what you take from it right?
Sorry to hear about what you have recently experienced, but I’m glad to hear that you’re mother listened to how you felt, that’s great! And I am the same, I am anti-pharmaceutical.
I will volunteer, I think that’s a wonderful idea and it’s selfless. Why not take the time to do something so wonderful right?
You seem very kind S, thanks again for taking the time to respond to me, it means a lot.
Love and light to you