Dear Anita and Brandy,

Thanks for your comments and views. During this days I’ve been thinking about what happened and I do believe I made the right decision. As I mentioned before, after doing a personal search on myself three years ago I found out that I have characteristics of being Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and also and Empath. Which definitely explains things of the past, and I have been working to not make the same mistakes in the past. Me being so open with this girl was something new for me, expressing my feelings was not something so common in me. Also putting my emotions first is something that hadn’t happened before, especially because I tend to believe in the goodness of people and that they can change. It’s what moves me in life (I’m a humaniarian worker, so my motor is the believe that change can happen).

I will not lie, their are moments I see all that I did as good and see what you wrote and believe I made the right action. Other moments, I ask myself if really all this is related to her not being ready after breaking up with her ex, thinking that I should be more patience and support her. But emotionally all this was exhausting because I don’t understand all those mix signals that she sends and thought that she would support the idea of not doing it so we could continue to be friends and see that this could work out.

Actually, one thing that also had me thinking, was that she had closed her Facebook and Instagram accounts, and said to me she did it as a stage of letting go her ex and disconnect from the social media that was a temptation to write to him (I thought this was a good sign). One day after this, I saw she opened her FB account again and had actually put a web history with a nice picture of her. This got me thinking “why would she do this? who does she want to see the picture?”). In which case I believe that she is fishing in the ocean all the options she has (which she can do, its her life), not only her ex but other guys here, and decided that I don’t want to be in this situation.

More important, she knew about me being HSP, I spoke with her about this in the first month, but I guess she didn’t care much what it means, because everytime something bothered her, she would claim to me the problem was me being too sensitive. Lucky for me, this happened now and not years ago, when I have done my own inner search and understand that this isn’t a problem, and whoever loves me will do it with my sensitive side. So I didn’t allow those comments to get into my head, I would just let them go through. But it also means that I feel more deeply my emotions, so you can imagine all this hits me emotionally hard because it felt really nice and happy when we shared moments, and now I’m trying that it doesn’t blind me of the other bad things that happened.

I will take this a day at a time and will see what happens next time we cross, because as I mentioned before, we have many friends in common. But yes, I’m proud of how I manage this and will try to keep my head up. Thanks again for all your support.

Gustavo

Dear Anita:

All your words and recommendations are actually as I think and I’m thankful. Definitely, going day at a time because I don’t understand her intentions in this moment and I hope not to get to that point were my expectations grow again and will be a problem. If I’ve been transparent, I would expect the same about her, but maybe she isn’t ready yet or has doubts. Maybe she didn’t expect me to accept her decision and allow her the space she needed, taking a step back. Difficult to know.

For now, trying to practice patience (easier said than done) and see what exactly she wants, respecting more the distance and allowing each other to have space. She already knows how I feel and if something would happen I expect that it would come from her showing that she also wants to give us a chance.

Gustavo

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Gustavo.

Anita,

Definitely learning is always an option and all this days I’ve been thinking about it. I don’t feel regret about expressing, but I appreciate your example because you do point about how I could had said things different and it’s true.

Their is an update and for me an example of why it’s hard to understand what this girl wants. Last Friday we crossed in a restaurant with some friends and she was there. I said hello friendly, but not “over friendly” and then left with my group. Later she wrote to me asking why I was different with her, but I assured that nothing to worry. Next day she wrote inviting me for a coffee in the afternoon and we ended up talking for almost six hours, she even said we could go for dinner, which I accepted. After that I left for a party with Some friends and she went home. Then Sunday we crossed again jogging and she ended up staying with me like two hours walking and speaking, and even invited me to go for lunch with her and a friend, but I said I already had lunch at home and plans to watch a movie with other friends.

I’m taking it day at a time, not expecting much because she was clear the first time. I’m working in learning of this and concentrate on myself, but then this things happen and I don’t know what to think or what exactly does she want. For now I continue to respect her process and allow us to have some distance (better for both of us), but now that she took the first steps for us to do things together again, not sure if we should do it (I’m worried that its attachment from her side, which I know it won’t end good if I allow that door to open).

Gustavo

Dear Anita,

I knew all the time the risk I was taking. I got divorced four years ago and know that someone needs space and time to heal. Definitely rejection hurts, but as I told her, as long as she can follow her path and find her happines, she has all my support on her decision and I will respect it.

Relationships depend in two and I’m not sure that we should always get away when someone is not ready. I mean it because long time ago I was the one that was going for a break up and even a depression, and a girl was there with me for months, not forcing things, but being transparent that she had feelings for me. After 8 months of waiting, we actually ended up together and this relationship lasted for seven years (actually, one of my most beautiful relationships i’ve ever had). For this reason I thought that being a close friend, but transparent of my feelings, could work if I was patient (obviously, knowing the risk).

I don’t regret being transparent of my feelings when their was a moment of us passing time together (which included us speaking that I also understood that she needs space for her process to heal and that I couldn’t expect more than a friendship for now), but definitely agree that now all I can do is to let her go. It does hurt a lot and I believe in me needing time to process the feeling.

To give some context about me, after my divorce I did my own personal journey to find answers about my life. I found out that many of my characteristics are related to me having sings related to being an Empath and even in many cases also Highly Sensitive People (HSP). Good to know today all this, gave me answers to much of my past and tools to “manage” my emotions, but it’s still a little difficult when dealing with relationships and the deep emotions I feel. Specially, when the other person probably don’t understand this and see this as a sign of weakness, attachment or probably of me rushing. Guess I’m still learning, but trust me, the Gustavo in the past wouldn’t had express his feelings to a girl at all unless being pretty sure of the other person’s feelings. But end of the day, I understand her and know that it was probably wrong to expect her to act like me in my similar experience.

Gustavo