Hi again, this is Danie new logon.

I am struggling really. I am feeling the years of paint layers coming off me as I start to visualize the armor of self defences I had built around me, what a monster I created trying to defend myself from perceived attacks (wether existant or not).

I was a tender balloon in a world of cacti and I did build an armor full of my own needles to fight back, only to find myself now being the cactus and others (lovers, family, strangers) being the balloons….

I was (and still knee jerk towards, despite my efforts…) agressive, critical, jugemental, quick to judgement, inflexible, arrogant, insitant, stubborn and bacsically hounding people to exhaustion and those were the lucky ones !

I am bereft that this is who I became, because it was not supposed to happen. I have a big heart, huge. I have given SO MUCH to try to counter balance for what I felt was so wrong without being able to know what it was…I was totally blind, I was struggling to keep my head above the water grabbing on to anything to prevent me drowning.

I managed to alienate every single person (suitors) who would ever help me by driving them away while crying that they were leaving. Leaving because I was building prisons around them, manipulating them in order to TRY and guarantee myself that they would feel compelled to stay (overly generous, trying to isolate them from others, trying to make myself indispensable etc)…

The new me saw clearly and needs to make her sea legs….this is not easy

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by growingpain.