It has a rough growing up, wishing my father was here. I always thought maybe if I would of stayed with my grandparents I would of had a different life, not so much pain and tears. I find myself crying myself by self and I think to myself it’s this how life is suppose to be? Thank you for listening and hearing me out. I just feel like people are cruel and they take advantage of you. I know I allowed it and I want to change to love myself. Learn to one day find happiness within myself and not depend on no one else.

Dear Anita,

• Yes, he is the same person. We hardly ever argued, and when we did, it was because he said I nagged to the point I would keep it bottled in just, because I did not want to argue or him get the idea I was not grateful. Although, that day that I got drunk on Thanksgiving, I said ” he could finally find himself a nice black girl”, I  didn’t mean it to sound so cruel and those words sounded so hurtful, specially via text message. I just felt he was embarrassed of me since the previous women he dated were brought around his family, were African American. I have never acted out like that towards someone I care about, but that day I felt used and humiliated. Yes, he would take me out to eat here and there, but I had to ask even beg.  He would say I was bipolar after I would state my opinion. For example, I would ask was going on or that if I never called him he would not make the effort then he would go on to say that I “nothing was ever good enough or he was not s***, or he would say I was bipolar or I was extra”. Was it bad for stating your feelings? But yes you are correct, that is how I am feeling and I am trying to forgive myself for expressing myself since I wouldn’t allow myself stand up for myself. I only wanted to be loved and appreciated that I was forcing something to work that I knew deep down that relationship had no future. Yet, I cannot stop thinking that it is my fault and I deserved it. Is this normal? Was it all my fault? Am I this cruel human being?

I’m sorry I was very emotional when I wrote this. We weren’t fighting at all the issue was that I felt like I was ignored. Which wasn’t the first time that I had brought it up. One time he made the mistake of making the comment that he had “priorities”, and it made me feel like I was just there for entertainment and I asked him , “where does that leave me?”. His reply was that he couldn’t believe I was saying that to him, and that I knew how he felt about me.

When I say he doesn’t love me it’s because I believe when you love someone you fight for that person and you try to make it work.  I only agreed to a break, because I love him.