Dear Anita,

“So, you see, I didn’t advise you against talking to her/ sharing your feelings with her. I expressed a wish that you were emotionally okay with letting it go because actions speak louder than words. and her actions in the last year include repeatedly  taking 12 days or more to reply to your texts.”

Sorry, I misinterpreted your reply. I understand better now 🙂

“Here are a few possibilities as to when/ how she replies to your message, and perhaps you can prepare yourself to these possibilities: (1) she may take 12 days or more to reply; she may reply on the same day, or anywhere in between,”

Thank you for your thoughtfulness, I am aware of these possibilities : if she takes days to reply, I guess I will have my answer.

“she may reply saying something like this: oh, I am so sorry, I was so wrapped up in my relationship that I neglected our friendship and keeping it separate from my relationship. I am  inviting you to meet my boyfriends and his/ our friends for a cookout on (date). Would you like that?“

It would seem quite sudden, especially as we haven’t really been emotionally close in a long time. I think I would need some time one on one to rebuilt the friendship. Does that make sense ?

“she may get defensive, saying something like: well, I’ve been very busy, I can’t be everything for everyone!”

“she may reply but ignore the content of your message.”

In both cases, I will give up on the friendship.

Sometimes, I think the last one is the most likely to happen.

But I will find some peace in the fact that I have tried the best I could to salvage our friendship.

Sorry, I realize I didn’t complete a sentence.

I wanted to say : “I feel like what we have now is a shell of what it used to be

Dear Helcat,

Thank you so much !

Yes, it could be the result of her being in an unhealthy relationship. But she has another close friend who lives 5 hours away. She had to visit our city a few times since January and I know they saw each other. I am not certain this friend had met her boyfriend, but I have faith that if there was anything fishy going on, this friend would have noticed ! I am saying this because she’s a really intelligent, protective and assertive person and she has a strong personality.

So it’s as if I am relying on her to keep an eye on my friend. I don’t know if that makes sense ?

It is true that we never know how things are underneath the surface. I sincerely hope that she is in a happy and fulfilling relationship, I prefer her to be blissfully in love and ignoring me, than knowing she’s stuck in an abusive relationship.

“After 15 years of close friendship, I bet she misses you and is aware of the drifting. For whatever reason, she is holding back. I will add that people who aren’t cared about aren’t texted at all. Perhaps there is a fear that the relationship will drift even more in the future?”

I don’t necessarily think she does not care about me at all.  Just that her relationship took precedence over everything in her life and that she does not view me as important as before.

When you talk about this fear, are you referring to mine or hers ?

“It is healthy to invest your time and energies in people who invest in you. I’m glad that focusing on that is helping.”

Thank you.

So would you personally advise me anything to do besides this ?

Thanks again ! 🙂

Anita,

Thank you for your reply, it was painful to read but necessary and eye-opening.

It’s true that since she spends all of her free time with him and his friends, I don’t feel like I am a part of her world anymore !

When I saw her, I remember she mentioned that she went out of her way so that her boyfriend’s friends would appreciate her : one of his friends didn’t like her, so she bought him his favorite snack etc …

So yes, I think you are very right !

I remember that when she mentioned this, I felt like you said, that she did that to solidify his relationship with him. She was more caring towards his friends than me lol.

Anyway, to reply to your last sentence : I value the friendship we used to have. We talk too sporadically now, I think, to be considered close friends ?

Also, she rarely confides in me now. Just last may, we used to text at least twice a week, sharing our deepest thoughts or random things that happened in our day to day lives. We hung out as well and we always had a great time.

Now, we are less close. I don’t even know how I can be here for her because she does not seem to confide in me. The conversation is more shallow, I don’t know much about her relationship, she does not give me any updates about her life (meeting her in laws, traveling with him etc …).

I always learn this when we catch up 6 weeks after the fact.

Sorry, I am digressing.

What I am trying to say is : I feel like she has put less efforts in this friendship, as a result, I (rightfully) did the same, and now things are different.

Would the informations I added invalidate how I am feeling ?

Sometimes, I am still doubting and thinking that I am the one who’s too high maintenance ?

Sorry, there is a lot of self-doubt in this process, especially on the rare occasions where she texts me.

Thank you so much for your reply 🙂

I will come back and elaborate further

Just to give you an update : my friend has texted me this morning asking how I was !

And also, I would like to add a nuance here : even though everything I wrote Is true and my bond with this friend has greatly suffered this past year, a few times (2 to 3, I think), I went to her for advice and she did try to help me.

One time, it was about my sister who was sexually assaulted (yes, that’s awful) and I know she’s more knowledgeable in this department, so I asked her about the procedure and she replied fast.

2 other times, I was confiding in her by texts in February and she replied to some of my texts (not all) 2 to 3 weeks after.

So even though she’s been way less supportive, at some point, she did reply to my texts.

Sorry, I have to travel by bus but I will get back to you as soon as I can and I will give you a proper answer 🙂

Thanks again to both of you !!

That’s painful to read, but I appreciate your honesty Anita.

So thank you very much

Is there a specific part of my post that makes you think we are no longer “friends” but more acquaintances ?

Also, I don’t really know if I should talk to her about this or just let it go ?

Sometimes, I think it’s a bad idea but other times, I feel like I would at least like to clear the air just in case there has been a misunderstanding ?

Maybe I could to share my feelings with her, in a non accusatory way, and to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her space to express hers ?

I want to write her something like this : (English is not my first language, so I apologize for my grammar)

“Hey, I wouldn’t be being true to myself and how I’ve been feeling if I didn’t mention something to you. I feel like things changed between us and I would like to talk about it because I value our friendship.

I know you have a boyfriend and I am very happy for you !

Not to sound insecure, but I noticed you pulled back this year.

As a result, I also started to focus on other friendships. I notice you don’t necessarily keep me informed on what is going on into your life, so I started to do the same.

And also, you seem to compartmentalize things since I have never met your boyfriend nor his friends, and I understand, it is your prerogative !

But I would like to know what you expect from me and this friendship ? I am a bit lost. ”

I certainly don’t want her to feel “coerced” or “forced” to meet my needs, so I am not sure if it’s a good idea to write her this …