Hi Anita, hope you’re well.

I understand, I also felt /feel guilty a lot of times for some choices that I made, but as I look back it was just me learning and doing my best with the knowledge I had. Thanks for clearing up your point of view in the previous message. I do want to make choices which never leave me feeling guilty.

I have been thinking about breaking up with SS, she’s nice but it’s been some months since we started dating, and I don’t feel such a strong connection, it’s nice and non toxic but it’s not that strong. I still miss EN a lot and I want a connection like I had with her. That may take some time to find, but I hope it’ll come my way when I’m ready.

EN and I spoke over normal calls for 4 months and I fell in love with her by just those talks, her brain, her way of thinking and etc. It was never just about how beautiful she is. I know I may be rambling on about her but I’m deeply confused about what went wrong. At one moment she expressed her feelings and in another moment she just let me go. I don’t want to make the wrong choice again about breaking up with SS and then feel guilty although I feel breaking up is the right thing to do.

What are your thoughts on this Anita?

Thanks

Hi Anita

Yes, goals are important right now.

To be true in really don’t feel like journalising anything about her. I don’t want to do go through that at the moment, don’t really know why but I don’t.

Hope you’re doing well Anita.

Thanks

Hi Anita

It’s kind of you to re-read our whole conversation again. There hasn’t been any news with EN. I still do miss her alot and many times I just think about her. Sometimes I feel like just texting her again out of the blue, but that will be really illogical.

Apart from that I met someone else. I met her in February before I sent that message to EN. This new person let’s call her SS. She’s nice and sweet and she’s smart too. It’s been going well with her till now but I haven’t come into a relationship with her right now. I’m still thinking about it.

Apart from that my life has taken a busy turn and I’m much more focused on my goals at the moment.

Hope you’re doing well Anita.

Thanks

Hi Anita,

Thanks again. I sent the above message with some small modifications. Sadly, she isn’t looking forward to a friendship, saying her new boyfriend may feel uncomfortable. I didn’t force her to think again and I’m accepting the situation. I had strong and have really positive feelings about her but looks like it’s time for something better.

Hi Anita, thanks again for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it.

Yes I do understand this tactic and i dont really appreciate it, its better to be truthful or honest like you dont feel a connection or the long distance is bothering me.

But these feelings were not as strong throughout the 3 months, not same intensity, and your attention was often elsewhere. Same is true to her, her feelings don’t stay the same.

I am sorry I could not understand what you were trying to say here.

There is no basis in reality to this belief.

I agree, all I can do is express my viewpoint one last time and hope for the best irrespective of what her reply is.

What do you have to lose with this approach?

I agree with this approach and at this point I got nothing to lose but I dont want to come off as desperate, so I am just trying to frame the right message which conveys what I feel in my mind and heart. Not good at writing or expressing my feelings, lol.

I am not in a rush to text her. I need to first clear in mind if I want her as a friend right now given the long distance or ask her if we can reconnect romantically. Whenever I have the answer clear. Ill surely text her.

Waiting for your reply patiently Anita. Thanks again

Hi Anita, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I haven’t texted her yet. Don’t know how to start the conversation with her, whether I should just write a whole paragraph and send her or to first ask about casual stuff first.

I’ll tell you what I’m confused about. While breaking up she told me that because of the distance and the timings, its better we stop talking, after that I talked to her a bit and not much. Then after a few days she texted me she met someone else ( even though I know that she was lying because she does not generally date in her hometown). At that moment I accepted it, because I didn’t want to beg someone to stay or to accept me. I let it go and stopped talking to her. She hoped we could stay friends but I refused and said if I want to be friends I’ll reach out. It’s been almost 3 months since we talked and still I can’t get rid of these feelings. These feelings scare me but the though about her makes me smile a lot. I think that happens when you really like someone.

What I’m confused about are my intentions to text her, I think I just want to let her know my feelings just in case I wasn’t clear when we were dating. It’s a risk that I’m willing to take even though I’m kind of putting my respect on the line. I don’t expect a relationship from her as I also think it would be really hard given the distance.

Hope you will let me know your thoughts Anita. Thanks again

Hi Anita, I hope you’re doing well. Again thank you for your thoughtful reply.

1. So, we push away that which we are afraid of

I agree with you but how should I deal with this? Ik there may not be a chance with SK now, im not hoping for it, but i want to be ready for the future.

2. But you do know, don’t you, that it was not your choice to not accept her love. It was a natural, physiological reaction to fear

I know, i never blamed myself for this, I even apologised to SK and she understands that its my pain point. But still I am filled with regret and resentment thinking things could have been different. How should I deal with this natural response of mine? and how should i let go of this regret?

3. This makes me think that she needed love that’s expressed through words and non-physical attention.

Maybe you’re right. She is subconsiously seeking support. Even when she started dating she told me that after some time she’s getting some support.

4. It is impossible to meet the needs of an adult whose needs were not met in childhood because needs that were unmet for so long, are very intense needs

Thank you for this thought, I never thought of my unmet needs this way. I’ll be more mindful of them in the future

5. Your numbed hurt and fear woke up in the context of the relationship with SK. (Numbed emotions are still there, they are not dead or gone)

My emotions were always numbed with SK. i refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I bursted out with anger sometimes too. But deep in my heart I felt all those emotions fully. I regret not expressing myself too her in the moment. I think I was also scared of not getting to explore more and I though i would fall really deeply for simran. I had FOMO.

6. What does a 13-year-old boy think and feel when he sees his mother cry a lot?

Honestly i dont know. But now if i think about it I would be really scared and confused of it and I would’nt know what to do.

7. do you remember the circumstances of those hugs: did you hug her when she cried a lot, to make her feel better, and/ or did she hug you when you were upset, to make you feel better

They were mostly when we are in bed and it was like cuddling. It always felt nice but with time as i grew up they started getting less, especially after the domestic violence incident in 2014.

8. is this partly the reason why your mother hugged you a lot? Did she or your father turn to you- or to a sibling of yours- for the attention and interactions that they were lacking in their marriage?

Maybe, but my father never did this. With age now he does depend on me much more now

9. Maybe it happened to SK before she met you that she was touched sexually when all she wanted was to be touched affectionally, and … maybe that’s what was behind her rejecting you sexually at one point?

Yes, thank you for opening my eyes anita, she was groped sexually when she was very young, I never thought it can effect her this way, because apart from sex she has always been really sexual. Even it was not sex we did other stuff. She told me that that incident made her feel more sexual.

10. do you feel that you did not accept SK for who she is and/ or that she did not accept you for who you are?

Sometimes I do feel this, maybe I was not okay with the emotional dependence she brought in the relationship, because I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young. I never seeked emotional dependence apart from the times when i was bullied and cried in front of my father.

11. Another experience to add, when I was young, I think around 8 years old, my bigger sister and mother got into an argument which ended with my mother choking me for a few seconds.

Please share your thoughts on this.