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April 3, 2017 at 5:33 pm #143529MegParticipant
Thank you for the encouraging words, once again. Currently, I am in this tornado of back and forth with him. He is accusing me of seeing someone else and giving up too easily. I have said “I’m done” at least 100 times, but he will NOT accept it. I’m losing my mind here. I’m seeing a divorce lawyer tomorrow morning, so hopefully the official paperwork will bring him to reality. This is the most frustrating thing ever. I have been very clear, but he keeps demanding that we can work through this. 🙁
March 28, 2017 at 12:51 pm #142589MegParticipantJust wanted to give an update. You were right, Anita. It didn’t matter what I said to him. He played the victim and accused me of giving up too soon, even though I have been trying to fix our marriage for YEARS. We went to see a counselor yesterday, and even in front of her, he was abusive and manipulative. I could see in her eyes that she felt pity for me and completely grasped where I stood. I have asked him to move out of our house, which will happen this weekend. I am taking my power back, and I have never felt better! I am truly excited for the future and to be free to be my true self.
March 15, 2017 at 2:03 pm #139687MegParticipantYes, I meant NOT invested. Sorry for the typo. It probably doesn’t even matter what I say. He’s going to play the victim and act like I didn’t give him enough chances no matter what.
March 15, 2017 at 11:22 am #139627MegParticipantGreat point. You’re right, nothing I say will fix anything. I’m not sure there is anything I can say that he wouldn’t dismiss. Maybe I could frame what I say around being fair to him, like it not being fair to him to waste his time with me when I am fully invested in the marriage any more.
March 13, 2017 at 2:07 pm #139307MegParticipantDear Anita, that makes so much sense when described that way. He is still away for work, but I am trying to think through what I want to say to him when he returns. Of course the unknown scares me, but thinking about a free and joyful future makes me feel excited. Thank you so much.
March 11, 2017 at 1:35 am #138947MegParticipantI think when I’m around him I see glimmers of positive things and hold onto them, like if he is being attentive or takes time to play with the kids. I care for him and don’t wish anything bad on him, but I’m not sure I love him anymore. I definitely don’t feel the same way about him that I used to. I’m sure some of it is attachment. We have been together since I was 19 (now 30), so I have never really been an adult without him.
March 10, 2017 at 7:27 pm #138937MegParticipantI’m not afraid of him physically but maybe afraid that he will make my life miserable for leaving
March 10, 2017 at 5:23 pm #138919MegParticipantDear Anita,
I haven’t been for a couple of months since my work schedule has been hectic, but I’m hoping to get back soon. I miss going. It really helps. I feel confident about divorcing him when I’m not near him, but then when he is around, I again start to feel hopeful and doubt my decision to leave. Is that normal? Any advice for dealing with that struggle?
March 10, 2017 at 4:05 pm #138907MegParticipantAnita, I am in tears reading your response because I know it is true. I am amazed that you figured all that out from my random rambling, especially because my thoughts are all over the place. I have taken responsibility for so much that has gone wrong, and I am working really hard not to do that anymore. Not everything is my fault, so all I can do is own my role in the relationship. I wish things were different, but it is what it is. I doubt myself constantly, which frustrates me even more.
March 9, 2017 at 8:20 pm #138581MegParticipantAre my expectations unrealistic?
March 9, 2017 at 8:19 pm #138579MegParticipantPros: freedom to be myself, no more walking on eggshells, opportunity for more self growth, being able to focus on my dreams/goals
Cons: feeling of failure, dealing with family reactions will be hard, don’t want to hurt him, not being there to be a buffer when he loses his temper with the girls
I just want to be happy and fulfilled. I’m not worried about doing everything alone because I already do most everything alone. If I am going to be married, I want my husband to be a true partner, support me emotionally, and to make me feel like I matter.
March 9, 2017 at 7:15 pm #138557MegParticipantSo maybe emotionally abusive is more accurate. He as been verbally abusive (name calling and such) before but during a terrible argument. He does use a harsh tone much of the time with the kids and me, and just tells me to get over it. That’s just how he talks to everyone. What gets me the most is feeling dismissed and diminished about my feelings, opinions, and dreams. It’s always about him and when I push for something I want, he finds a way to make me feel guilty. I have a masters degree and never planned to stay home full time, but he has insisted on it and made me feel like a terrible mom for choosing to work. I have spent our entire marriage supporting him and building him up to create a great career for himself. I don’t get that in return. When I try to discuss my feelings or needs, I’m told I am too sensitive or too needy. So then I just feel like I should keep everything to myself. I don’t know if it is technically abuse, but it doesn’t feel good. I never want to open up to him anymore because I don’t want to be criticized or have him steal the joy from something good.
March 9, 2017 at 4:10 pm #138303MegParticipantDear Anita, thank you again for your reply. I am afraid you are right about him pretending to go along and say the right things to a therapist as well because that’s exactly what he does when we have serious talks about things. He promises to change, is a little better for a while until I’m comfortable again, and then it’s right back to the old way. For example, I talked to him about balancing time for family with playing video games, and he just stopped playing completely for a week or so. Then one day, he verbally pointed out that if he was going to stay downstairs with me that I needed to come sit with him since I told him he couldn’t play games anymore. I never said that. I know it is a fun way for him to relieve stress, but I am not okay with my daughters (or me) being ignored because of a video game. I am huge on family time and value it above everything else. As soon as I told him that I never said he couldn’t play at all, he was right back on the computer playing again that night while I bathed the girls and tucked them in for bed. I’m tired of feeling like I have to fight for his attention. I have tried to be the best wife I can be, but it’s just not worth it anymore.
March 7, 2017 at 9:06 pm #137077MegParticipantThanks for your response, Anita. So I actually begged him to go to counseling with me a few years ago, and he told me I needed to go on my own to fix myself since I was the one with all the issues. I believed him and stared going alone, and the better I feel about my own mental state, the worse I feel about my marriage. I definitely should have pressed the issue more before giving another chance. When I told him I couldn’t do this anymore, he said he would go to counseling with me even though he thinks it’s lame. But he told me to set it up, but it had to be after his work day and he couldn’t guarantee he would be there. Maybe I should set up a session for when he gets back from the work trip and make it non-negotiable?
February 23, 2017 at 3:24 pm #129117MegParticipantThanks for posting. I’m in the exact same situation and wanted you to know you’re not alone. I hope things get better for you.
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