Absolutely.  That is my point exactly.  Yet sometimes, the ex girlfriend is not a participant “other woman”.  And herein lies the issue.  We -all women really, should be able to gather ourselves and know we deserve more than half the love.  Especially if the one hanging on is the man, not the ex.  Reality is hard, but necessary.

Dear Anita,

That is possible. It has been so long, my memories of the relationship are moments. Some of which I remembered again during therapy.  I loved and admired many things about him, but they seem so far away, and knowing him today, I don’t know if they are real. I am sure these sessions will end soon. And hopefully they will serve as lesson.

I have stayed away from the man who hurt me, and I hurt. I think this is an important oart of the whole “Ex-Girlfriend” misconception. We are exes for a reason. If we leave them, new gf should figure out why. And if they can’t let go, we are not always the ones to blame. And we don’t always want to jeopardize your new relationship. Maybe the man doesn’t want to be with us either.

Anita, you’re right. He values my loyalty because of how it makes him feel. He values my artistic inclination, but that’s not something he can grow from. His value system is based on prestige, yes, something I do not have. When we were together, I felt like my job was to be a good-looking companion. In this new relationship, though I am sure he finds his new woman attractive but her stronghold is her accolades. So I wonder if what he misses is the Attraction part. Also, we were building a family together, and I hope feelings of those dreams were important.

I value the good moments we shared. I have come to split this man into two. The man who loved me; with all incredible moments we shared. And, the man who hurt me; with all of the very hard times we lived. It was easy to miss him, and and yet near impossible to trust him. I value that he wanted to make a difference for the people around him, I value that  he could make me feel loved so deeply  at times, I value how artistic he was, how intelligent he was, how he would take care of me when I was down, even when he put me down. How we could play together ,  experience the smallest little things  as if we were children, and how we could dream together. To tell you the truth, his career or where he went to school or his apartment or anything that he has or the gifts that I left behind, none of it seems to be of value to me.

When it came to his style of loving, he was very giving. As in gifts, and creating this incredibly romantic moments. He would criticize things about me, and praise other qualities a lot. I often mentioned how I understand love, but I believe he thought that buying me a gift or bringing something beautiful for the house in writing beautiful letters or songs that he will later record in a studio what’s the best way to apologize apologize, that, and intimacy. He often requested me to be careful with my words and questioned why I didn’t compliment him enough. When I see him in therapy I wonder if I should compliment him to have a peaceful time, but he seems to not need it so much anymore, I attribute this to the fact that he is with someone more his equal now. And to the fact that I am not his partner anymore, so he doesn’t need it for me. Or simply because he has no interest in me.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Gigi.

Dear Anita,

It depends on what each of us thinks of love, yes. I have been feeling very guilty for 2 years for leaving him, even though I did because I couldn’t stay there any longer. I think we should have done therapy earlier, but we didn’t have that opportunity. There is a book called The Love Languages, and the way I see love is through actions, and quality time. I think the way he sees love is through words of affirmation and gifts. This is the way he showed me love. But sometimes we have to love the other person the way they understand it. I don’t give him any compliments, and I have blocked everything about me to him, because I think it will prevent him from moving on. So you are right, sometimes we have to love the person by the way what’s best for them. And as his ex fiance, perhaps the best for him is to be with someone that fits in his life and his professional future better.

Dear Inky,

I do wonder why he wants therapy now. We talked for  whole year post breakup and it was dramatic and painful. In January, I asked him -begged him- to stop contacting me. I would get bombarded daily for a whole year. And I mean, a good day was a 20 email day.

I am sad to think expecting oarents don’t go to grief therapy. I lost my baby on a car accident at 5 months gestation, and all the dreams, hopes, and love vanished with him.  I grieve every day, and I felt abandoned. Perhaps that is what the therapy is, a way to atone in the end, now that he has found love.

I agree, the way he loves has been really painful for me, though he seems to be much better for his girlfriend, as he says. I feel heard for the first time in therapy, because although there is a lot of sadness, he is listening and there is a witness who guides the conversation. In therapy, neither one of us is screaming or fighting. However, 2 years later, I wonder why we’re there. It feels good for me to get the loss of our relationship and our child of my chest and not carry it alone anymore. But 3 sessions into it, I wonder why he wanted this, how it benefits him, and how I will feel at the end. I don’twonder much about the new girlfriend, because I am being respectful, and I figure that if he loved me so much he would not to be with someone else in a stable relationship. Also,  he immediately text sir after each session .  Although I don’t know if she is aware of the drinks afterwards .  But,  I keep  body contact to a minimum ,  the somehow I see him trying to hug me  more every time.  I imagine this is because of  the sadness and emotions lived during the sessions . So I keep my distance. Not too bad for the scary EX.

It is possible, thanks Anita. For the past couple weeks we have gone to grief therapy together, but it turned into “couples” therapy from the start. On the first day, he scheduled 2 sessions instead of one… I was shocked.  We had not seen each other for 7 months, and last week was our 2 year separated. He said he loves his new gf, he didn’t look at me and seemed sad to say it. He said that things are different, she makes sense, but he wonders if he will ever love anyone the way he -still- loves me. How he misses me inmensely. Lots of tears, and after each session, he wants to have dinner or drinks. He avoids talking ab his new gf; I try to keep it cool and bring it back to our baby’s loss. However, I catch him stearing at me and crying. He loves his gf, and it seems she is very jealous and our grief therapy is hard on her. Yet this is the first time he has made a point to grieve our loss with me. And I feel sometimes the ex is threatening to the new relationship, but it is not real. We are smoke and mirrors.  I don’t know why he is paying for our therapy, but I feel heard for the first time… even though I know it will end soon.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Gigi. Reason: Typos and info