Hi Anita!

I have not been in contact with her since my last post. We live about 3 hours apart. Every few days she will text me and ask what my plans are for job searching. I have been out of my toxic job for about 2 months and planned on self publishing sooner than this but my anxiety is holding me back from finishing that too. I mentioned this plan before to her and she told me I could keep dreaming and that no one gets published.. ignoring pretty much what I told her. I told her if I need money sooner I will apply for some part time jobs. But I ignore her on these texts because I have no updates and don’t wish to talk to her. She won’t be supportive and will probably start yelling at me about being delusional as she has with other dreams I’ve had.
I guess it makes it hard to let go of wanting to make her happy. The same could be said with this friend. I am not one to cut off friendships because usually it is other people doing it to me. Then she just mentioned she was thinking about me the other day and wanted to catch up. I agree that she will probably not change and I shouldn’t try to get the friendship back. I wouldn’t solely take my boyfriends advice but it is important to me. From what I heard through coworkers she used to have feelings for him, and she has mentioned before that she could see herself with a woman too so I am very wary of putting my relationship at risk by her actions.
I spent a lot of time with her when I was miserable in my marriage but things are different now. I guess the right thing is to seek other friendships and other ways to cope.

Thank you,
Gigi

Thank you! I guess I struggle a lot with self love. Even if I get the positive thoughts in my head they are quickly turned around into a negative. It could be as simple as a stranger staring and me and I automatically start to freak out. At times I feel like I don’t even exist. For example, whenever I’m at a store and someone Is handing out samples, I am Always ignored, every single time! I feel like as I got older I grew out of my awkwardness and felt reasonably attractive. I would receive attention from men but whenever I fell for them or decided to get intimate they usually disappeared. I know relationships aren’t just about looks and I was probably a little desperate but I couldn’t help but blame it on my looks. This only led me to be more wild. I had almost all my friends turn their back on me and it’s also hard not to blame myself. Sure some thought I was a little strange but I was always up for having fun and always there for my friends. Sure enough, every year at school I would find out friends were trashing me behind my back, or just straight up told me our friendship was over. Even my friends from my hometown stopped responding to my calls and messages. It still bothers me to this day. One in particular I lived with sophomore yr in college and knew from high school. She decided to tell me I had to move out within a couple months because I was not trying to be part of the roommate family.
After graduation, she said she had more important real world obligations and didn’t have time for me. She has tried to come back and message me but it hurts too much to respond. My other close friend from the past couple years I mentioned upthread. She would demand I pick up her kids, buy her groceries, and got mad at me when I moved in with my new boyfriend and cut me off. Back to during college i was in a sorority and had most of them dump me because my abusive ex was a fraternity president and they wanted to be on their good side. I have a couple friends who have been long term that have told me they admire me and parts of my life so I used to attribute the way I was treated to jealousy, but I literally would not be able to believe that so many people would be jealous when I am really pretty average! I would like to be able to reach out to people now and not blame myself if they do not deliver as a friend. And do the same in my romantic life.

Love Gigi

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Gigi.

Thank you for your detailed response. I agree with what you’re saying, of course. It is a perspective I haven’t thought of. While my parents definitely made me unhappy I still for some reason thought of it as normal. Also, friends and I would complain about our parents and it seemed pretty normal then too. Of course, I didn’t tell them everything. My boyfriend recently lost a parent and tells me that I might regret not being there, which is something he struggles with. I am still debating what to do in the long run but I have no reason to see or talk to her in the near future. Do you think this caused the current relationship and sexual issues I now have?

Gigi

Wow, I didn’t even think I had mentioned the worst of it! The article was basically saying, if I can remember, that to accept the fact that parents are human and make mistakes, and that it can sometimes be best to forgive than to hold resentment. I definitely struggle with this. I can be a grudge holder and rehash things in relationships that aren’t important. When I said I had a good upbringing I did mean material things, yes. Toys, food, nice house, vacations. As far as what I did, it was not much besides staying out late, finding out I had a boy in the house on one occasion even though nothing happened, nothing major though. During college breaks I would do a little more like end up staying out all night but she knew this was because I was choosing not to drive. Overall I struggle to think of more examples because I was never in trouble with the law, didn’t do drugs, got into a good school, and eventually had a couple decent jobs.
I guess she thought I was disrespecting her by not taking her advice and I began to yell back at her. It just really felt like I could never win. I struggle with the idea of cutting her off now for a few reasons. I have a sister who felt the same way I did growing up, she now has 2 kids who my parents treat like gold. It’s very strange. She believes my mom had a hard life too and tries not to blame her, although she can also only take her in small doses. When we do family holidays it really does seem like everything is fine. A lot of people love my mom because she is very fake to everybody else! I am afraid of what aunts, uncles, cousins, and my niece and nephew would think if I wasn’t around.
Also, since my separation my parents have helped me out financially with loan payments and I fear losing that option. Although it does feel like it comes at a cost definitely. At the moment I have been ignoring her when she sends a rude text and I don’t voluntarily call. Do you really think it’s best I stop all contact?
Thanks,
Gigi

Hi Anita, thanks for responding!

1. I felt that he was rescuing me from a bad situation at the time. my husband was still messaging me and being somewhat harassing. I had moved in with my only female friend at the time and she was becoming very critical and using me for her errands and extra money when I was already paying her. My boyfriend had been their to listen during all of this, especially when I had a lot of guilt about my past and I thought I wouldn’t be able to find anybody else. He kept telling me that I was a great person. Also even though I have been supporting myself, it felt nice to be with someone who had their life together whereas my husband made me take care of the majority of our finances, finding places to live, etc.

2. My ex husband and I met in college and our relationship was fairly casual before marriage. I had been kind of a party girl so I felt like it was just time to settle down and we decided to get married. When I started working after graduation I became attracted to men who were more ambitious and I began to lose interest. I would spend a lot of my nights out with friends. he would yell at me because I had guy friends, and it was just constant fighting. I even asked him to go to therapy and he said no. I realized that I was with the wrong person but I felt so guilty about my actions. I would threaten to leave, he would get very upset and cry and I would stay. But I felt like I could have been more honest about it. He turned very nasty at the end but at the beginning was very sweet so I struggle to forget the good in him.

3. I feel vulnerable now because I really care what my new bf thinks about me and I feel like I would be devastated to lose him. I have been with a lot of men just to have a boyfriend when I really didn’t care much deep down. I have had several relationships also that turned abusive and the men were clingy and jealous. My boyfriend is completely the opposite and is not jealous or controlling in the least. I guess I still associate love with some jealous or crazy behavior and it’s hard not to constantly think something is wrong with me.

I hope that made some sense lol thanks 🙂

Thank you! I have been interested in gluten free and wheat free as well but I never did it purely enough to notice any results. I come from a paleo type background which worked pretty well but lately I just keep feeling pulled towards vegetarian or vegan diets. I just had a feeling that the starch diet was better than the high fruit diet. I suppose I could try just a regular vegan diet but I keep hearing how fat and protein need to be low. I feel like Im still open to new things and that I should loosen up a bit. I’m 28 now so I know it’s not going to be as easy as it used to be. it really does seem like there’s nothing I can eat anymore. I was diagnosed with acid reflux and ibs.. crohns is in my family. I’m really terrified of feeling like I contributed to something worse happening to my body. thank you for your response!