Hi Afrin,

I may not be able to give you any sage advice, but I thought I’d respond if only to let you know that you are not alone — at the very least you have Anita and me to empathise with you, and I’m sure there are more who read this thread who haven’t posted in response for any reason. Mostly, I feel you about your cat. I love mine dearly and in the past, when I hit a low and my thoughts whirled at the bottom of the pit, I am worried about him, losing him, most.

I am sending love to you, wherever in the U.K. (your mention of NHS) you are, right now.

Blessings and peace.

Dear Patty,

Your post struck me as incredibly courageous, self-aware, reflecting honesty and wisdom. I am not sure I could offer any answers of worth to the barrage of profound questions at the end of your post, as I am whirling from the chord the clarity with which you wrote “got a little attached to him (or the idea of him)” and “once I knew how interested he was in me” struck in me. It took me quite a while to learn to step away from my tendency to create a person and become attached to the person I created. Another point you made is that you were misunderstood in your affections as a sign that you wanted something more — a relationship perhaps — from that guy. I am sorry to hear that, but I get it: you had needs after your recent breakup, and your affectionate nature together caused the guy whom you met to put two wrongs together, causing him to distance himself from you.

I am sorry I don’t have any easy answer for your questions.

Gia

Hi Sunset,

No problem at all.

I’m pretty sure he’s a sociopath or a psychopath (I don’t know the nuances in how the terms differ). I have experienced being treated in a similar way before, and I have since come to understand, with the maturity through age and introspection, that people like that guy are probably deeply troubled — they tend to be bigoted, harsh, mean, but also (a big flag there), extremely nice and maybe charming initially and/or only on the surface. Let him go. Let him be the person he needs to be at this stage, however long it may be. The way he treated you likely had little, if anything, to do with Sunset — you — by letting him be whoever he is maybe the compassion that you can conjure up for yourself and for him now that it’s over. And thank goodness it is over for you, with him! 🙂

Regarding your guilt for “letting [your friend who you developed a lovely friendship with] down”, it’s tricky… what I would probably do was to front up gently with her IF you treasure this relationship. Her response may be unpredictable, but if you and the other woman get through this hurdle, the ground for your relationship will be solidified, and these are the kinds of relationships or friendships that are meaningful and more likely to last. Why I think it’s tricky, however, is that I have learnt from my own, at times painful, experience that conversations of this kind (difficult ones) are best had face to face. I wouldn’t do it through a text or facebook message as it is unduly risky — I have lost meaningful friendships with good intentions, but ineffectual communication with texts. 

Trust yourself and make a decision that feels right. Please don’t feel guilty for having been pulled in by that guy’s facade — people like him are notoriously good at it, and as you wisely reflected, it is not going to stop after you.

gia

Dear Felita,

In an earlier post, you said when you tried to look at yourself, Felita, who is suffering, you judged her, that she’s “having mental illness or so what.” You asked me if the fact that you “want her attention, to make [yourself] feel good again” doesn’t make you a bad person (I think you already had an answer for yourself). I don’t think needing attention makes anyone a bad person. To me, a bad person is one who derives joy and pleasure from causing or seeing someone suffer.

You said something very important in your last post. You said that you “will love the person no matter how bad the person is.” Let’s imagine if Felita were a bad person like you say you are, you, the wiser Felita, will still love her like she’d love other, “better” people. That “bad Felita” needs someone to “love [her] no matter how bad [she thinks she] is” and to “cherish [her] and make [her] smile again.” Why can’t you also love, cherish, and hug this “bad” Felita?

Dear Felita,

I am glad you are staying on this supportive form of communication on this forum. Your relationship was not known to anyone, not even your family. It was only between the two of you. It would be hard, maybe it may even feel like it is impossible to break it to anyone when it has come to this stage (the drama: the split-up) — where would you begin, when you are overwhelmed by negative emotions at the moment? I understand that.

I sense from your writing that you are eager — maybe desperate — to “shake off” this attachment. Felita, if I, someone who has never met you, and know you a fraction of what you know of yourself, can (and I do) empathise with your situation and your mental anguish at the detachment (complete opposition to attachment) from this person, why don’t you think you can empathise with yourself? What I mean: can you look at the sad, “crazy” Felita who is suffering, what would be going through your head?

Stay here a while,

Gia

Dear Natalie, I am sorry you are living in the process of what you described. I felt you when you said you were so happy with him, because “having a guy like him like someone like me” — that’s my self talk as well, when someone I am attracted to pays me attention. What I do when that attention ceases is I plunge, as if to an endless bottom. You said he hadn’t contacted you again after telling you everything was good on your end. He placated you to avoid what he imagined would be unpleasant, so he chose that way out. I have done that to others; I have also had that done to me. When I was the one doing it, I had no intention of re-establishing contact; when it was done to me, I began to mentally cling onto the person, thinking him into this all-loving, all-perfect person that doesn’t and never did exist. I hope I didn’t sound cruel with what I said. I wanted to share my experience with you so you could walk free from expectations that he was great and that it was your loss. Take care of yourself, Natalie. Gia