Yes Inky. I didn’t know when I was dating him or rather begun seeing him that men aren’t to be introduced to our children. After knowing he was married, I kept going on with him because it was ”already too late” for me to go back. Now that I know and growing, I know what I want and will go for it. I am slowly making strides of not mentioning him or anything about him no matter what. But curious daughter as always bugs, ”Do you love to be with daddy”? I smile about it. I don’t know exactly how to tell her, wish I knew. A response which will hurt her or one which will sooth her, that really confuses me over and over.
I know I was a business, at one time I felt like he was paying me while he was leaving the country. When I declined the money, it became kind of hard on him. When he comes to Kenya, he makes sure to carry with him lots of things. Sometimes, I also think I was drawn to his things, of course I was. Hoping that he was doing this because he loved me as he had said. But, he didn’t.
One chat made me know this, ”You think I will ever leave my wife for you?”. He said with so much disgust I loathed myself I have loathed myself to date. I don’t know, I still went back to him, his bad mouthing and all. In my heart this was love: fight, be happy, mend, cry, laugh. This has long died, instead, my heart is sinking deeper and deeper in misery. I was being paid, Inky. I have pinched myself so very hard it hurts. How can I be so stupid two times? At least now I can talk about it and cry, cry, cry. Let it out, as I’ve learnt my lesson.
I am one of those stupid girls who think love is everything, I stayed on knowing and believing his, ”one day we’ll be together”. To be honest, I am so lost. Hope to find myself, establish my career in writing, have my virtual assistant business take ground, involve myself in so many activities to help keep my mind out of all the pain tying my heart. On looking back, it was all good at first. Until, the web of lies became alive and I would spend days crying, wallowing in pain.
Thank you for your kind response, Inky.