@adelaide

Most importantly chick wishing you the best most awesome birthday ever! Happy early Birthday chick! If you feel low do get in touch and one of us will definitely give you some perspective to remind you that you need to be self indulgent and enjoy the good things in your life.

There are low days even I get them still but you got to keep fighting them or else it’s very easy to spiral. You are brave and you recognise how much risk you took. Without it you may never have known how much love you have to give..it is like anything  in life unless you try you don’t actually know whether or will be good or bad.  If you enjoy it you’ve learnt something take it onto the next adventure with yourself. If you don’t or doesn’t work remind yourself that you were brave to try and have learnt what you do need. Reframe the negative thoughts. When you feel anxious do what I do chant something opposite/positive that is happening in your life or write it down as a reminder!

Here to listen anytime. Thanks @shelbyville for a thread where now after feeling shit for so many years I can use my experience in a positive way to help others! Xxx

@adelaide so good to hear of your progress.  You have become my positive inspiration. I know your disability doesn’t define you but your bravery to try when you could have easily resigned yourself to a life without that aspect to protect yourself is so admirable. I am so so proud and I really hope you find love again. Your own self awareness is also amazing. Look like mark ms article encouraged you to continue being brave and making new connections and understanding it is ok to lean on new support from those who care. Keep us updated I find your journey motivational xx

@shelbyville, I see myself in you. Our situ are very similar. So if I can do it so can you. If you want me to keep my beak out just say! But read the below might be the encouragement you need.

@shelbyville

1) Did you find the key fob? Dont work yourself up if you haven’t. It will blow over if there is any tension.

2) You have turned the biggest corner in acknowledging for yourself you shouldn’t go back.

Thus YOU ARE READY, you have been since the resentment comment but put yourself in your own shit by keeping contact open – letting him set you back.

What gets on my tits is my ex did the same. I’d try so hard to get to a good place then when he hadn’t heard from me , he would send out a feeler to see if he still had the hold see IF he felt like it could have me. It felt amazing to see his name pop up but then the ache for more knowing it was not coming was horrid. Leaving me back at the beginning this wore me down and after 5 years i was tired. It’s always for their own curiosity and ego boosting don’t let your rose tinted view fool you. You ex is not a saint so don’t convince yourself it was because he wanted to do you “right” or “cared” why didn’t he care on your prev birthdays whilst contact was still freely open??? You have been asking yourself the wrong questions and tearing yourself apart when the problem was never you. It was him but your love for him skewed your perception.

YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD but you are over preparing and you can continue this way but sooner or later to move in a direction you have to take the STEP or LEAP towards it to progress in life.

I have been in the exact same situation I am telling you it’s time but what is holding you back is FEAR!! The only way to conquer it is to face it head on.

Letting go of what’s become familiar or your life as you know it which feels safe and copeable is frightening. But isn’t it more frightening to think if you feed your fear you will continue to waste precious time, lose opportunities and stop yourself from actually living to find a new purpose , all because of one guy who couldn’t love you for who you were? Let that hit home.

Once you take this next step let me tell you it will be liberating..do it in baby steps like me. Delete all conversations, block him and his friends (to move on you have to cut all ties) on all platforms! Have the last laugh by doing something he probably thinks you can’t – have you seen that block meme on Insta. Get on it Girl! Set yourself a target of a week where you won’t unblock. If it’s hard unblock for a day but start again the following day ..You will be shocked at how you do..it will turn to weeks etc and the letting go will happen without even consciously acknowledging it.

But above all focus on YOU. No ruminating about what you thought you had with him or reinforcing that rose tinted view of him. It is the biggest hold back. No comparisons. He was good in some aspects but not good enough overall. Remember that. Not you weren’t good enough for him.

Focus on what you wanted in life..what did you actually want out of a relationship? Find a person willing to meet you halfway, who will say I love you, who will everytime he is in your presence display affection in all forms. Who will be patient like my guy, take it slow there’s no rush. Give it a chance.. and realise what you had you can not recreate but you can have better by working on it with someone who wants it too that is the biggest difference in why a relationship is successful and why it fails. The give and take needs to be 50/50. Don’t let thoughts or fear of possible rejection stop you from trying as you will ruin it before its even begun. Again I made this mistake but thankfully my new guy is understanding of my past. You obviously have a big heart if you bent over backwards and contorted yourself to make a bad relationship work. You will find yourself again and just imagine once you feel your way through slowly and build something new with openness and vulnerability the love you can give to someone new who wants you for you will be even better because you’ll be getting it back too.

3) Ok warning! You may not want to believe this but reality check chick every person unless (highly traumatised – like incapable of a rship basically) is capable of saying I love you. And even in desperate scenario when the fear of losing you kicks in they will splurt it, just to keep you. Your ex didn’t even do it then after three break ups… so why are you going to give this person the time to make your anger kick in?

You have more self respect than that girl. You deserved an I love you. You deserved so much more.
When he finds the one,which wasn’t you or else even in desperate times he would have said it, HE WILL say it to her..what I don’t get is are you going to put your life on hold to have him crush you in that way and then move on? NO WAY. You better than that!

An example Terri was with Simon Cowell for over a decade he said he never would have children but guess what once he found the right one who happened to be his friends wife, he not only had an affair but got her pregnant. Even the avoidant type fall in love.

So right now, you are playing yourself. Move Forward. Realise your dream. You were brave to have sought love once and you need to be brave again now to seek your dreams!

@shelbyville i don’t have any chants but you could try lost fob come out wherever you are? Lol whenever I lose something which is often I look for it amongst the most cluttered part of my house usually my bedroom and always find it amongst the heap of clutter. Don’t worry though try thinking back to when you had it last and what you did after and revisit those spots. If you don’t find it dont beat yourself up. These things happen and you know logically you just need to pay to replace it. Which will be ouch but no one died or got hurt. It was an accident and can be rectified.

In regards to the your ex. It is common to recall just the best highlights however this us is one of the times you really need to assess the bad because those are the things that got you to here. So make a conscious effort to write down or recall the difficulties everytime you find yourself ruminating about what you miss or think you had. Just like the resentment comment stung you it also kicked in your self respect. You will find seeing you ex for who he really was will in turn make you realise how good of a partner you were and you will realise actually yes I loved this person but so much made me feel like shit and caused me heartbreak. I do deserve better and I should stop letting the illusion betray my mind and heart. Why am I continuing to allow it to?

Your lack of direction will cease when you let go of the past. The longer you think that was your purpose and you can’t get it elsewhere the longer you will remain stationary and spiral further into a pit of despair and lack of focus. If you still believe that your ex is the one then ask yourself why are you not making and effort to make it happen? Because you know he isnt right for you deep down and you are scared to let go and take a leap again. That’s the real issue fear and it was the same for me after 5 years I said enough no more wasting my life it’s not easy it’s tough but at least I’m moving forward willing to risk things wholeheartedly..once you actually block your ex from ever contacting you which needs to be done that will be the day you have let go, You will automatically find yourself working towards a new relationship like me/ a new career path/an ambition of buying your own place. Etc  the purpose will come as you will feel reinvigorated to create the future you deserve. Xxx

@michelle yes that article resonated when me too. Great content. Sometimes you need a dose of reality and straight talking! Otherwise if I let my feelings consume me I would continue spiralling like I was deeper into feeling unworthy and despair. It’s almost like the devil vs angel battle on a constant basis. My emotions creep in whispering “you will not find the same love. Any new guy will not match, new guy will leave you too so don’t let him in etc etc slowly wearing me down ” but I have had to literally shout out aloud or chant on my runs “I am going to love it will be a new kind, and if I believe it even better. I will not let myself be defeated. I will be happy etc” so f u stupid voices. The new guy and I are taking it very slow. I don’t feel pressured to be more than I can be for him right now and he has been a breath of fresh air. I now have new hope that with time I can create something special with him. It’s not easy but he is incredibly patient. I always try to focus on his dreams etc so it’s not all about me. Fingers crossed.

@shelby I get it I really do, some days I’m so tired of this world because I feel like I have had the best and I cant possibly get what I want. It is these thoughts that have drained me though so now I’m trying to change that I’m making a huge push towards a more positive attitude to life. In stead of dwelling on what can’t be changed and has passed.

It doesn’t sound like you are ready for a relationship because you are comparing and trust me as long as you do that no one will ever match up because no one will be a clone of your ex. Tbh is your ex even worth the comparisons? Everyone that has eventually moved on would say what the fuck was i thinking?!. Exes will always carry a special place in your heart forever but you need to realise on your own accord that being with your ex was not right or else you would not be where you are now. You said you didn’t feel anger I think you did I read all this thread when I was at my lowest at xmas. Your ex said he would resent you if you tried again. Your self respect kicked in and you were done. That feeling of someone resenting you after all you have done for them and loved is a sickening feeling it carried you into putting yourself out there doing stuff for yourself. What set you back was the texts which is a shame because you are your own enemy. Had you deleted and blocked you ex no. And social media you would not have gone backwards. You might gave found yourself in my position. Not fully ready to jump in to a serious relationship but taking baby steps and risk to create a new adventure with someone new..

I suggest you make a list of all the flaws your ex actually had which there will be plenty for you to have not worked out. Instead of seeing him with rose tinted glasses, write down how the person you loved made you feel at each break up. How the comment of resentment made you feel. This will make any self respecting being pull themselves out of putting their ex on pedestal. I guarantee you will have done more, loved harder bent over backwards so when that scale starts tipping by now you should be saying I DESERVE BETTER. I AM GOING TO GET BETTER. I WILL NOT LET one persons lack of reciprocated love define my entire life!

like Michelle said be wary of where your choices are taking you in life and what you may regret trying or missing with someone new. If this had been a new fresh break up then sympathy and molly coddling is often needed but chick theres a huge world out there for you to explore. New adventure to be had!

What happened with your close friend? Did you cut contact? If so that’s sad you could have gone on adventure with him. Book a mini break even if you don’t have funds do something local after your project ends have fun. Snap yourself out this funk!

@shelbyville I went to see my friend after xmas and she is a therapist. She said something which really hit home that helped me give love or new connections a chance. I am taking it very slow because like you my self worth was in tatters after 5 years on and off the merry go around. I’m trying any my new guy has been a godsend so patient.

My therapist friend said when we lose a relationship we actually think its all about the ex but really it’s actually a loss within us. Theres a hole there we forget who we were and the meaning we had before this person came. So we lose purpose. She said as long as I didn’t find something that gave me purpose, goals, new meaning I would keep trying to fix something that was dead. She sent me this article and it’s was so helpful. Maybe it will give you the push over the last stages. https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-over-someone

I also think that maybe you should get confidence coaching like me. It does really help you see that actually I offered all this and tips the scales to your side. Then the anger will kick in when you start to realise how you are wasting precious time when you could be out there finding love again. You could be happy again. But you have to give things a try wholeheartedly and that takes risk. I hope it helps as its sad that a chick who has so much good advice to give can’t see how worthy she is xx

@Rob my heart is breaking for you tonight. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I’m at a loss of what to say as 20 years and for it to be all over is unimaginable. We are all here for you and understand the pain of heartbreak at least. I hope you have support around you too. Sending lots of love to you from Tinybuddha forum x

@michelle the book analogy is spot on. I agree with you @shelbyville the book was not all bad there were destined some great times but the ending is always the same. So why keep re reading it? Michelle I was really making movements until I sprained my ankle and now I’m in a bit of self pitying mood. But I’m going to keep going the desire to stop feeling like crap is over riding and have a relationship again is winning at the moment. Thank you for your advice if I feel crap I’ll definitely pop back on to ask again for a healthy dose of reality which you provide, if you don’t mind.

@shelbyville I agree with Michelle you are denying yourself a good influence at the very least in your life by pushing him away. If you didn’t feel anything you wouldn’t be trying to create distance so it sounds like fear. I know this because I was doing the exact same. This guy may just be what you need to create a new book? What I would say is if you feel no sexual chemistry between you at all and feel like you are using him then probably best to cut ties. I had to assess this myself as I was unsure if it was self sabatoge or just someone in my life filling a hole. But then I started to miss him on Christmas day, I missed his hugs and i got jealous at social media pics with girls so I knew for myself I did want more but was scared to get attached and have my heartbroken. I told him this straight and we are now taking it slower and he has stuck by me despite me pushing him away which shows his character. At least that’s how I see my rship with new guy and I’m setting goals to help me make a better person and when we take the next step I can offer something back to him. Like I said my mum has always said some of the best relationships start off as friendships.just my 2 cents as I feel our situations are similar. I must also say I get the physical connection but if you hold yourself back from giving yourself  to a relationship the other person will sense it and not want to be vulnerable in that way so the connection will not form. So maybe that’s why you’ve never had that connect again?