Hi @shelbyville

That’s the thing with hope it’s a great thing however in cases like this hoping for hollywood romantic scene to materialise where two lovers cross paths and everything is perfect again is dangerous. It is what stops us from progress. The mind is a powerful weapon what you feed it is what will unravel for us. So I would stop all contact now. Move on you are not going to be in each others lives do you really need to stand on the sidelines and discover the moment he meets someone new. Do you think it is what you need to pick at that same wound and hurt again and again? Let go. That is the final step. Wish him well and if you do see each other again be cordial but don’t feel it is a concentrate task to keep no contact instead think of it as done. Tell your mind it’s closure. If you now try to do what I did and be an acquaintance or friend you may still carry some renewed hope but he will time and time again hurt you when he rejects you. From my pain I I don’t want anyone to go through that.

Your job comes down to one thing..which one will make you most happiest in long run. Which one will make you feel I did it..I ventured out to a new city, new connections or I tried a whole new Avenue and worked my way up. Be wary that although right now mr happy ever after is not on the scene he will be i believe you will find love again. So which job out the two is better in the long run for family etc.

Thow are things with your new friend?

Also you are just harsh on yourself..the way you were when I first came on here to now is completely different. You are making movement. Final thing to say none of us know who we are but just take each day and discover new things about what you like and what fulfils you and you’ll be a more happier person for it.

Jay and I are going to be. I’m going to try as that is all I can do. With effort and patience and a good heart to heart I’m going to make him see the genie who he turned his head again. This life is full of options but instead of choosing one and trying we give up. So I’m going to commit to being a better person for myself and encourage a more healthier relationship with Jay. Wish me luck!!

I’m feeling so lonely today. All my friends went out and are completely hungover today so can’t come around. Family live down South. Maybe the way I’ve been lately I should have planned something for this weekend. I just want to speak to Jay but he is away for a work conference which makes me sad as if things were in a better place between us maybe I could have tagged a long like I have done before and we enjoyed the evenings together. He is still in contact with me but I miss his presence. I miss his affection. I find myself very anxious but at the same time I’m angry at myself for undoing all the effort I made to get here.. to et go of my ex took a lot of effort and I do feel like I’ve moved on but in some ways I find myself stuck back there with the same thoughts of not being good enough running in my head as that relationship by the end wore me down. I finally after denying my feelings for so long acknowledge there’s someone special in front of me but in my momemts of anxiety and indecision I’ve  gone and ruined it. Even if no one replies I’m just writing this out to make my thoughts more clear. To see how I can motivate myself to not give into anxiety and acknowledge Jay is entitled to set the pace too. I can’t control everything. How can i make this work in the long run between us or get the old Genie in me who wasn’t scared or fearful of the consequences or pain but lived life on the full ready to try anything. How do I take him from friends to lovers again? Some tips ladies? If I can focus on that goal I’ll feel less anxious I reckon.

@shelbyville I don’t mean to hijack your thread you can turf me out  anytime.

@shelbyville this has been running through my head since I read about your description of your ex on your 3rd time. What if Jay just wants the physical intimacy and then leaves? Or that was what he wanted but given up to find it elsewhere. Like you said you and your ex didn’t get affectionate at first when you rekindled the 3rd time, I used to do the same with my ex but would end up giving in but hortly after we would part ways again. My ex knew he could get me because I loved him.What if your ex just wanted to get laid and you were the easy option. My ex would do the same when we would try again at first I would be reluctant but end up giving in but hortly after we would part ways again. My ex knew he could get me because I loved him, I wanted him so he had a hold over me hence the feeler texts . What if Jay does the same… what if he’s using me. Why are my thoughts so crazy right or is there substance to them ?

I just need someone to give me their perspective. Jay and I have been a bit distant but he met me for lunch today and it was lovely, I laughed and felt like I always do around him..HAPPY! I was scared to discuss the situation between us so just ended up enjoying his company and keeping it light. So we didn’t touch on anything. Although we haven’t gone all the way because intimacy that deep still scares me. We always used to kiss etc but he didn’t, instead of giving me his hand, he gave me his arm to link. I’m now scared I know I have real feelings for him but he seems to have backed off.  When I got back I messaged him thanks for a wonderful lunch and I would like to talk about where we stood… he said the best thing for my wellbeing was to be friends and not put any expectations on it from his end and if it becomes more then it does. My anxiety is starting to rear its ugly head but I’m trying to breathe… telling myself it was always going to be a slow burner and that is what I initially who didn’t want to rush in and get my heart broken. But now i feel i won’t even get the chance as he seems to have had enough? What shall I do.. I feel panicky but I’m really trying to think it’s ok, I need to let ho of this need to control it in my way and let it be. Breathe. Help?!

@Michelle I’m glad you are having a great time on your travels and even more glad you gave had bit of time to log in and give me perspective.

@adelaide and @shelbyville did a great job if calming me down. Like I said in my previous post I am starting or in love with him, I just couldn’t see through my fear but you are right it would be silly to declare it at this point as it would be a knee jerk reaction. Jay got in touch with me himself to check how I was doing and reassure me that he just needed space but still wanted to progress this , that alone made my heart hurt because of how I’ve been with him and equally feel alive because he saw something worth working on too. I agree about the working on yourself concept you can’t expect to do that first then try at a relationship. We would miss too many opportunities. I feel like I have a very good man here. He encourages me, supports me , he accepts my flaws. I just wish I could let go of the anxiety entirely that can be so gripping but it’s part of me and I just have to learn to control it.

I have apologised to him and I am working on a few ideas to make him feel valued too once he is ready. I just hope I don’t act out like an idiot again and I can contain myself whilst he needs space.

@shelbyville and @adelaide thank you for replying I really do appreciate any input and the guidance.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed to the point I just felt overcome by my emotions i couldn’t breathe but now even though I’m feeling anger towards myself i also am calmer to at least collect or try to make sense of my thoughts.

Anxiety will always be a part of my life in some form. I’ve suffered since a child with anxiety. It only occurred in a heightened or really destructive way after my last relationship

Those around me who I’m close to and I trust say I am in the wrong for the way I have been treating him and have pointed out something which if I am brave enough to acknowledge will determine exactly what path I take.

l know they are right and being honest for my own good. I’ve never appreciated bias and I often feel therapists or some people (with no bad intention) can sugar coat things or say what we want to hear in that moment to make what we are doing appear not so bad. When really the cold hard truth is what is needed to progress because when you remove your own blinkered glasses facts are facts.

I could ease my own guilt or be kinder to myself by explaining my silly behaviour or actions as a result of my past circumstances but truth is like my close ones have said I am still doing wrong by Jay (my nn for him I dont want to call him friend or boyfriend because he is more than that he’s a human an amazing one too)

The hardest or frustrating part is I don’t want to be doing that to him. I really don’t. Yet I find myself here acting out 🙁 but why? the consensus amongst my close ones is I’m actually falling in love with him unconsciously even if I chose not to acknowledge it properly and I actually think there’s truth in it..

@shelbyville you said the right relationship will not give anxiety but I feel most of my anxiety arises or is rooted in me being scared to acknowledge my actual feelings whereas before I would have allowed it to happen. This is all because the prev man who I thought I’d loved and would never hurt me, did hurt me. I’ve gone past the stage where I pined for him and what I thought was my happy ever after. If someone was to ask me do you still love your ex. I’d say yes a part of me always will. I gave so much of me to him. But I don’t want what we had anymore it wasn’t enough and because it took so long to realise that it has ripple effect on my current life.

When I stop feeding this fear and be rational like I’m trying to right now I see as clear as day.
When I met first met Jay i was in the get under someone to get over someone phase. I thought that would heal my broken heart. Then he walked in and was just different, a breath of fresh air. I wasn’t ready for anything real but at the same time I found I couldn’t not have him around. I was in a very bad place and would pull him in and then push him away. At Christmas when I was at my lowest and at a point I questioned my existence I realised enough was enough I wanted to be happy me again. The time away from him made me still want to reach out to him and my feelings made no sense I thought at the time is this because he filled a void. But today as i type this up and think about him with clearness and time goes on I realise how he adds to my life not takes. He brings me warmth and makes me happy . He supports me. He encourages me to be a better person because he could do so much better than me but he still chose me so I want to be better for him. He is the most patient man I’ve ever met, he makes me laugh and most of all healthy for me, when I don’t give into my insecurities and into my critical thoughts.

You say it’s my own issues, yes they are . I’ve tried working on them. But in life you can’t stop and do things in order. Chaos is something that is often needed to push you or else you miss the opportunity. I know I will regret it if I don’t see sense and let go of being selfish because I want to protect myself. I wasn’t a selfish person in matters of love before I met my ex. I fell for my ex wholeheartedly. It angers me that I allow myself to be overcome by the aftershocks of my ex relationship and everyone sane can see I’m ruining something good. I just don’t know how to face it without anxiety winning.

Jay is more of man than my ex will ever be because in our current state he has shown me more than my ex did over 5 years, he pulled me out of my depths of despair when he could have easily walked away. He stayed when he so easily could have left at such an early stage of our relationship.

I’m tired of the “work on myself” it isn’t moving me towards him I feel it’s hindering me. I just want to enjoy him. I have a person who is emotionally fully available and the way he treats me he deserves the same Genie who fell hard without fear like before. Whether it works or not is another story but to sabatoge it before it’s even begun is foolish of me. I have been selfish and not acknowledged my behaviour.

I give him him crumbs to stick around then end up pulling stunts like the above. You say I shouldn’t be scared of losing him and if I am it means it’s not healthy but are we not scared of losing anyone we care about aren’t all humans like that? If I end up losing him now..will that mean he was toxic for me too? I don’t think so it would mean I let my demons win.

I miss the old me but I can never be her again as part of her died in the 5 year relationship. I don’t know what to do. If Jay decides he has had enough I have to accept it was my selfish actions in trying to protect myself that pushed someone I actually love away. Right now I just want him to hold me but I can’t because I’ve ruined it. I pushed too far.

I’m having a very weak day . My friend / mew boyfriend (we haven’t defined it yet or imay well not even get the chance now.)  He came back from his holiday. He was tired and I went round uninvited to see him but he wasn’t very enthusiastic. So I let my anxiety and mind go into over drive and started accusing him of being cold and having another person in the picture from holiday maybe. He is normally so patient but snapped and said he has tired and insulted i had accused him of cheating and that he has always been there for me working hard and taking it slow for me  ( I have been slow to get too physical because bonding like that is a vital part of a relationship so it frightens me as I worry what if I fall and lose him) he said he didn’t want to get into a barney and it would better if I left. So I left.

He left a message saying being in his position was so hard and he was trying. Then he hasn’t been in touch. He has switched off his phone. I’m scared now I ruined it. I ruined something good for me. I’m angry because my ex has a hold of my life still. He couldn’t make me happy and now I’m ruining everything for myself due to baggage from that relationship. I have taken my new friend/ boyfriend for granted. His love for granted. I’ve ruined it. Now he might not even want to try anymore. What shall I do? My anxiety is at sky high I feel like I’m going to be physically sick. Why couldn’t I have appreciated his efforts before I opened my big fat mouth. I’m selfish maybe I dont even deserved to be loved by someone like him.