Hows this been going Vivian? x

How have you been poster?

Inky, Preach. x

This is very confusing.. (the situation and who/who of it, not the way you wrote it)

Where I was younger, I had a ‘friend’ who suddenly became very friendly with my ex once we (very messily) split. Can’t say I wasn’t confused about it at the time and soon saw that it was not a very friend-like move on her part, Id been with him for 5 years and she’d never been that interested in his friendship up until then and she knew I was devastated about the split. Im not saying she couldn’t be friends with whom she liked, im just saying her timing seemed a bit choice to me.

Anyhow, theres a lot of ‘my poor friend’ it seems. I’m not sure what age you are but 2 years ago I had to part ways with my best friend of almost 15 years because the relationship was just so one-sidedly toxic. It was always poor XX, but yet her victim angle was used to such manipulative extent that she could and did bend and batter me into whatever she wanted out of a situation. My empathising in the relationship took over my life. It affected other friendships, my relationship with my boyfriend..It took over.

Im not saying your friend is acting with malice but wearing the poor me, ive been through a lot badge should only go so far and right now its getting in the way of your own path. To me theres more than one thing you need to think through here.

1) How does your exes current efforts to gain your interest ‘feel’ to you. Not how it used to be, not how it has been, but currently. Do you feel its genuine? Do you feel its for keeps or equals what you want from him? I have to say the words ‘finally treat me right’ don’t seem to sit well. It shouldn’t be a conscious effort, it should just be If you understand what im saying.

2) Admitting you’ve been selfish doesn’t make being selfish ok. Your friend sounds like she was only ever out for herself in this situation and maybe tells you what you want to hear. Answer me this, if they are that close as friends, how does she feel its and either or rather than a your boyfriend AND her friend?

The situation doesn’t sound like a healthy outcome bodes for you, from what you say it sounds like you have 2 people on your plate who are out for their own ends. be very careful how you proceed. If he wants you for you and not just the trophy, he needs to prove it/act, if he won’t, theres your answer all along. She however, is only considering what she wants from the situation and that sounds to me like control.

Im not saying all is lost, on the contrary, I am saying you are worth much more. There are more people than this group. If he won’t commit to committing (for want of a way to say it) and she can’t butt out, walk away with your head up. As I say, be careful with how you proceed. Good luck x

Hey Stardust, Hey Anita.

Just signed up to be able to pipe up on this one. Stardust, you are right in the choice you’re making and its good you have the clarity to understand that its the right choice. From what you have described this person is emotionally controlling amongst other things. A intense friendship I had for many years recently broke up and I took my cue in a lesser bickering moment and never looked back. You will not regret this.

Listen to Anita when she says how you do this is important. This Man believes he is in control of you and so without trying to give you more things to stress about, you must be ready for his insistence that you are the root cause of all evil in this world when he is rightfully (and respectfully I’d imaging) rejected from your life. When you choose to tell him, see if you can stay at a friends for a few days for back up/cooling off time unless you live with other people or in a secure entry or upper level flat. Keep that physical distance and don’t allow yourself to be in a position where he can harass you at home if you’re by yourself. Now this is a toxin we’re dealing with and this end will be stressful or if his emotional bullying is really on point, he’ll threaten that he doesn’t know what he’ll do (to himself) if you don’t come over etc etc. Ignore ALL of this, but DO NOT delete messages etc. REMAIN strong, tell relatives and friends/neighbours you’re close to that you’re taking these steps (email them this thread) and make sure the situation is known about in your own small circles as bullys don’t like exposure and if people see him around they will immediately keep an eye on him start a conversation with him etc and he won’t like that.

As im saying, Im not trying to get you to worry about extra things, just protect yourself. You are absolutely doing the right thing and emailing this thread to some friends of yours will remind you you are not alone in this situation and that you are absolutely of worth and im sure, a wee beauty! keep us posted ok? xxxx