I’m not sure that will unfold.. but you never know I suppose, so wish away! 🙂

Hi Jasmine,

Yes, a soul to act as the icing on the cake is it in a nutshell! (sounds like a walnut cake to me.. lol). I am essentially happy within my own self (I suspect it was how I chose to describe it that let me down there.. hehe), though as you rightly observe there is still much I can be doing anyway to reinforce and cultivate this, not least of all the main problem of deeply recognising my authentic self. Essentially the big gap within me now is my lack of life motivation and direction. I’m simply coming up short when I seek an answer to what my true alignment is. For all my life it has been creativity – drawing, music, writing.. yet these days I have little interest in picking up any of it. I dropped it all a few months ago and thought the urge was returning quite recently, but it really seems that I simply feel no living stamina or passion for it anymore, which leads me to question what my true heart’s motivation really is. I don’t think I know anymore, which is a little worrying at my age (42), or maybe I just need to find a good reason to pick it all up again (!?), though forcing creativity rarely works or results in anything other than a lacklustre effort. It’s compounded by really not enjoying my day job either, which realistically should be the same as my desires, but I’m sure you can appreciate that the creative jobs are all but non-existent and/or oversubscribed. Either way the fact that I’m not happy at work but woefully underskilled on paper just adds to the sense of malaise that I’m feeling even whilst trying to gain any traction in my search.

I will be sure to let people know if/when I find her though! rest assured.. hehe

Peace *^^*

Thanks for your further insights Matt. I think I’ve turned to something in all three facets of material, sense and cushion that you mention! In terms of the aspects of romance, I’d say the overriding negative feeling I get is simply one of a certain envy (which I think many of us struggle with) for the people I see in relationships, and I do all I can to examine and neutralise such feelings with reflections and perceptions of various moral value – that maybe any one particular woman I encounter just wouldn’t be right for me, that it’s just not the right time for me, and even perhaps with a more tragic feeling that many of these couples around me have likely entered into their relationship by chasing happiness and dragging their material wealth around them. On balance I’ll also say that I do rest compassionately at other times and cultivate warm feelings too, with hopes that they might have found something good and lasting, or at least that they’re experiencing exactly what they need right now in the present moment. This does have the downside of making me question why the universe isn’t being so benign with me – I feel as though I’ve spent enough time trapped in repeating patterns and solitude, but if I had to guess it’s that I’m having to go through this rumination before reaching a definitive path of progress (!?). I can certainly remember the wonderful feelings which I think we all crave in such union, and the anxiety I do get is definitely a fear that this is something which will elude me for the rest of my life since I seem to have inadvertently disconnected myself from real heart contact with others by becoming too mindfully composed (the “cushion” I suspect you allude to). I know this is likely just an illusion of anxiety, but it certainly feels like a fatalistic truth at the moment.

I think I’m a little lost with respect to what you talk about when you mention cultivating spaciousness behind the practice of happiness, unless your intent is simply to convey the act of creating a zone of mindfulness, to absorb and reflect peacefully upon the up’s and down’s as they move through our moment-by-moment living experience? For certain maintaining a joyous state is a tough one, though I have to admit that I think it is not unknown to me.. just a bit fleeting. As I think about this I suspect my anxieties are too strong for me to live in a perpetual state of joy – I don’t think I’m made of quite such strong stuff, but they do seem to be at least manageable, if transiently painful. In a way I think I might fear being in a perpetually joyful state if I’m already struggling with feeling disconnected! This experience of joy I get is certainly present and most obvious and powerful to me when I’m surrounded by nature. A good walk through the local woods into the city or any green space does me no end of good and I generally feel very lifted by this. Perhaps I’m focused too much on trying to feel happiness and not enough on just moving through life – maybe I’ve gone too far into feeling and lost my motivation and enthusiasm because I’ve overloaded myself (again)? I’m not sure I can even quantify all such implications properly, but I do feel worn out. Maybe I just need to take some time out, pace myself and trust that things will settle down soon? One thing we can agree on is that I have a mind in need of some help with all this, but with the exception of anyone here I have no one else who I can dip into these matters with – I get the old “pull yourself together” shallowness.. With that thought Matt, many thanks indeed to everyone who is commenting here as well as to your good self. It’s all appreciated.

Hehe thanks Cherrymom! I hope your world is less chaotic! 🙂

Hehe I know where you’re coming from Ruminant. For a while I did have that issue of being too busy being ready with a reply to really listen to what was being said – that inability to be in the moment and give another person your undivided attention. I know that’s not quite what you had in mind, but I think it’s a similar principle. In reality I have a lot of time for people from any angle really! In a social setting I’m hardly ever one to start a conversation since I have little to talk about in all honesty, though I can usually keep a conversation rolling when the other person is as open to listening in the moment. Big problem is that I just seem to be missing something that makes people feel they can talk to me. I suppose like everyone I have good and bad days when I may seem more approachable than others, though my gauge as to how I’ve been doing with my inner happiness has been largely measured by the fact that I have been a lot lighter and more personable this last year! The fact of the matter is though that I find a lot of resistance and people don’t seem to respond to smiles. When did people begin acting like this? It’s always been my interpretation that a smile can go a long way towards beginning contact but people seem to be as likely to turn away as actually respond positively. Being a shy type, conversation potential usually withers.. I’m not normally one for rejecting any woman who might wish to talk though!

Thanks for your thoughts Matt. I’m totally with you on this journey and page as you describe it. I do think that in a way my heart does turn away from beauty, though I agree that the passage of life as seen through Buddhist principles rightly guides an appreciation for the moment; to celebrate whilst there, mourn when gone, accept and be grateful for what was and keep moving.. This is true with relationships also yes, otherwise I think it would be very difficult to get up in the morning! Hehe.. I suppose a certain amount of my heart that’s afraid to embrace loss though it is inevitable.. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say I become so subconsciously focussed on the good evaporating to really appreciate the good times. Maybe I’ve overcompensated with my awareness of mortality, though it is this which causes me anxiety, knowing that it will be painfully sad to miss out on love through misfortune. I think I’m having trouble with all this because I’ve hurt myself a lot too, either with my own imagination, sheer misfortune or even by putting myself through repeating patterns of experience. I have waded into Buddhism by myself really – not many people out there teach these things (a pet angst of mine which I think could save education as we know it, if only some were brave enough to accept it and the consequences therein!) but in doing so I believe I have confronted and understood a lot more also just by being mindful enough to be careful not to rush my understanding of matters without considering the many angles and perceptions you might place upon a philosophical idea. I treat it as the difference between someone who has read about plumbing and someone who has put in the hours of trial and error! I know who will probably understand and appreciate matters more instinctively.

Where I stand now between myself and relationships is that I’m now looking at what I’m perceiving as lots of people who aren’t past that “stage of enlightenment” and are still looking externally for love. Is this really a stumbling block to connecting with another heart? I don’t mean to seem arrogant by presuming that my own heart is in some way perfectly placed to receive love correctly either – for sure it’s in a dodgy place otherwise I wouldn’t be here talking now. I think I just feel real anxiety too that I might have missed, or will continue to miss opportunities because of my tendency towards shyness too. I was crippled with this when I was a teenager, and if I’m honest it’s never really got much better. In a way the hurtful place I find myself in is at least partly self-fulfilling prophecy, which is also another reason for why I sought answers to my anxiety over missing out on real life. In many ways I can’t stop beating myself up about things, even though I now have a means of generating inner happiness quite successfully.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Gavin.

True also.. I’m not really expecting to meet anyone via my art though really.. It’s a temperamental beast at the best of times. I think I mentioned that more because the art I do is really a solitary experience, and thus whilst it’s a strength it’s also not very relevantly helpful haha.. You are right though.. I do need a purpose in life – I have many things upon which I can base effort against frustration, but nothing I’d consider a purpose. I am without purpose really.