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GavinParticipant
Hehe I’ve never really thought of walnut cake as awesome (Carrot cake on the other hand…)
I totally agree that contentment and bliss are two very lovely experiences which help to make life as good as it can get. Sadly contentment and I have never really seen eye to eye on an emotional level. I’m materialistically content, in that my home is what it is and rarely undergoes any change as I have everything I need and have realised little value in wanting for more – it all works and that’s fine. I crafted my apartment into a nice place to hang my hat and, well, there it is. All the comforts I might be inclined towards and nothing more. Where me and contentment have an underlying issue is in matters of creativity and love. I think I’m happy with all I’ve created, but I can never really pause and enjoy things as much as someone else might with my own work. I’m always on the jump for the next thing (drawing, music, writing, photography) which is why I’m so mystified and stuck in the doldrums with this lack of motivation – as someone who enjoyed being creative this is not a natural state for me, and I suspect it’s dragging everything else down in me. Love? Well, love inspires me in much the same way as it does everyone, but I don’t need it to stimulate my art – I WOULD be screwed if that were the case.. Lol. Spiritual teachers aren’t easy to come by, so I think you guys in here are “it”. I’m thinking that I just need to try and reinforce my connections to people – keep making the effort to be out rather than indoors, mingle and continue to wander about in crowds until I can get my bonds back with people. Who knows, in the end it may be just such a simplistic act which will bring someone else’s love into my life. I suppose stranger things have happened.
GavinParticipantI’m not sure that will unfold.. but you never know I suppose, so wish away! 🙂
GavinParticipantThis is true.. Incidentally I have the book written before it, called “The Art Of Happiness” on my bookshelf.. A good read! 🙂 I think it helps if your work aligns with your passion, but I agree that if it’s a means to an end and you “work to live” (which I think most people do) then it doesn’t necessarily absorb you as a person.
GavinParticipantHi Jasmine,
Yes, a soul to act as the icing on the cake is it in a nutshell! (sounds like a walnut cake to me.. lol). I am essentially happy within my own self (I suspect it was how I chose to describe it that let me down there.. hehe), though as you rightly observe there is still much I can be doing anyway to reinforce and cultivate this, not least of all the main problem of deeply recognising my authentic self. Essentially the big gap within me now is my lack of life motivation and direction. I’m simply coming up short when I seek an answer to what my true alignment is. For all my life it has been creativity – drawing, music, writing.. yet these days I have little interest in picking up any of it. I dropped it all a few months ago and thought the urge was returning quite recently, but it really seems that I simply feel no living stamina or passion for it anymore, which leads me to question what my true heart’s motivation really is. I don’t think I know anymore, which is a little worrying at my age (42), or maybe I just need to find a good reason to pick it all up again (!?), though forcing creativity rarely works or results in anything other than a lacklustre effort. It’s compounded by really not enjoying my day job either, which realistically should be the same as my desires, but I’m sure you can appreciate that the creative jobs are all but non-existent and/or oversubscribed. Either way the fact that I’m not happy at work but woefully underskilled on paper just adds to the sense of malaise that I’m feeling even whilst trying to gain any traction in my search.
I will be sure to let people know if/when I find her though! rest assured.. hehe
Peace *^^*
GavinParticipantAww thanks Jasmine.. that’s sweet and insightful! hehe.. I think I’m looking for someone to go through life with, not as a means to completing me in the obvious sense, but as someone I can be with whose presence, life and love will fill the holes which just can’t be met even as a single person with inner happiness.
So what IS stopping me? Well, love just refuses to be found, so you have to stop looking in the literal sense (although you obviously keep the door of possibility open). As I think about it my main problem seems to be either a lack of basic attraction, or I keep encountering women who are even more shy than me! Maybe I just can’t read body language, but something just doesn’t seem to sit right with a lot of women I do meet (which aren’t many at all), but then it always has seemed like that.. lol. My efforts to cultivate internal happiness has left me able to summon joy in the small things in life (I’m often spotting things which make me smile, but which others seem to take for granted), but to my disappointment I’m feeling disassociated with people. I would say this is in part a reflection upon how I feel about the dismal state of society at present, with its obsession for wealth accumulation, celebrity and surface detail, coupled with this bizarre and sheer lack of motivation I’m feeling at present in my life, both of which are making cultivating friendships difficult. I suppose the few friends I have maintained over my life have also settled into family and vanished into their respective responsibilities – a shame but I don’t harbour any ill feeling towards them for that. How could I? That would be pretty selfish.
GavinParticipantThanks for your further insights Matt. I think I’ve turned to something in all three facets of material, sense and cushion that you mention! In terms of the aspects of romance, I’d say the overriding negative feeling I get is simply one of a certain envy (which I think many of us struggle with) for the people I see in relationships, and I do all I can to examine and neutralise such feelings with reflections and perceptions of various moral value – that maybe any one particular woman I encounter just wouldn’t be right for me, that it’s just not the right time for me, and even perhaps with a more tragic feeling that many of these couples around me have likely entered into their relationship by chasing happiness and dragging their material wealth around them. On balance I’ll also say that I do rest compassionately at other times and cultivate warm feelings too, with hopes that they might have found something good and lasting, or at least that they’re experiencing exactly what they need right now in the present moment. This does have the downside of making me question why the universe isn’t being so benign with me – I feel as though I’ve spent enough time trapped in repeating patterns and solitude, but if I had to guess it’s that I’m having to go through this rumination before reaching a definitive path of progress (!?). I can certainly remember the wonderful feelings which I think we all crave in such union, and the anxiety I do get is definitely a fear that this is something which will elude me for the rest of my life since I seem to have inadvertently disconnected myself from real heart contact with others by becoming too mindfully composed (the “cushion” I suspect you allude to). I know this is likely just an illusion of anxiety, but it certainly feels like a fatalistic truth at the moment.
I think I’m a little lost with respect to what you talk about when you mention cultivating spaciousness behind the practice of happiness, unless your intent is simply to convey the act of creating a zone of mindfulness, to absorb and reflect peacefully upon the up’s and down’s as they move through our moment-by-moment living experience? For certain maintaining a joyous state is a tough one, though I have to admit that I think it is not unknown to me.. just a bit fleeting. As I think about this I suspect my anxieties are too strong for me to live in a perpetual state of joy – I don’t think I’m made of quite such strong stuff, but they do seem to be at least manageable, if transiently painful. In a way I think I might fear being in a perpetually joyful state if I’m already struggling with feeling disconnected! This experience of joy I get is certainly present and most obvious and powerful to me when I’m surrounded by nature. A good walk through the local woods into the city or any green space does me no end of good and I generally feel very lifted by this. Perhaps I’m focused too much on trying to feel happiness and not enough on just moving through life – maybe I’ve gone too far into feeling and lost my motivation and enthusiasm because I’ve overloaded myself (again)? I’m not sure I can even quantify all such implications properly, but I do feel worn out. Maybe I just need to take some time out, pace myself and trust that things will settle down soon? One thing we can agree on is that I have a mind in need of some help with all this, but with the exception of anyone here I have no one else who I can dip into these matters with – I get the old “pull yourself together” shallowness.. With that thought Matt, many thanks indeed to everyone who is commenting here as well as to your good self. It’s all appreciated.
GavinParticipantVery true J.. A very high profile reminder to heart and soul of our interconnectedness and the impermanence of life. Thoughts and positive healing vibes to all those affected by the tragedy.. Peace *^^*
GavinParticipantHehe thanks Cherrymom! I hope your world is less chaotic! 🙂
GavinParticipantI think you’re ultimately on the right track Stripes.. This is my course of action for certain, although achieving a good sense of internal happiness as a means to keeping heart and soul afloat has afforded me the distance for reflection, away from my repetitively hurtful self and put me in a place where I can enjoy some tranquil space to tackle these deeper issues. In the end there’s no getting away from my need to change my shy habit, though to be fair on myself a bit more I suppose I’m not as bad as I used to be. Being centred and in the moment does afford some freedom from the shyness by simply making me more aware that the person opposite is just like me – flawed, feeling, human. Plus, having reduced my anxiety by being more concerned about the present moment and less with worries and hang-ups about things that are in my head and not the reality of a situation, it helps still further in overcoming any blocks which I might otherwise conjure up! I have gone through numerous texts in an effort to better understand these things, though the doing bit is coming to me more these days. I have had a couple of setbacks lately but I seem to be pressing on regardless, even if it just means me putting my heart on hiatus for a while.
GavinParticipantHehe I know where you’re coming from Ruminant. For a while I did have that issue of being too busy being ready with a reply to really listen to what was being said – that inability to be in the moment and give another person your undivided attention. I know that’s not quite what you had in mind, but I think it’s a similar principle. In reality I have a lot of time for people from any angle really! In a social setting I’m hardly ever one to start a conversation since I have little to talk about in all honesty, though I can usually keep a conversation rolling when the other person is as open to listening in the moment. Big problem is that I just seem to be missing something that makes people feel they can talk to me. I suppose like everyone I have good and bad days when I may seem more approachable than others, though my gauge as to how I’ve been doing with my inner happiness has been largely measured by the fact that I have been a lot lighter and more personable this last year! The fact of the matter is though that I find a lot of resistance and people don’t seem to respond to smiles. When did people begin acting like this? It’s always been my interpretation that a smile can go a long way towards beginning contact but people seem to be as likely to turn away as actually respond positively. Being a shy type, conversation potential usually withers.. I’m not normally one for rejecting any woman who might wish to talk though!
GavinParticipantActually I will also add that over time I have found that the pain of loss has been greater than the beauty. Another thing I have had a lot of difficulty in is feeling the same joy in real loving situations that manifest when I might observe another couple together. Is that a part of my imagination filling in the gaps of something which isn’t really as intense for them? Quite possibly.. It does seem to leave my own romantic experiences lacking.
GavinParticipantThanks for your thoughts Matt. I’m totally with you on this journey and page as you describe it. I do think that in a way my heart does turn away from beauty, though I agree that the passage of life as seen through Buddhist principles rightly guides an appreciation for the moment; to celebrate whilst there, mourn when gone, accept and be grateful for what was and keep moving.. This is true with relationships also yes, otherwise I think it would be very difficult to get up in the morning! Hehe.. I suppose a certain amount of my heart that’s afraid to embrace loss though it is inevitable.. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say I become so subconsciously focussed on the good evaporating to really appreciate the good times. Maybe I’ve overcompensated with my awareness of mortality, though it is this which causes me anxiety, knowing that it will be painfully sad to miss out on love through misfortune. I think I’m having trouble with all this because I’ve hurt myself a lot too, either with my own imagination, sheer misfortune or even by putting myself through repeating patterns of experience. I have waded into Buddhism by myself really – not many people out there teach these things (a pet angst of mine which I think could save education as we know it, if only some were brave enough to accept it and the consequences therein!) but in doing so I believe I have confronted and understood a lot more also just by being mindful enough to be careful not to rush my understanding of matters without considering the many angles and perceptions you might place upon a philosophical idea. I treat it as the difference between someone who has read about plumbing and someone who has put in the hours of trial and error! I know who will probably understand and appreciate matters more instinctively.
Where I stand now between myself and relationships is that I’m now looking at what I’m perceiving as lots of people who aren’t past that “stage of enlightenment” and are still looking externally for love. Is this really a stumbling block to connecting with another heart? I don’t mean to seem arrogant by presuming that my own heart is in some way perfectly placed to receive love correctly either – for sure it’s in a dodgy place otherwise I wouldn’t be here talking now. I think I just feel real anxiety too that I might have missed, or will continue to miss opportunities because of my tendency towards shyness too. I was crippled with this when I was a teenager, and if I’m honest it’s never really got much better. In a way the hurtful place I find myself in is at least partly self-fulfilling prophecy, which is also another reason for why I sought answers to my anxiety over missing out on real life. In many ways I can’t stop beating myself up about things, even though I now have a means of generating inner happiness quite successfully.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Gavin.
GavinParticipantThank you Ruminant for sharing that.. I suppose I have been hoping that it’s a transient phase to that shift which happens inside when you move from the external mindset to actually generating happiness inside (not that’ve gone 100% from one to the other.. I think I’ve been a mixed bag all my life, but definitely looking more external until this last year or so). It’s heartening to hear someone recant such an accurate mirror to myself, though I won’t presume to know what your specific trauma was, unless you meant it in the general sense. I suppose I could equate the stress and anguish I’ve put myself through mentally with a certain trauma, since it has indeed caused me a lot of hurt thinking that there has been something wrong with me all this time.. It’s amazing how it can seem that there are so many people in happy relationships when you’re single and feeling lost. Then again another aspect I do worry about with a very real buddhist heart is how many of those people out there are in dissatisfying relationships but clinging on themselves, afraid to be alone. Being single is a very mixed bag, and sits better some days than others I think. I wouldn’t claim to have been alone all my life – I’ve had numerous relationships, one quite long lasting, but when you do find that inner happiness thing it does make singledom more comfortable. If you do truly have room in your heart for another though, it leaves a void which will never truly be filled by inner happiness, if you’re honest with yourself.
GavinParticipantTrue also.. I’m not really expecting to meet anyone via my art though really.. It’s a temperamental beast at the best of times. I think I mentioned that more because the art I do is really a solitary experience, and thus whilst it’s a strength it’s also not very relevantly helpful haha.. You are right though.. I do need a purpose in life – I have many things upon which I can base effort against frustration, but nothing I’d consider a purpose. I am without purpose really.
GavinParticipantThank you Kelly for your empathy and thoughts.. Anything is helpful and gratefully received and ruminated upon! 🙂 I think you make a good point in your reply about accepting things as they are with consideration to whether there is an issue of “the right time” (I hope I understood you right by that) – in essence a person is really trapped by that aspect of life when you can’t really actively seek one of the people whom you might go through life with. I don’t think the desire for a relationship ever truly leaves you, though I admit to feeling a tad conflicted in that I can be both comfy with myself alone and wanting companionship. In effect I feel ambivalent about both states, having spent lots of time wishing for a partner when single and ultimately finding myself wishing for solitude when with someone, though if believe in retrospect I only felt like that because past relationships have been based upon looking for happiness externally, so I think the negative aspect of the relationship was only because I couldn’t grant myself space to be myself without feeling guilty, hence the anxiety at the time. In a sense, having that sense of contentment now makes any yearning for a partner all the more valid in knowing that it’s for the right reasons and not “clingy”, but in a way it makes the vacuum of a woman’s heart and touch more painful also.
I don’t know if your questions were rhetorical or not – I think they are but i’ll try to give an answer anyway (hehe) – I think there’s a certain risk that you may become too contented.. Indeed that is a worry I have now because that inevitably sets up almost a “grass is greener” conflict.. How do you really know which you’d be happier in? I’m not sure that the desire for a relationship is a damnable state of mind though, no.. We are after all compassionate and empathic by nature even if we don’t exercise it as much as we perhaps should, so I think the basic desire to connect is within us, whether we wish to rationalise it away or not.
It’s possible we overthink things, yes! Hehe.. I guess I’m treating my problem from the root when considering that I’ve kinda lost interest in things which might form a social foundation. How do you meet new people when you’re both afflicted with a certain level of shyness, self-inflicted cynicism about your own worth and have a lack of interests? I think that’s the root of my problem and one which can feel will be affecting my approach to possibilities. I also find that people are not as sociable as they used to be. That hurts too, compounded by knowing that in such withdrawal the other person will surely be hurting also. A sad state of affairs.
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