Dear ValleyRose,

As I see it, there are two different situations that are making you feel distressed:

1. The break up itself, that is normally very painful until that glorious moment in which it isn’t painful anymore arrives
2. The information that goes around the subject among the people you both know

As for the first thing, the break up mourning, I think that it’s a journey you cannot really skip. I particularly wouldn’t wish such a journey to my worst enemy, but saying that, I can assure you those feeling will pass. What made me feel better, after my break up, was the following:

• Realizing that what hurt me were my thoughts regarding what happened and not what happened in itself. Therefore, I tried to figure out what was hurting me so badly, and I realized it was that I had idealized him. Even if I thought I could see him clearly, what I was looking at was what I wanted to see and I was expecting something from that idealization, not from reality, so eventually reality hit me.

• Trying not to hope for a different past but accepting what happened and understanding that if something is for you, it will find a way to get to you; and if something is not for you, no matter what you do, it’s simply not going to work. Thinking this took a lot of responsibility off my shoulders, because it meant that regardless what I did, we were not compatible anyway, so we would have fallen apart anyway. To reach this point of comprehension was, for me, truly liberating.

As for the second thing, I would repeat something I’ve read a lot lately: what others think of you is none of your business. I wouldn’t waste time or energy talking to people about a subject that only concerns you and your ex-boyfriend. And about him, remember that we always do the best we can based on the experience we have up to this moment. If this is his way of dealing with mourning, well, so be it.

Hugs.

Dear Lily,

I am going through a very similar life path at the moment. I do not know how to put back together all the pieces of my life and I’m under the impression they will never get back to where they were before. I think I have to learn to live with that and be happy despite of that. Let me tell you what makes me feel a little better:

-Realizing I’m not alone with this (and for that I have to thank you for your post)
-Thinking about what I gain through this pain. I’ve been through a whole new rainbow of feelings I didn’t know I was capable of experiencing and this reminds me of the miracle of being alive. I truly believe this will open yourself to better understanding other people. And time will show us what else there is to learn and gain from this experience.
-Being open to the idea that this has happened “for us” and not “to us”. As what you wrote, it seems to me that you did all you could do (and so did I). So if things went differently, there’s nothing else to do but to bless the situation and welcome what will come.

Thank you, and Karin and Ruminant also, for sharing your feelings and thoughts.

A big hug.

Gams.