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GaganParticipant
Dear Anita, I guess yes to your first question. I need her so badly and I do not want to be feeling this way. The only two ways to decrease this feeling, in my opinion, are – (1) she comes back to me (2) I change my feelings towards her somehow. I do not think that (1) is plausible. So, I am left with just trying to change what I think of her.
And I am glad you asked me the second question. It has happened twice in my life before. One about 8 years ago when I broke off with my gf at that time and she was getting married (much similar to what is happening now). I felt pretty similar to what I am feeling now. Then later once again, the same events occurred. I broke off both those times. And I am the one breaking it off this time as well, and suffering the same fate – almost identical feeling. But this time, I am turning 30 and the I believe I will not get another chance since I already messed up thrice as of now. Perhaps, I’m just plain old dumb who can’t make a decision on time.
GaganParticipantAnita, thank you. From the day that she said yes to the other guy, my feelings for her have grown exponentially. Seems to me that the grief is getting worse, the memories are getting stronger and they are affecting me in every possible way. I am not enjoying anything around me, even the usual stuff that I used to. There is zero smile on my face. Every instance that I get, I imagine her in my life. The travel, the eating out, the boring stuff, the lying around on the sofa, watching “Friends” (our favorite show together). I am also imagining so many other things that I wouldn’t usually think of, like looking for a new home together, getting a puppy together. I do not think the intensity would have decreased but that is just my current opinion. Pretty much, I am imagining a “perfect” future with her, but now she is gone and I am getting sucked into the whirlpool of bad emotions. She is coming to meet me today. We will spend a few hours together. She said she misses me a lot. I do not know what is going on in her head. Is she just trying to comfort me in this difficult time? What am I supposed to do to just erase all of these new emotions. I do not want to be feeling this way. Not for long anyway.
Help me move on please!
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Gagan.
GaganParticipantAnita, I believe the reasons were –
1. I wasn’t ready for a lifelong commitment
2. I wanted to be free
3. I did not take life seriously and thought I had enough time to figure it out later
4. I wasn’t in the best situation. I wasn’t happy with myself. I wanted to be someone and stand on my own feet before I brought on someone else in my life permanently. Now I know that I was living in a fairy tale and that I failed to understand the true meaning of a relationship.
Today, I have a great job, and things are better, and also realize I won’t ever love anyone else with that intensity again.
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Gagan.
GaganParticipantEliana, yes the family pressure to get married as soon as possible is the main reason. Otherwise, she would have dated the guy for several months to truly express her feelings. Now, she is forcing herself to love that man. And I know that she is such a lovely woman, that she would make anyone fall in love with her. This morning, however, I got a text from her saying, “I miss you, I miss you so much, I need to see you.” But, I also know that it is extremely difficult for her to back out now, though not impossible. I can’t push her to be with me either because the last time I did (about a month ago), she told me would never forgive me if I ever ask her again, and that the decision had been already made.
GaganParticipantAnita, I wish I had the answer to “why and how was I so sure of the possibility”. Even during the time we were together, I knew that she was the best partner I could ever ask for. Perhaps, I wasn’t ready for the commitment. But, I told her the day she said
Yes to the other guy. But she had already made her decision at that point. This morning, she texts me and says that she misses me very much and that she “needs” to see me. I know she still wants to be with me, but she can’t. I am looking 50 years ahead of me and thinking of the life I could’ve built with her. It’s a feeling of a thousand elephants on my chest. Will I ever be able to love again?GaganParticipantNextsteps and Sha, thank you for the support.
We met last night, and she told me that she can’t back out now, and that she likes the guy. It was an arranged marriage sort of situation, so usually there isn’t enough time to fully get to know each other. But that also means that the family plays a larger role in the decision making. She can’t back out now, even though she knows in the hearts of her heart that she should. She texted me this morning saying that she misses me alot, and that she wants to meet me again today. I strongly believe that if the families weren’t involved, she would come back to me, but unfortunately, that us not the case.
Additionally, I have been up and down the sadness roller-coaster. When I purposefully block out all her memories, I get better, but then once any little thing that reminds me of her creeps into my head, I go into a spiral. I am not sure what the best route to take is at this moment. I have had suicidal thoughts, but I know I won’t carry them through, because I cannot make my family suffer because I couldn’t get my head together in time. But at the same time, I do not know which path to choose for the quickest recovery. Should I just cut her from my life entirely? Should I try to keep the friendship as it was before?
GaganParticipantEliana, thank you for being the ear to my feelings. She is gone for good. It was an arranged meeting through family when she first met the guy. In fact, I drove her to DC so she could meet the guy the first time. Having a traditional Indian family, she is restricted to changing her mind. She had told me just recently that she would rather die than back out now. She isn’t married, but she can’t back out now. I met her just today. I invited her and our other closest friend for dinner. It was good, but somewhere in the middle, I told her that she could have handled the situation better to atleast make me feel better during this transition, especially when she came to know about my feelings. She is moving in a week to be closer to the guy and my heart is tearing apart into a million pieces. It is impacting every aspect of my life, including my job, and family relationships.
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