Dear Anita,

I walked outside in the sun in this beautiful Fall weather. It felt great for a minute there. Then not so great. I keep imagining that she is with another guy, probably sharing a sweet loving moment, and it breaks me! :'(

Thank you for putting it in perspective Anita!

Can I post again if I feel like it?

Dear Anita,

Thank you for everything.

In the past, during conflicts, I remember apologizing most of the time for an argument or something. In fact, I do not recall any time when she admitted that she might be wrong. Made me think that she was always right. She still says that she is always right. Whenever we had arguments, I would be the one reaching out and hugging her and  apologizing.

She probably hung up on me several times when I refused to spend more time with her if I was with a friend or family. She would get mad that I do not prioritize her as much as she does.

On a side note, before she made up her mind about the other guy, I told her once that the guy is so lucky to have her. When I said that to her, she said, “If you say that, how can I go to him. You think so highly of me. What if the guy doesn’t love me as much.” I still had the chance to stop her. I guess I’m trying to understand what stopped me from stopping her. Why did I not step up and acted like an adult? Why did I let her go so easily when I knew that she was everything that made me happy over the last few years?

Eliana and Anita,

Thank you for the support. Here is the update –

She texted me on Saturday that she misses me again and wants to see me. She came over in the evening. She wanted to go for a stroll in a nearby park. So we did. We were holding hands and walking (she was also texting this new guy at the same time). I had some hope as I thought she might give me some hints to fight for her. Later, we cooked together, ate together, watched a movie and cuddled (we did all this when we were just friends as well), and she slept over in the same bed (like we did even when we were just friends). Nothing else happened. However, while we were spending this amazing time together, I thought to myself that this is so meaningless. It is going to hurt me even more because I know that this is just for the night and it will wither away in the morning. I encountered strange emotions together – pain, numbness, confusion, fogginess, hopelessness.

However, while we were watching a movie (Forrest Gump), she hugged me and cried multiple times saying how will she manage life without me, and that she will miss me when she moves away and that no one is going to take care of her like I do. I did not know what was happening. I still do not know what really happened. Just random emotions while watching an emotional movie, or was there something deeper? I comforted her and hugged her for a really really really long time. This morning, when we were having breakfast, she said these words, exactly like this, “Should I call off the relationship with this other guy?”. These words came out after she was telling me that she doesn’t like some of the things that his new guy does, and I mostly agreed.

I did not know what to say, so I told her that I will keep her happy and she keeps me happy. We will be great together and that she should think of our lives 50 years down the road and that I want to grow old with her and spend the rest of my life being there for her. I agreed with her that she should break it off. I had never explicitly said that before. She said she couldn’t do it. Then I dropped her home, and had this urge to call her and ask her again whether she wants me to hold her hand and take her away from the guy, and whether there was even a remote chance of getting back together. I told her that I was willing to go to any length to get her back. All she had to do is give me one tiny hope. She got angry and hung up.

What is happening?

Thank you Eliana, I feel blessed to have a group to support me here.

Another dilemma I’ve been struggling with recently. So, this girl and I were amazing friends long before we got physical. Do you think it is possible for me to return to that same mindset? And should I try to do that?

Hi Anita,

When I went back home, I got scared again because I was moving back in time. I felt like everyone else is moving forward in their lives – like my friends, and I was going back to the same old place. I think that was scary. Other than that, I had a loving and happy childhood.

About the present, it could be retroactive regret. Entirely possible. But, I am regretting the inaction on my part. The fact that I didn’t fully put my mind to understanding what she meant to me.

She could be manipulating me as well. I’m not sure, but she is not like that. Atleast that is what I think.

Whatever it is, it is impacting my job. It is a highly technical job, and I am lagging in the training. Other aspects of my life are also severely impacting. I am not eating right, sleeping no more than 2-3 hours a night – if that. I’m losing all motivation about life, I have lost all interest. I want to run away from myself. My chest hurts every waking second. There’s a mountain on my chest and mind every second. I do not know how to deal with this. I feel hopeless and weak. I used to be a great, smart and happy kid. What has happened now? Will I ever fall in love like that again or will I just wallow all life -long? I can’t live like this. It is beyond the limit of my endurance, especially because of the regret of inaction! Please help!

Eliana, thank you for all the support. Deep down I do know that she wanted to be with me earlier and that I pushed her away to someone else’s arms. The regret is what is killing me. I do not blame her for what happened. She had to move on with her life, and that is exactly what she is doing. But, yea she could do it better by not hurting me in the process.

I know I am getting hurt more by this whole foggy situation, but she is moving away from me and closer to the guy (another city) in just 2 weeks. I will be devastated when that happens, but I believe that is when the real healing starts.

Can you tell me if what I am thinking will work – I am contemplating moving to a different city (I have no strings attached to my current place), and “disappear” for a while. The thing is the most of my friends are also her friends. My current city reminds me of her. Every little thing. We have done so much together here. What is the best course of action? How do I move forward with my life by minimizing the regret?

Anita, I do not recall if I needed my parents badly, but I have been told that I am the “sensitive one” at home. I am too soft emotionally. I used to cry easily.

More recently, about 10 years ago, when I first left home away from parents, I could not bear to be away from them (or home), and constantly cried over the phone begging my parents to bring me back home. So, I left the new place within 10 days to go back home. Once I was home, I got scared again because I felt like I was not growing in life, while everyone else was moving on. So, while on the plane back home, I instantly felt that it was a wrong decision. Situations like these happened to be multiple times, where I took a decision and then backtracked and then again went that direction. Indecisiveness might be a huge problem as well for me. Is what happening now related to some deep mental issue I am not fully aware of? I am afraid of changes I think

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Gagan.